Equispirit Healing

It happened so quickly. Everything can change in an instant, that's what scares me and this episode has been a huge reminder of that at a time when I've been feeling particularly anxious living with this cancer diagnosis.

1pm Monday I'm replying to a friend who asked how I was saying I am feeling great.

1.30pm my arm is hot, swollen and sore and I am shivering and spiking a temperature

3.20pm Admitted to hospital and quite delirious with the fever.

I had done the school run in the morning and been thinking at the time that I feel good and was excited that I had no chemo for 3 whole weeks! I have been looking forward to my Christmas treatment break and having some quality Grace time, getting to see Tigger and just enjoying the freedom of not fighting feeling sh*te every week!!

Also I am supposed to be at the London International Horse Show on Saturday and was really looking forward to it, it's on my horse living list to go one more time and I haven't quite given up hope I will get there on Saturday, I am improving so it might be feasible....

Infections

These are what scare me so much about living with cancer. If the cancer itself is what takes me in the end I have time to plan, leave future birthday cards for Grace, say things I might want to say, spend some life insurance money on a last massive adventure with her! (it pays when you're given less than 12 months). However I am really vulnerable due to low immunity, caused by the weekly chemo and I don't have a spleen. In the past we have also struggled to find an antibiotic that works. I had one particularly vicious infection when they struggled to get anything to work, it was petrifying knowing it wasn't working and we were running out of options - thankfully one did in the end!

An infection could too easily be the sudden end of me and Monday night was one of the scariest I've had for quite some time.

At one point, as I lay curled up on the hospital bed in my delirious fever awaiting assessment, I thought this could be it. As I left the house I had told mum where all my important documentation was, not something I've ever felt I needed to do before.

The doctors were fussing with me, then trying to do an ECG which was hell as I was shivering so much with the fever and felt freezing, they were having to lift up tops and move trousers and I just wanted to be left alone with all layers on and blankets, piles of heated blankets! They wanted me to do this and that and I could barely move or understand what was being asked.

My mind then went into some kind of lightness, a floating feeling. Something inside me was saying float away, give up, this is just too exhausting. I was switching off from what was going on. I thought again this could be it.... then I saw an image of me hugging Grace, tears are welling as I type that, the image was so real, the feelings so strong and they saw me through it, I held on to them rather than the feeling of giving up and floating away! Not that I was really going anywhere, don't think I was anyway!

I have a cellulitis infection in my lymphodema arm, thank goodness I got to the hospital quick. I could feel the infection moving up my arm, I've never experienced anything quite like it! I've been on lots of IV antibiotics and am still waiting for a scan to ensure there isn't a blood clot - I am assuming it isn't as they haven't rushed it!

Just look at my wrist bands, last time I had this many it was much more fun at a festival!

My arm put on a bit of weight!

I am still spiking the odd fever which isn't pleasant but at least they aren't sending me completely mad now and they are less frequent.

I need to get out of here and to that horse show so hopefully it will continue in the right direction. I even managed to get to the cafe today and have a small Christmas roast dinner - much better than the offerings on the ward and a good sign as my appetite is back.

Grace came to see me yesterday, she is so cute. She'd given my mum a little note to pass to me in the morning, then when she came to see me she brought her dragon with her and left it with me to cuddle. She also has a nice surprise this evening at gym as it turns out she got 3rd for bars and beam at her competition last weekend!

Once again, I’m the youngest person on the ward. My mum sat with me while everyone else was surrounded by their children — and in some cases, grandchildren.

Hospitals are anything but restful. Have you ever heard how loud an oxygen machine can be? Or noticed the constant beeping from all the equipment? Add in renovations to the wet room, and I think I'd have a headache even if the fever wasn't causing one!

These wards are incredibly hard places to be. It’s impossible not to feel like they’re glimpses into my own cancer future. You see so much, hear so much, and there are tears and breakdowns everywhere.

Somehow, sometimes bodily functions become celebrations — a wee in the bed announced like a victory as it means the catheter is pushed back another day! Then there's constant vomiting one side. Today I had to run out to get the nurses when a lady collapsed naked out of her bed - thankfully I am at the point I can do that and she is no worse for the fall. Similar happened once before and we were all shouting as none of us could physically get out of bed!

I feel for every one of these women, treading their cancer path. It's a cruel disease to navigate.

Privacy doesn’t exist here but care, love and patience sure does. The team is incredible—every single person who keeps the ward running. From nurses and doctors to housekeepers, cleaners, assistants, and so many others who are too often overlooked. The job they do is priceless and I am forever grateful to them all.

https://open.substack.com/pub/equispirit/p/unexpected-hospital-stay?r=ql95a&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

5 years of parenting with cancer.

Primary diagnosis December 2019/January 2020

Secondary diagnosis December 2022/January 2023

Through breastfeeding, preschool, first day of school, finding her love of gymnastics, birthdays, Christmases, first music gig, her first theatre show, her first tooth falling out, her first train ride, her first trip to London, first holiday abroad, first roller skating, first ice skating, first camping holiday, first festival..... and so many more firsts I thought I might never see.

Another Christmas tree put up - December 2019 I stood on the beach in tears watching Grace run about, thinking this time next year I won't be here. Every year the same thoughts hit me BUT I am still here, still fighting and witnessing so many firsts - forever grateful to be able to say that.

I have been having some high anxiety over the cancer returning at the moment. I go through phases of calm, then panic. Christmas is quite a panicky time for many reasons, the time of year I seem to get diagnosed and that fear that grips me that this could be my last one.

I have to sit with the anxiety, acknowledge it because it isn't going away. I find if I allow the thoughts in a controlled way they don't get as overwhelming. If I ignore them they will encompasses me unawares at inappropriate moments!

I worry as another Christmas passes it means I am another year into this diagnosis. I was told I'd be lucky to see 12 months in January 2023, here I am 3 years in with a 12% chance of seeing 5 years... it's scary. As the odds get less with each year that passes the anxiety increases.

Averages are just that, there are people that fall either side, I pray I continue to fall the right side of these averages for many Christmases to come.

I love this girl more than anything, a type of love I never knew could exist. I can't break her heart and leave her ❤️


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