Rise Above Marital Problems

Meditate on this...👇🏼

*MY SOUTHERN KADUNA NEIGHBOUR AND ME*

He and his family live in a boys quarter near my house. I wouldn’t call us friends given that he always tried to keep some kind of distance. But our children are definitely friends. They play together, watch tv together and even ‘farm’ their small ‘cooperative’ garden together.

Well, I have the beautiful duty of taking my children to school every morning. I also include the children of another neighbor and pick up those of my sister on the way. But it always worried me that there was no space to carry these other children of my southern Kaduna neighbor, though they went to the same school. My guilt was compounded by the fact that at the time we would leave my house, the car would have some space that was reserved for my sister’s children that I would pick later. My heart always dropped when we rode past them to go to my sister’s house, while these little ones hiked, with backpacks and all, to the same school. Wallahi, you feel like burying your head in shame as they waved at you with their tiny palms.

On one fateful day, I couldn’t take my heartlessness anymore. So I parked and asked them to enter. We then branched by my sister’s house and loaded up her children. Some had to carry others on their laps. It became very uncomfortable and rowdy; my children were complaining all the way. I didn’t care. Cramming them up like sardines seemed like a better option. And when we got to their school, I told them to come to the house the following morning so we could all go together. One of them knelt down as he thanked me.

Now imagine my surprise when they didn’t turn up the next morning. I sent my son to call them from the boys quarters. Their father came out instead. His face was kind of blank when he thanked me for taking his children to school on the previous day. But then he said ‘But please don’t be taking my children to school. I know you are trying to be kind, but please don’t do that. I don’t like it. That was why I told them to go. They have gone already. And please don’t pick them on the way. Thank you.’ He then turned and walked away.

I was rooted to that spot for a very long time. Shaking my head, I couldn’t understand it. I took my children to school and tried to forget about it. When we passed the children, they waved at us again. I felt so sad and contemplated ignoring their father’s ‘instructions’. But I didn’t. And life went on like that until the end of the session.

Now, when the new session began, I noticed that, for at least the first one week, those children would be playing outside whenever I came out to take my children to school. As a normal human being, a parent, that should worry anyone. So when that continued into the second week, I called the eldest and asked him why they were not going to school. He said their father said he had no school fees and that he said he had only enough money to feed them. That news placed me in a dilemma. I needed to help those children but how do I deal with their ‘funny’ father?

I had an idea, so I went to see him in their BQ compound after I came back. He came out with a frown on his face perhaps because he was woken up by his wife who had ‘incredible’ written on her face when I asked to see her husband. I took him aside, away from peeping eyes, and told him that I’d noticed his children missing school and that I’d found out from them that it was about school fees. I said so I was wondering if he needed a ‘small loan’ to help him with that.

My neighbor took forever to respond. He then rubbed his hands on his face, barely looking at me, and said, ‘It is only N3,000 each. So N10,000 should be enough.’ I had come prepared, so I quickly counted the money out and gave him before he could change his mind. When my neighbor counted the money, he then looked at me and said, ‘I can only pay you by the end of the month.’ My response was, ‘Don’t worry. Even if it takes two months, we can manage.’ He replied, ‘No, I don’t want to keep anybody’s money with me for that long.’ And then he walked away.

I had long concluded that this was one proud, son-of-a-gun, but I wouldn’t let his attitude deprive me from the chance of helping his young ones. The reward from God of such actions was too big to ignore.

Now, three weeks later, in the evening, my neighbor sent his son to call me. I went out of the house to meet him. He then counted the 10K and outstretched his hands to give it to me. But because from the onset, I didn’t mean to give it as a loan, I simply smiled at his unsmiling face and said, ‘No malam. I am happy you got the money and you are paying back. That’s very honourable of you. But, erm, please keep it. Use it to pay their next school fees. But if you have enough at that time, then you can bring it back.’

You cannot guess what happened next. His eyes began squinting incessantly. And then tears rolled out. Oh my God. Before I realized what was happening. He was on his two knees. I quickly grabbed his hands and pulled him up. Confused, I was saying, ‘Haba Malam! What is that? For this small money? Haba Malam.’

