Redeeming Church Conflicts

Released today! Backordered on Amazon but WTS Books still has copies at an amazing $9.99 price!

I’ll put my review from last month below.

Thank you, Darby Strickland!

May God help us all to understand better how to help when someone we care about (especially in our churches!) is facing the heartbreaking, complicated, horrible evil of abuse—

And may our churches repent and change so that they stop fostering environments wherein abuse thrives and abuse survivors are blamed and shamed.

Please, God.

Relying on Christ + in the battle, too—

Yours,
Tara

—

An Essential Resource for All Christians Who Love, Lead, and Serve Abuse Survivors

After reading this magnificent book by Darby Strickland (foreword by Ed Welch), I not only thanked God that its wise, biblical, and practical content would be available for all Christians to benefit from in years to come, I also sincerely thought to myself: “This is the best book I have ever read on the topic of Christians and abuse.”

To test myself, I went down to the shelves in my personal library that are packed with resources related to Christians and abuse / trauma, and I sat for hours re-reading my outlines, notes, and other marginalia in all of the best, most Christ-centered, most rigorously biblical and yet eminently accessible, books I have read over decades of study on the topic of abuse. My time spent in this review only solidified my initial inclination:

In her book, “Is It Abuse? A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims,” Darby Strickland provides Christians and their churches with the best resource on the topic of abuse that I have ever read. I could not more highly recommend it.

If you are already versed in biblical teachings related to oppression / abuse, and if you have your own set of memories of working with abuse survivors, you may enjoy simply reading through this book in its entirety. This is well-written, well-organized, and engaging prose that elucidates rich and important content.

But if you are new to the topic of abuse and you need to step slowly into the layers of complexity associated with this heartbreaking reality, you have a trustworthy and gentle guide in Ms. Strickland. She thoroughly explains terms without losing the reader in dry, clinical definitions. She facilitates reflection on new concepts through excellent review questions. And she provides appendices, charts, and other resources for your review and use in the future—in fact, she even specifically encourages her readers to “copy and reuse” the tools in this book. What a heart of ministry!

Built on sound exegesis and wise application of Scripture in abuse situations, Darby Strickland’s book, “Is This Abuse?” is exactly the tool Christians need to stop making the devastating errors that lead to continuing abuse in Christian homes and churches.

Please. Read it. Live it. And then introduce your church leaders and friends to its content, too.

I wish with all my heart that a book on abuse and Christians was not needed, but after decades of serving as a Christian attorney and mediator, I know with complete certainty that it is.

Thank you, Darby Strickland, for this profound gift to all who despise oppression and abuse, and all who delight in the goals you have for this book—to “drive out sin and protect the vulnerable.” Amen and amen.

Tara Klena Barthel, JD MBA: Christian attorney/mediator, author of "Living the Gospel in Relationships" and coauthor of "Peacemaking Women" and "Redeeming Church Conflicts”

Is It Abuse?: A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims God does not intend for marriage to be a place of oppression. Providing practical tools and exercises, biblical counselor Darby Strickland prepares potential helpers to pick up on cues that could point to abuse and investigate them wisely.

Ever since my coauthor retired from Christian ADR, I stopped maintaining the www.RedeemingChurchConflicts.com website. I do, however, reread many of the articles that he, Dave Edling, wrote—especially the ones that go beyond our brief book. (I think I have over 700,000 words in my notes from writing with Dave what ended up being a 75,000 word book.)

I particularly love this (long, dense) paper that he and I presented at a conference in 2014. I remember so well the debates and the breakout discussions, and Dave’s unflappable, compassionate, brilliant replies.

I do need to update the title of its link on our site, though, because my sexual assault in the MSP airport was just a few weeks after that conference ... and the retraumatization I experienced at the hands of Christians (who apparently, charitably, had no idea what trauma reactions were) began just a few months later. Exactly on my 45th birthday (in 2015).

