PT Topic

My finals week is over! Here is a recap of what happened and what I learned.

I failed 5 exams this semester and set the low for the other exams. I'm not sure if I did well enough for these finals to make it to the next semester. I did my best and I'm not sure if it was enough. Everytime a joke was made about failing exams when I was around others or what I see on social media, my mind immediately thinks "if I fail this next exam, I can kiss the last 6 years of my life and over $100,000 wasted." My friends and supporters tell me I should be proud of what I've accomplished so far and grades don't define who I am. I agree, grades don't define who I am, but at the end of the day, if I don't get the grades needed to survive, then the time and money I invested all goes to waste. The quote, "it takes years to build an empire, but it takes one day for it to burn down to the ground" keeps me on edge.

And for my friends and supporters who say I should focus on my strengths and the patients I've made a huge impact on, I immediately think about how my classmates would have done a better job than I would in treating my patients and I sabotage all my successes as "xyz person would have done this better than I can". And how my strengths isn't that unique as there are so many other people who have my same strength but significantly better than mine. The same could be said for the extracurriculars I'm a part of. This made me feel worthless, talentless, useless, incompetent, and a waste of resources. I yearned to be someone else. I felt like I would never be good since there is always someone who is better than me. I felt like the impact I was making isn't as great as someone else and why bother continuing?

After talking with my therapist and doing deep meditation to reframe my mindset, I realize that I was hard on myself because of my past mistakes I never truly learned from. I didn't learn from the past failures where there were no second chances. When I did learn from them, I allowed myself to realize that I am developing my experience and sucking is a requirement for my personal growth. I am not the best, and that's okay. Each opportunity will allow me to grow.

part 2: despite the mental bog I was dealing with throughout the week, I made my best effort to enjoy each moment I was a part of. If not, my motto kicks in. If it's not fun, then I'll make it fun. And ofc, I made it fun and did a great job in compartmentalizing the things I needed to work out in my own time later. I took the risk to meet the people I admire whenever I saw them. Such as finding out was having an event right next to my airbnb on my way to the convention center and I took the initiative to introduce myself and take a picture with them (after contemplating if I should go into the restaurant or not for a whole 7 minutes). My entire CSM experience reminded me of a quote by the late Technoblade. "Most opportunities are created through luck. It takes skill to grasp those opportunities and turn them into success." I was extremely lucky to see all these amazing individuals at CSM. I took the leap to connect and record meeting them despite my mental barriers created by my anxiety and depression episodes. It was a huge success for me even though I wasn't able to record all of the moments for the people I look up to. Thank you for reading my post as it's different from the usual descriptions I post. As a final message, for those who are struggling with mental health or anything in general, you are doing a great job and I'm glad you are alive with me today. It's okay to take the time to step away to recharge your battery. It's okay to take the risk to overcome your hurdles. Everyone is fighting their own battles and each challenge is unique to them. What matters is that you identify what success means to you and make progress towards it since an inch forward is an inch forward. Get help or learn how to get help when you're stuck or feel frustrated. Life is unfair and only you can be the best advocate for yourself for what you need.

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