He steadied himself, wiped off his tears and said, under his breath, ‘And they say you hate us!’

Before I could understand what that meant, he simply turned away and walked off.

Fifteen minutes later, his wife was at our house. My wife was not around so I didn’t want to ask her in. But she wasn’t going to have it. She literally barged in and slumped to the ground. She was just thanking me, bowing and crying. She was saying ‘God is alive! God is alive! Do you know how many from our tribal people that we approached to lend us money so my children could go to school? You know we are from Southern Kaduna and I know you are Fulani people. They say you hate us. And I have heard many Hausa people say Zangon Kataf people hate Hausa people. But I swear, we don’t hate you. We are Christians! We love people. You Muslims love people too. See how you helped us now. Our people did not help us. You help us. God used you to help us. Wallahi, from today, I will never abuse any Hausaman…’ And she went on like that.

Truth is I never thought I was helping a Christian or an Atyap man. I never looked at them like that. I was only being a parent. This is what any parent will do to the children that are his children’s friends if he has the means. He will be actually sustaining the quality of friends that his children will be relating with. By that he will be helping to secure the integrity of his children too. In a way, I was just being selfish, protecting my children. And I think we should all protect our children in the same way too. Lols.

Have a nice day and a blessed week ahead.

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Written by Dr. TUNDE Alagbe from Intimate Issues with Dr. Olubusola:

SEXUAL PROBLEMS IN MEN AND WOMEN
Dr. Tunde Alagbe

This subject is often considered a “taboo” to discuss openly; simply because of the stigma attached to it. This is especially so for men who often associate “manhood” to their ability to satisfy a woman in bed.
It is known that this stress level is even worsened by our lack of understanding on this subject matter. For this reason I write freely.

ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION

Erectile dysfunction is the inability to achieve and maintain er****on that is firm enough for s*x. This er****on difficulty is often grouped and/or confused with other s*xual dysfunctions. For purpose of clarity, I will discuss briefly the following SEXUAL DYSFUNCTIONS.

• Not Having Sexual Desires
• Having Sexual Desire but No arousal
• Premature ej*******on
• Or**sm disorders
• Sexual pain disorders
• Post-or**smic diseases
• Pelvic Floor Dysfunction
• Uncommon s*xual disorders in men

NO/OR LOW SEXUAL DESIRE (Hypoactive Sexual Desires)

This is what often causes decreased or No libido. The lack of absence desire for s*x may be for some period of time. The condition may occur after the individual may have enjoyed a period of normal s*x functioning. Often time the general lack may be for current partner or it may be generalized.

Married couples often encounter this problem which may not be easily noticed in women, but can manifest as erectile problem in men. The condition may have started after a period of normal s*xual functioning or the person may always have had no/low s*xual desire. The man or woman may develop s*xual desires for other people resulting in extra-marital affairs commonly seen in men. Hypoactive s*xual desire can be prevented with good honest communication with your partner and engagement in more creative s*xual activity

SEXUAL AROUSAL DISORDERS (SAD)

Sexual arousal disorder is used to be called FRIGIDITY in women and IMPOTENCE in men. These two terms somewhat sound judgmental and for this reason have been replaced with less judgmental terms such as Erectile Dysfunction.

Frigidity in women can be caused by a number of factors. Some are biological in nature (Low levels of s*x hormones), while some results from the effects of social and psychological factors.

Just like in Hypoactive s*xual desire, Sexual arousal disorder is also commonly seen men after many years of prolonged intimacy. (Some women may develop it too). Such men will report arousal with other women but non from their partners.

OR**SM DISORDER.

This is the inability for a man or woman to achieve organism during s*xual In*******se, It is naturally more difficult for most women to achieve or**sm through pe*******on, and such women may climax with stimulation of the cl****is either with a finger or through oral s*x.

Men on the other hand almost always achieve or**sm unless there are problems. Most times, the causes of achieving or**sm in men is biological in nature; e.g. use of certain medications (antidepressant) or problems with the male s*x organs.

