Silver Linings Project

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DON'T WANT TO MERELY SURVIVE, BUT TO LIVE

I have been slipping in and out of depression since 2012 and was diagnosed as bipolar in 2015. I've been to psychiatrists, psychologists, doctors of philosophy, therapists and natural medical doctor. I am under medication for more than 2 years now and it has taken a toll on my body; experiencing side effects such as weight gain, hair loss, drowsiness and challenges in memory retention. Suicidal thoughts and hopelessness keep rearing their ugly heads. Finding the right cure is a series of trial and error. Doctors' fee and medications are so expensive yet are not covered by insurance. Worse, there is still a stigma in this modern age. I experienced it first hand. I lost friends, ridiculed by society, demoted at work, and robbed of my freedom that I started doubting myself making matters worse.

But here I am now, stronger than ever with every recovery from every relapse. God is so good surrounding me with His unfailing love through family and friends, a great company with compassionate owners and understanding workmates, and a vision and mission of being a living testament that there is hope.

Whether bipolar or depression, I don't care. This sickness does not define me anymore. I've been through a lot. My heart's been shattered but it is still beating. My wings are broken but I can still fly. And I have decided that i dont want to merely survive, but to live.

For all of you out there, there is hope. Life is still beautiful. We don't have to stay broken. Be patient and give yourselves time to heal. There will be setbacks but with God's grace, everything will fall into place. You will then see that proverbial light at the end of the long, dark tunnel; the rainbow after the rain; the silver linings in every cloud; a realization why this and that have to happen. Love, you're not alone - I'm gonna stand by you!!

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CHEERS TO 2023!!

2020 to 2022 - 3 long, hard, grueling years as I struggle with bipolar disorder, failed business ventures and the pandemic that paralyzed the world.

I have been having depression every month from January 2020 until December 2021; a vicious cycle that has been haunting me since 2013. It has gotten worse despite being on medication. I got depressed for two weeks, manic for a couple of days, normal for less than 2 weeks. Repeat. Suicidal thoughts are a constant companion, rearing its ugly head every month, never failing to visit. I visited 2 new psychiatrists in a span of two years on top of my old psychiatrist who I talked to online from Cebu since the pandemic prevented travels. I also consulted 2 therapists along the way. I had a full-blown manic episode in March 2021 lasting for about 3 weeks. It was a nightmare not only for me but also to my family. I lost 3 good-paying jobs and have ruined relationships along the way because of lack of communication during my depressed state.

Come 2022, I decided to gradually stop taking medications. I enrolled in a program that teaches meditation, yoga and good nutrition. I thought I was making progress, but it just altered the length of my episodes. Here is a summary:
January - depressed for 2 weeks, manic for 2 weeks
February - manic for 2 weeks, depressed for 2 weeks
March - depressed for 3 weeks, manic for 1 week
April - manic for 1 week, normal for 3 weeks
May - depressed for 4 weeks
June - manic for 1 week, normal for 3 weeks
July - normal for 2 weeks, depressed for 2 weeks
August - depressed for 4 weeks
September - depressed for 4 weeks
October - manic 1 week, normal 2 weeks, depressed 1 week
November - manic for 2 weeks, normal 1 week, depressed for 1 week
December - depressed for 3 weeks, manic for 1 week

It is a tiring journey and I just want to give up sometimes. Bipolar disorder keeps me crippled and paralyzed. I am so exhausted, fed up and I can’t seem to find a silver lining in the dark clouds. I am suffocating in the darkness; drowning in a big, black hole. I feel so terribly alone, utterly useless living a life with no purpose.

But I have a strong family and friends who support me, care for me and love me. Their patience and understanding are unwavering. Their prayers keep me going especially at times when I can no longer pray for myself and no longer feel the connection with God. Thank you to my siblings Jayson, Jaidee and Mervin; my nephews Daniel, Josh and Johanness; my YOLO college friends, Shell family, Bayer family, Miguel, friends from school, work and the community. You are all so very thoughtful and wonderful.

I am now having a fresh start and a new beginning in the land of the free and home of the brave. I started meditation, exercise and good nutrition again and will research further on how to make myself healthier mentally, physically and emotionally. No retreat, no surrender. Never give up, never give in.

Happy New Year! May we all have a happy, healthy and bountiful 2023!!

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MOMMY, MY LITTLE ANGEL

Your behavior can be a bit strangely inappropriate Mommy. You made me a shirt that matched our pillow cases. Imagine my embarrassment when visitors came and saw me in synch with the pillows! Most of the time, you talk too much and scold too long! It was very annoying to learn my not having a boyfriend was a constant topic among your friends, and you gave out my phone number for potential dates. Well, I guess a mother's love led you to do the atypical.

There are some things I want you to know. I love how you fondly call me “Anak” and your usual reminder of “Magdasal ha, pagtawid-tawid, God bless” each time I bid goodbye. I miss our videoke sessions, after-office dates, and bonding over late-night shows. Sorry for making you worry when I missed my stop back in college and you had to wait for me anxiously in a shed by the side of the road on a dark, rainy night. I still miss my stop up to now, in fact I just got lost two weeks ago, and I remembered that fateful night each time. I am sorry for the time I made you cry; I wasn’t in the mood and got pi**ed off with your questions. If I could turn back the time, I’d gladly take that day off from work to be with you wherever.

You were terminally ill but never questioned God’s ways. Your faith was unwavering. It was a difficult month; I had an operation here in Makati while you were confined in Bohol. Neither of us knew about our conditions. While lying on my hospital bed, I was worrying how I can still send your meds not knowing the doctors have given up and you were just under pain management to ease the suffering until such time death knocks. I got to spend with you your three final weeks during my medical leave. When I arrived at the hospital, you were worried how skinny I had become, but not a tiny bit worried for yourself. You were already prepared; excited to meet the Lord. You even told us what you wanted to wear for the funeral. You prepared the rest of us for your passing. I have never cried in front of the family in the entire ordeal, I forbid myself from doing so. But in our private time together, while I sing the song you taught me "Here Today, Gone Tomorrow", I cried a river and you held my hand. I was again mommy's little girl, vulnerable and weak. And with your eyes, you told me it's ok, everything will be ok. When it was time for me to return to work, I said my goodbye trying hard to be casual even if I was breaking inside. I feared that goodbye will be forever; dreaded the next flight back home will be for the funeral. And for the last time you told me, "Magdasal ha, pagtawid-tawid, God bless". Four days after I decided to come home. I knew you were in so much pain but you waited for your little girl. We held hands, kissed, prayed, and surrounded with family and friends, you peacefully passed away.

Thank you for being all that you are Mommy. Thank you for raising us well. You have sown a lot of goodness that to this day and for the years to come, we shall continue to reap. We are blessed and surrounded with love from family and friends. I used to be afraid of dying; not anymore knowing you’ll be waiting for me on the other side. I miss you, I love you, until we meet again Mommy...