Jami Carder Coaching

Shout out to those who grew up in a family in which they felt like they didn’t fit in. Especially those struggling on Father’s Day.

This is one of my favorite childhood photos. I used to sneak into my dad’s closet and put on his firefighting gear. It was so heavy, I could barely walk in it. But I loved how it felt. It was almost like the weight of the gear was connecting me to my hero. I became part of him. He was brave and cool and strong, and he taught me everything I knew about male love.

I look at this photo through blurry, multi-factorial tears. I’m 53 now. Some of my tears are from this little girl, so in love with her dad, she’d do anything to get closer to him. But nothing ever felt close enough.

She knew it was because she wasn’t enough. She didn’t have that language, but she knew it, nonetheless. He kept that love at arms-length, for reasons he only knew. Hell, he probably didn’t know, either.

Other tears are from 53-year-old me. The version of me who worked her ass off rewriting the narrative that she wasn’t enough, simply because other people couldn’t figure out how to show it. The me who learned about different male love. The me who cries for that little kid who tried, failed and accepted her fate.

Most days, I’m good. I know my lovability is not determined by people who haven’t figured out how to love properly, no matter the reason. And I love him, despite all that's happened. He'll never know that, but that's ok. My love has no conditions. My access does, but not my love.

Still, I’m always walking that tightrope, balancing the little girl who craves paternal affection and protection with the grown woman who knows that even if the estrangement ended, she’ll still never fit in.

Nor would she want to.

There's no happy ending to this.

So, she protects that little girl who no one cared to protect.
And she sure as hell loves her more than anyone ever has.

That little girl isn’t alone anymore. She's not unlovable. And she's more than enough. Because she's got the 53-year-old badass lovable version of her showing her the way. And together, they walk that tightrope, ever so mindful of the joyful moments they encounter along the journey.

So, this is a shout out to those who are walking that tightrope.

It’s ok to fall off either side. Just make sure you get back up.

It’s ok to crave love from your family. You’re hard-wired for it. Just don't let go of loving yourself.

It’s ok to leave your family, even if it breaks your heart. Just remember that boundaries are the greatest form of self-love.

It’s ok if they leave you because you got tired of playing the role they assigned you. Just know it's a reflection of their wounds, not of you.

It’s ok if you cry or yell or feel depressed, or go no contact or reach out to them, or take a break to nurture yourself or live the hell out of your life at full speed.

It's ok to be your authentic self, even if you don't know what that is yet.

It’s ok if you do all of these things. Or a bunch of other things. Because there is no damn manual for not fitting in with your family. We gotta write this thing as we go along.

Just know that I see you. You and all of your badass lovability.

Now, get to work so you can see it, too💕

Jami Carder coaching Registered Nurse, author, essay writer, nursing advocacy, meditation teacher, trauma coaching

There will be people who are more invested in protecting their ego than in taking accountability. They will choose the safety of avoidance over the security of vulnerability and connection…even if it means losing the person who would walk through fire to help them heal.

But we all know what happens when you walk through fire.

If you’re worried about your relationship being ruined from a conversation about your feelings, your expectations, or concerns about behavior, it might be time to take a step back and figure out what it is you're willing to walk through fire for.

Healing individuals will lean into uncomfortable conversations to learn about themselves, heal past traumas and personally grow. They will be curious to understand how they hurt their partner and what they can do to prevent it from happening again. They apologize and initiate repair, regardless of the discomfort to their ego.

Healing partners will look at conflict as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship.

Unhealed individuals will defend and deflect so they can hide from their behavior, and more so, hide from WHY they exhibit that behavior. They’ve been hiding from this pain their entire lives, and don’t like it when someone sees it for what it is. These partners will purposely destroy a relationship with you because you set boundaries and have standards that you won’t compromise on.

Once the relationship ends, as it inevitably will, they will seek out a weaker partner who will accept the bare minimum. This validates their behavior and perpetuates the cycle of unhealthy relationships.

If you recognize yourself in this scenario, it’s okay. There is no shame being on either side of the relationship. Our relationships mirror our past traumas, but also provide an opportunity for healing... if we allow them to.

But at the end of the day, only you can decide which type of relationship cycle you want to nourish.

Only you can decide that you are worthy of love, and that begins before any relationship starts.

I’m learning that living in discomfort while I wait for someone to reach their potential is on me. I can’t expect someone to be committed to me when they aren’t even committed to themselves.

Each time I walk away from someone I love, I become better at loving me💕

Jami Carder, LLC Registered Nurse, author, essay writer, nursing advocacy, meditation teacher, trauma coaching