NeuroBetweenity

Over the few years since my identity changed to include being autistic + ADHD, I have come to believe that our sense of identity deeply underpins our functional capacity as neurodivergent people, especially when we have been diagnosed later in life.

I actually believe this also holds true for people of all neurotypes. It is I just that the realisation really hit me once I discovered that I wasn’t “the same” as most of the people in my life. We all need some sort of catalyst for the realisation to become felt & embodied rather than just an intellectual fact that we “know”.

Now I realise that this sounds like a statement of the obvious, but it is often said (by wiser people than me!) that our identity is critical to the quality of our lives.

Until a few years ago, I would have said (& believed) that if I “worked on this skill set” (like executive functioning skills - lets say my organisational ability at home) then my identity & sense of self will shift for the better, because I have successfully worked on myself, bettered myself…”like an adult does”. I think that is true for many people. As they work on themselves, they feel & think better of themselves. Ergo, according to this argument, there is a shift in personal identity.

Before my diagnoses in 2021, I identified as a very damaged, f*cked up person. Lots of damage, both physical & mental. Much of this was “my fault” because…”personal responsibility”. And that which was done to me, over time, also became “my fault”…because “as adults” aren’t we supposed to learn to manage our trauma, mental health, physical health etc? Earlier still, as someone managing autoimmune disorders + PTSD etc, I identified as someone with lots of problems functioning successfully in the real world. I certainly never achieved the level of success that had been expected of me, either by my parents, my professional peers and especially, myself.

All of a sudden, (because my diagnosis happened over a relatively short space of time) I “became” an autistic + ADHD person…

Now cognitively, I knew that this means I operate with a different set of neurological systems to the norm. I knew that many of the same standards are dramatically unfair to me…

…And yet I felt…like the same f*cked up person…just a f*cked up autistic + ADHD person…

My sense of identity still deeply sucked. (Too many years spent berating myself, maybe?)

And my functional capacity in my day to day life was still lousy.
And that made me feel ever increasingly inept because if I couldn’t improve now that I knew what the “problem” was, when would my life change?

It wasn’t until my sense of identity deeply shifted to include feeling ok with how much I could not do, that I began to feel better AND I also began to perform better in all areas of my life! Now I know that many successful people talk about having a mindset for success, but my big shift was all around the simplest of things! The most basic executive functioning tasks felt like my greatest achievements. It felt different to this “success mindset” and it still does.

It is a transition that has taken me about three years so far, and I don’t pretend to have totally “made it” to complete self acceptance. I can say with absolute certainty that I like this place a whole lot better than were I was back then!

I am autistic & ADHD. I have other diagnoses including GAD, PTSD, cPTSD, depression, autoimmune disease and no thyroid.

Now you already know too much about me!

Recently I read a particularly cruel post written by a neurotypical mother of autistic children & married to an autistic man. She was so heart-shatteringly cruel; beginning with “Asperger’s is…”. There was no kind word spoken to or about any of us. She was the “hero” of her family.

It upset me more than I can describe and the emotional effects don’t dissipate quickly or easily. I worked hard to reply and then didn’t.
Worked hard to reply in a different way…and then didn’t.
After many more words than I eventually shared, I did reply.
I am still shaken by the entire experience.

My son asked me why I continue to share my experience (in various ways) when it upsets me so much.

I asked him if he remembered the bullying he experienced at school years ago & the far worse bullying he witnessed other kids subjected to.
He remembers.

“How would you feel if I had not spoken up for you when you were too young to do so for yourself? How might that situation have turned out?”

“Not good…” began his reply. We continued to talk -

And I think of these neurodivergent children whom I know.
What might their experiences be if no one speaks for them?

I think of how I am consistently penalised simply for being autistic. Even before anyone knew I am autistic, I was penalised for my autistic behaviours. Even now that people know I am autistic, I am penalised for being myself.

I have lost friends, family, opportunities and belief in myself.

If I speak, others might avoid all of this.
Or much of it.
Or maybe only some of it.

Change happens when people speak.
I have changed because of the many neurodivergent voices who spoke to me as I learnt and experienced the whirlwind transition of “broken neurotypical” to “perfectly normal neurodivergent” person.

And whilst I now take steps to protect myself, I will speak.

Merry “what-ing” Christmas to me…

Today began as does any other day during school holidays. I woke up. My son slept on…

I got into my morning coffee routine with boiled eggs + toast, after tending to dogs, chooks & finches. Routine. I like routines. They are happy, easy, safe.,

My son got up & the day carried on with me reminding him that he had two hours to get to work on time. He did get to work on time! He’s a cool kid, my son. Exceptionally competent.

And I carried on as per a normal day at home.

To be honest I have no idea why people spend so much effort on Christmas. I get it - intellectually I understand the whole business. But emotionally & logically, I do not understand what the point is. Why not show someone you care at any time of the year? Why save it until 25 Dec? Makes no sense really, if you think about it. There are posts about this every year but how many people actually do it? Ignore Christmas that is?

Anyway… I took a phone call from a friend who can take on my favourite chook - he’s a young rooster - because I cannot keep him. We live in suburbia… He would need to go from a backyard full of grass, other chooks & meat daily…to 3mx3m & kitchen scraps with no meat… He leaps more than three metres each morning when he leaves his tiny overnight coop! How will he react to effectively being in chicken prison? Most people won’t understand, but he is my chicken friend. He snuggles into me when he comes to back door several times a day…

Also today, my family of parents + three sisters & their partners… They have not acknowledged my existence since my mother left here saying that I “talk myself into” being autistic… They are exchanging perfunctory Christmas wishes in our “family” group which has been silent for a good couple of months now. It is always perfunctory…never real…

I received a message from a PDA facebook I applied to join. Something about another group which might be of interest to me… I joined that other group & replied because at that moment, I had not idea what they wanted of me & frankly, trying to figure out what I am supposed to do is just…so…overwhelming…and…exhausting…

Can someone please just tell me what I am supposed to do in order to be accepted, loved, not rejected… Because honestly, I am tired with trying to figure it all out. What…do…you…want? What am I supposed to do? What makes you happy? Preferably without killing myself…so to speak? By which I mean what makes you happy without tying myself in knots that I simply can’t untie?

The facebook message was the straw that broke me today. It sounds rather pathetic, even to myself.

I am simply so tired of not knowing what to do in response to the world around me.

Yesterday, I had been invited to friends’ place for lunch. I have known them for years now. 20 odd years. Seen kids grow up. They have taken some time to get used to me being diagnosed as autistic. One kid is an outright alcoholic. Sad really that he teared up at my honest answers to his questions. Again, I am faced with the question of how to react to people because I suspect that his mother will be upset when she learns that I answered the exact opposite to her desires… What am I supposed to say?

The answers to questions seem so obvious to me.

3x3m is cruel for 10 chickens,
Being drunk, drugged, losing teeth + a black eye (because he was drunk + on co***ne) = a bad example to set for your son.
Working away from home and visiting fortnightly or monthly is better than that.
Family should accept me for who I am rather than condemn me every time I exhibit autistic traits…

And the facebook group just tipped the balance in favour of tears… Thank you group admins who messaged me out of kindness. You are no doubt slightly confused about my reply…Or maybe, being an autistic kind of group, you get it because you have seen it before!

PS. My kid got home from work & thinks I am teary over my favourite chicken… He also isn’t sure that 3x3m is fair… He also doesn’t want to kill his favourite chicken…

Life can be hard sometimes