Jennifer L Clifford

A Farewell to Snakes

A new year approaches like an ending to a story I tried not to write
Too late I realized
I've built silk walls to protect myself from the world outside
While the thing that voraciously consumed me
Was trapped within them
Indelibly disintegrated
A chrysalis borne from flames
I'm running out of time
This version of myself is dying
This is not a resolution
This is an evolution
And in my next life
I will spend what I have wisely
There is no more room for ersatz romance
No more time to dwell in the conflagration
As the scapegoat for a well poisoned long before I arrived
I will no longer let others survive on chunks I've cut from myself
Or disguise my emotions like an aberration
Take the low road for someone afraid of heights
I will no longer hand my heart willingly to those unequipped to carry it
Call me "mine" without merit
Let them wash their hands of me
But let the indelible stains I leave
Forever whisper my name
I will no longer
Hide my light so others can avoid looking in the mirror
I will no longer sit on razor wired fences
Or dine at unstable tables
With forked tongues and bloodthirsty lips
From now on my name in your mouth
Will taste like truth and consequences
I will no longer lie
In beds with soiled sheets
Believing they're clean if I can keep my eyes shut
No longer except "they're gonna do what they're gonna do"
No longer be villainized in fictional accounts of what I said or did
In shape shifting narratives and vagueries
To serve some perverted martyrdom
To rationalize a pattern of harmful behavior
Nor jeapordize my mental health to keep someone else's peace
I no longer have words for anyone who "appreciates direct communication"
Until it makes them scrutinize their own behaviour
Or space for anyone blind to their own accountability
Especially with diagnoses matching mine
No longer lend my ears to mines
Go the f**k to therapy
I'm done wasting my time
This is not a resolution
It's a promise
I will fall or I will fly
But I will not linger

Imposter syndrome is so real.