SEXUAL PAIN DISORDER

These are situations where s*xual pleasure is replaced by PHYSICAL PAIN. Often times, it manifests as vaginal or lower abdominal pain in women during s*x (Dyspareunia). It is often caused by some form of infection in the pelvis (Please be mindful, this may not necessarily be an S.T.D……even though STDs commonly cause this especially if it has resulted in Pelvic inflammatory disease [PID]).

Some men do report intense headache during or before or**sm. This is a form of MIGRAINE HEADACHE that is triggered by the excitement of s*x. Simple use of ibuprofen before s*x helps.

PELVIC FLOOR DYSFUNCTION

This is the weakness of the floor of the woman’s pelvic which leads to leakage of urine during s*x. I call it the pride of womanhood and nothing to be ashamed of. It is the result of having multiple births.

OTHERS.
There are some other s*xual disorders that are not very common. If you have any of such and you want to discuss further, please inbox me. It’s a free consultation.

WHAT WE NEED TO KNOW

Sexual disorder is often a cause of distress especially in men. A lot of men have measured their manhood by their s*xual performance rather that other measures of real manhood. In as much as I am not trivializing the importance of satisfying a woman in bed, I am encouraging us through this post that it is not something that should cause of stress, it is nothing worth dying for. Reasons for this

(a) In over 50% of cases s*xual problem is not your cause but that of your partner

(b) You are not alone with this problem. However, you really don’t know because most men don’t talk about it, rather they prefer to “front” “form” and “flex” their s*xual abilities so as to attract the opposite s*x.

(c) Erectile dysfunction is common. Failure to achieve er****on about 20 percent of the time is NOT ABNORMAL. True erectile dysfunction affects about 1 out of 10 men, and up to half of all men over 50 at some time during their lives.

(d) Erectile dysfunction is not a normal part of aging. Erectile dysfunction does increase with age, though older men may experience a decrease in the quality of their er****ons and an increase in the time between er****ons. They may need more stimulation, but they can still have enjoyable s*x lives.

(e) Erectile dysfunction is treatable. In most cases, erectile dysfunction help is both readily available and successful.

WHAT WOMEN NEED TO KNOW

You can jointly manage your partners erectile function if both of you adopt open line of communication. The more you and your partner know about erectile dysfunction, the better you will be able to manage this s*xual issue together.

Here are important facts you can share to initiate a discussion and relieve the awkwardness:

(1) Even though erectile dysfunction increases with age, it is not a normal part of ageing. What usually happens with most men as they age, is the fact that what stimulates them s*xually may have changed.
While some men are still attracted the ‘perky firm breast of a young girl” some older men, who “have-been-there-done-that” may prefer a mature brain and mind stimulating relationship with a mature woman

(2) Erectile dysfunction is not a normal part of aging. Erectile dysfunction does increase with age, though older men may experience a decrease in the quality of their er****ons and an increase in the time between er****ons. They may need more stimulation, but they can still have enjoyable s*x lives.

(3) Erectile dysfunction is treatable. In most cases, erectile dysfunction help is both readily available and successful. Treatment options include oral and injectable medications, s*x therapy, s*xual help devices (toys)

(4) Women also have s*xual issues. Up to 70 percent of couples have s*xual health issues from time to time. Women may experience loss of desire and arousal problems, and may even experience pain during s*x. These s*xual issues also need to be addressed.

Written in love with love
Tunde Alagbe, M.D

COPIED PLS KINDLY READ AND READ AGAIN FOR LESSON TO BE LEARNT

IT IS NOT MY FAULT!