So this link SHOULD be titled: “The Rest of the Story of Redeeming Church Conflicts At Least Up Through October 2014–But Watch Out Because Then Tara Is Going To Face Conflict and Suffering and Complete Abandonment in the Church Like You Cannot Believe So WOW! She Is Going To Rethink Every Single Thing She Has Ever Written, Taught, and Prayed About Church Conflict and THEN She Is Going to Start Serving Churches and Survivors in the / Movements and THEN She Is Going To Go Dark Through Five PTSD-Filled Years to See If She Even Survives More Or Less Ever Teaches Or Writes Anything Ever Again.”

Catchy, eh?

May God have mercy on all whom I have ever inadvertently hurt by my well-intentioned, best efforts at the time. But oh, I see now, how lacking my efforts were in my 30’s and 40’s. If I live a few more weeks, we shall see if my 50’s demonstrate even a modicum of greater wisdom, compassion, mercy, and love. Oh. And also insights about the impact TRAUMA has on our “outer man” (bodies - limbic systems - cardiac systems, etc.) too.

For God’s glory and love of both neighbor and enemy—

(Especially enemies in the church.)

Your 9/10 ACES Study friend,
Tara
www.tarabarthel.com

https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4617302/
https://redeemingchurchconflicts.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/embracing-church-conflict-the-implications-of-doctrine.pdf

redeemingchurchconflicts.files.wordpress.com

Just over two years ago, I had the great privilege of endorsing Pastor Curtis Heffelfinger‘s book, “The Peacemaking Church.” And due to at least three conflicted churches that I am serving right now, I thought it would be a good time to dig it up again for your consideration and review.

I will copy below my entire formal endorsement—but I wanted to draw your attention to one specific excerpt from my review, because it seems particularly on-point these days ...

“Thanks to Pastor Heffelfinger’s biblical scholarship, we also learn many new cultural, geographical, and lexical nuances of key peacemaking passages of Scripture. I particularly appreciated the careful analysis given of what I consider the most common and insidious way that seemingly mature Christians ‘thrust swords of words’ (Prov. 12:18a) into their vulnerable brothers and sisters in Christ ...

No, the most common and destructive ‘sword words’ are not hateful words or profane words. In point of fact, they are not even words at all. Instead, they are the selfish, rash, loveless shutdown tactics of ‘withdrawal, the cold shoulder, and passive aggressive silent treatment.’ The young people these days call it ‘ghosting.’ The Bible calls it graceless, faithless, lovelessness (the exact opposite of Exodus 34:6-7).”

If you are currently ghosting someone; if you are an ordained or lay leader in a church that is currently ghosting an entire family; if you have chosen the (temporarily) “easier” route of avoidance and denial ... please consider reading “The Peacemaking Church.” And even more importantly, please read all of the Scripture passages that it contains—and then pray for grace, faith, and courage to believe God’s Word and obey it.

This I pray!

- For the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace (Ephesians 4:3)

- For the precious oil rolling down and even saturating Aaron’s beard because so many brothers and sisters are striving to outdo one another in humility, repentance, confession, forgiveness, restitution ... love (Psalm 133:2)

- For God’s glory and our good

Your hopeful friend,
Tara Barthel

***

TARA BARTHEL'S ENDORSEMENT OF "THE PEACEMAKING CHURCH" (by Pastor Curtis Heffelfinger, Foreword by Ken Sande)

On a broad scale, Pastor Curtis Heffelfinger has given the Bride of Christ a great gift with his wise and winsome book, “The Peacemaking Church.” His application of biblical truth, with prayerful, humble reliance upon Christ alone, is exactly what Christians in conflicted churches need. In fact, there is so much eternal hope in these pages that I believe “The Peacemaking Church” will be of great help to Christians even before their churches descend into destructive conflict.

I only wish that this book had been available for the first twenty years that I served as a professional Christian mediator! It definitely will be required reading for my conciliation clients going forward.

