Thee Made Me A Poet

Psychology says, that if there's one person who keeps on coming back to you with an unchanged behavior, it is a kind of a person who's faking their love towards you. In fact, they don't miss you for being you, they just miss the idea of how you are able to make them feel appreciated, valued, given importance and make them whole. It's an emotional dependency that talks. And if it happens to vanish—their source of validation, they'll come back at you not because they love you, but because they seek a sense of security and comfort that you constantly give.

Being okay has two different sides. Being okay even if it wasn't and being okay because you have to. It's okay not to be okay, but it doesn't work most of the time. I always caught myself ranting my unsaid feelings through words because it's one of the ways I get to be okay. And here's one of today's courses. I have just realized that money can buy happiness-it could be through attention, care and concern. In my case, I was unfortunate to have nothing to offer in the family table. All I can do for now is to do house chores just to get the attention of everyone. It was never a big deal for me doing those things because I used to, but then suddenly, it became one. It's hard to compete and prove yourself that you're worthy of those attentions and concerns when you don't have the means to offer. I've always been begging for it-attention, love, and freedom to rest. I have been a very good son, I don't drink, I don't smoke and don't go out to party with friends. I have been following all those pressuring hopes that were put on my shoulder, but no one dared to check on me. "Are you okay?, How's school? Are you tired?" All they just did was to put more pressure on me. I am not a retirement plan, I am but a lonely son hoping for equal care. Is it because I don't have a job and my brother has? Or is it because I'm the eldest and as you see me being responsible means that I don't need those things from you? Or was it the love that has been poured and given unequally? I'm tired of all of those unequal treatments. I'm dying and crying myself to sleep just to get rid of it all out thinking I was wrong and you were right. I can never complain about that in front of you, because I stand for nothing and have nothing to offer. Was me being good made you happy and proud? Or would it be fun to do the same-drinking, smoking and outgoing, ruining my life just to get your attention in a way that I don't even want. I love them, but there's always a sigh, pain, and envy within me.