“NG please now,” Mike whispered as he tried to pull his sister Ngozi to face him on the bed. “You know mummy went to bed early and may soon get up for her mid night prayers.” he continued. “Michael leave me alone.” Ngozi almost shouted. “I have told you that I am on but you don’t want to hear. If we do anything now and the bed spread gets stained how do you explain that to mummy? Have you forgotten so soon how you almost let the cat out of the bag the other time something like that happened? I don’t know why you don’t like being reasonable at times! I have told you that we need to be cautious now that daddy is not at home because mummy leaves her bedroom door open and can come out any moment.” But Mike would not take no for an answer and continued pleading and tugging on Ngozi’s see-through pink night wear.
Meanwhile Mrs. Ajo-ife suddenly woke from sleep and sat upright on her bed for no known reason. As she sat there motionless on her bed she could hear faint voices from her children’s room, which was just adjacent to hers. She became curious to know what they were talking about by that time of the night. She got up quietly and moved to her bedroom door, which was open and put her head out through the curtain to listen more carefully to the sound coming from her children’s room.
The discussion between 16 year old Mike and his 14 year old sister Ngozi continued with Mike saying, “NG Pleeeeaaase now. Can’t you understand? I can’t stand it any longer! This is 5 days running, I mean 5 whole days and we have not had fun. Do you know how I feel? I don’t have any other girl friend out there and I doubt if you have any boy friend either. Don’t you have feelings?” Ngozi whispered back, “Mike I understand but you are the one who does not understand. Please let’s be cautious. I am even tired of taking those pills everyday to avoid getting pregnant. And mum has started complaining that I am putting on weight, likewise other people who knew me before now. I am sure one of these days mummy may drag me to the hospital for medical checkup and of course you will appear innocent.”
By now Mrs. Ajo-ife had tiptoed to her children’s door and could vividly hear the discussion going on between her children. She was transfixed to the spot on hearing what the children said to each other but was too stunned to shout or make any move. She thought she was dreaming. Just then, she heard..
“Ng baby, please just help me for this night. We will talk about better ways to be cautious later. I can’t imagine spending this night without enjoying that sweetness which I can only get from your body. Please my sister, my love. I am dying of passion. For the past two years we have not stayed this length of time without having fun, and you are getting sweeter by the day.” Mummy could hear her daughter as she sighed, “Oooh! I will allow you just for this night but after today we have to think of another way of satisfying ourselves. But you have to be very gentle and I need a lot of fore play. I told you that I am on. See you, you have removed your boxers already! Naughty boy! Don’t tear my night wear unless you will explain to mummy what happened to it in the morning.”
At this juncture Mrs. Ajo-ife could not hold it any longer. She opened the door of the room and met her son on top of his sister, right in the act. She stood there clutching the door handle, looking at the two youngsters who were startled by the opening of the door. They sat up on the bed and grabbed different ends of the bed spread for covering.
After what seemed like eternity, Mrs. Ajo-ife stammered almost voicelessly, “What the hell is going on here?” This question initially got no answer but after a while, Mike braced up and said, “I-I-I-I am sorry mum. IT IS NOT MY FAULT!” Ngozi was too broken to utter a word. She could only sob and sob. Their mum asked, “Mike did I hear you say it is not your fault? What is not your fault? And whose fault is it?” The drama continued, but let me end the episode here.
I want to ask, what would you call the relationship between Mike and his sister Ngozi? I know you will say it is in in**st because that is the English and religious name of that act. But I would like to call it s*x abuse in the family. I want to share with us causes of s*x abuse in the family.
But before then let me tell you that stories similar to the one you read above or even worse versions of it abound in families today. A few weeks ago I read the story of a 9 year old boy who confessed that he had been sleeping with his 7 year old sister every other night for more than one year. There was also the story of a teenage boy who impregnated his twin sister, somewhere in the Mid-Western part of Nigeria. If you give me time and space I will tell you more real life stories like these but I don’t think that it is necessary. How did we find ourselves in this mess? Come with me let me show you some of the things we do in our families, which give rise to s*x abuse at home.
• Parents do not teach their children s*x education early enough.
At times we forget that emotions are controlled by hormones, and as such do not know who is a blood relation or a distant acquaintance. We underestimate the force of attraction that exists between siblings, especially in their teen years when they have the greatest emotional and s*xual urge. That is why, like in the case above, a parent will allow two teenagers of the opposite s*x to share the same bed in the same room all alone. Imagine the teen boy waking up early in the morning with full er****on, which is not out of place at that age and the first sight that greets him is the n**e, succulent body of his sister sleeping carelessly with her silky night gown raised up to her chest. And he sees this almost every day. If anything goes wrong, I must tell you that IT IS NOT HIS FAULT. We allow our children to be too close with each other without caution. There are cases where parents allow siblings to dress or undress before each other all in the name that they are brother and sister. What an error!