My strong recommendation goes beyond a mere professional analysis, however, because I first read “The Peacemaking Church” soon after my family and I endured what can only be described as the worst church-based relational breech in our entire lifetime of faithful church membership. My emotional wounds were raw and I was quite guarded when I began this book. But by the end of “The Peacemaking Church,” my eyes were gently lifted up and confidently fixed back on the eternal hope and assurance of our True Home to come.

Pastor Heffelfinger not only encouraged me to recommit to a lifetime of ministry as an “ambassador of reconciliation” (2 Cor. 5:19-20), he also refreshed in my mind a number of biblical reminders to “reject, hate, despise, deplore, and abhor strife and discord among the brethren“ (Prov. 6:19b).

- If you are exhausted by church conflict and tempted to give up on any efforts to pursue genuine peace, I am confident that “The Peacemaking Church” will motivate you to keep praying and striving for unity.

- If anger, bitterness, and wrath have gained evil footholds in your conflicted church (or ministry, family, business—really, any corporate entity), “The Peacemaking Church” will help you to slay those “giants which lurk in all our hearts.” (to use Pastor Heffelfinger’s words).

Thanks to Pastor Heffelfinger’s careful exegesis and relatable, real-life examples, everyone from a new Christian to an experienced mediator will be refreshed with a deep vision and passion for unity in the Body of Christ.

Thanks to his biblical scholarship, we will also learn many new cultural, geographical, and lexical nuances of key peacemaking passages of Scripture. I particularly appreciated the careful analysis given of what I consider the most common and insidious way that seemingly mature Christians “thrust swords of words” (Prov. 12:18a) into their vulnerable brothers and sisters in Christ ...

No, the most common and destructive “sword words” are not hateful words or profane words. In point of fact, they are not even words at all. Instead, they are the selfish, rash, loveless shutdown tactics of “withdrawal, the cold shoulder, and passive aggressive silent treatment.” The young people these days call it “ghosting.” The Bible calls it graceless, faithless, lovelessness (the exact opposite of Exodus 34:6-7).

Whatever the title for such peace-faking and peace-breaking, we all know the result: disunity. Brothers and sisters, this should not be the case! Let us listen to Pastor Heffelfinger and he calls us to listen to God’s Word ... and let us do the hard, prayerful, sacrificial work of actually pursuing real peace (Ps. 34:14, Heb. 12:14).

Thank you, Pastor Heffelfinger, for this important contribution to the biblical peacemaking literature. You are correct that, “Unity is an exceedingly fragile thing.” But thanks to “The Peacemaking Church,” all Christians will be better equipped to pursue and protect the “unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Eph. 4:3).

Tara Barthel: Attorney, Mediator, and Author/Coauthor of Redeeming Church Conflicts, Peacemaking Women, and Living the Gospel in Relationships

Peacemaking Church Peacemaking Church

When Using Criminal or Traumatic Offenses as Illustrations of Forgiveness | Brad Hambrick When Using Criminal or Traumatic Offenses as Illustrations of Forgiveness by Brad Hambrick | Mar 24, 2020 | Counseling Reflection | 0 comments This article is one post in a series entitled “When Talking about Forgiveness.” Let’s start this reflection by admitting something – we like to use e...

The Greatest Danger to Your Pastor’s Spiritual Growth I have always believed that the highest character trait of a Christian is humility. There are many statements in the Bible that support my position. Here are just a few: This is the one I esteem: h…

“Faithful shepherds protect their flocks not only from harmful outside influences but from the self-serving among the sheep.

Many congregations have experienced the intimidation of bullies within their midst when leaders fail to take responsibility to shepherd the flock. It is often the strong-willed, outspoken, highly opinioned folk who fill the void.

There will always be leaders—the issue is whether they are the leaders called and gifted by God to shepherd his flock or those who push themselves forward so that they can push others around.”

(Redeeming Church Conflicts at page 17)

Redeeming Church Conflicts Turning Crisis into Compassion and Care