• Some parents unconsciously promote s*x abuse by their own actions. For instance, daddy sits wearing a very short boxers or walks bare-chested in the house with his young daughters around him. Mummy on the other hand ties wrapper above her chest and sits carelessly, sometimes letting the wrapper fall off without showing any sign of concern. As if that is not enough, she puts on her clothes half way and asks her son to help her hook her bra or zip up her blouse. While nothing may go wrong between you and the child, you arouse the child’s emotions and leave him or her burning with passion and erotic imaginations. That is abuse of the mind and emotion of the child. And when such feelings build up to an uncontrollable level it finds expression through any available channel.
• In the name of modern lifestyle we use indecent dressing to destroy our children. Predators are not only outside, many of them are inside the house with us. We don’t care what our children, especially our daughters wear at home. Some of them move around the house half naked in the presence of their “hot-blooded” brothers and probably other extended family members. Remember I said that emotions and arousals are controlled by hormones and often do not know who is a brother or sister.
• How about mouth kissing? I don’t know what to say to parents who kiss their children on the lips. You are destroying that child. You are teaching that child that whoever says he loves you can kiss you to express his love. And of course they have come to believe that nothing can go wrong just by kissing, after all nothing went wrong when you kissed them.
• We encourage s*x abuse through the type of films we watch in our homes. We are meant to be good examples. Therefore we cannot say that the kids should not watch those X-***ed films when we ourselves watch them. If they don’t watch it when we are there they will try to see what is in it when we are away.
• We give children unlimited and uncontrolled access to the internet. And after watching only God-knows-what into the middle of the night after you have gone to bed they retire into the privacy of their room to sleep alone with their siblings.
• We are careless with the kind of friends our children keep. Do you know that some of the boys who come “to look for your son” are actually there because of your daughter? The same thing applies to your daughter’s visitors. Some of them use your daughter as an excuse to have access to your son. Your children know this and plan out their way very well to protect each other’s interest – right under your nose.
• Time and space shall fail me to talk about the numerous ills we bring upon ourselves when we abdicate our duties as women to house helps and other domestic servants. I have seen cases where mothers allow house boys to bath their baby girls or nannies to bath their sons without supervision. Do you know how many children have been abused through that means? And once they start they may never stop. Dear mum, even your husband who is the father of your daughter should not bath your four year old daughter for you. You may say I am an extremist but I know what I am talking about. Some time ago a friend told me that a mother came to her crying because her four year old daughter told her that the “father” molested her while bathing her the other day the mum went to the market.
• We allow careless, stupid and erotic playing among our children. Some parents don’t see the need to rebuke their children if they catch them touching each other in unseemly ways. They assume that they are just kids and will stop it as they grow older.
• There is also the case of parents who do not know the difference between bedroom talks, deeds or actions and talks that are meant for the public. They engage in romantic displays at the full glare of their children. Some of them will tell you that they want the children to know that they love each other or that they are teaching their children how to love their spouse when they grow up and get married. Please spare your children, especially the teenagers the embarrassment caused by your open romantic episodes.
I still have a lot to say about this issue but I am compelled by consideration for the time of my readers to stop here. The message I want to pass across is that we need to open our eyes because there are terrible cases of s*x abuse in the family these days. It is happening between parents and their children, among siblings, domestic servants are equally not left out. Just this evening I read the story of a mother who said that she was proud to tell the whole world that she was a le***an and her 18 year old daughter was her lover. According to her they were just happy to have each other! That is the world we are in today.
Please try to find out what happens in the bathroom when your two daughters or sons enter the bathroom and spend more time than necessary there. Be more concerned when you have extended relatives or holiday makers in your home. If possible, please do not allow your sons and daughters to sleep alone in the same bedroom; separate them. But where that is not possible due to economic reasons or any other factor be extra vigilant and don’t stop talking to them about the dangers of unholy union.