PDA Partner

You're a work in progress, just as your child is. You can give yourself grace while you grow in Acceptance.

Acceptance.

As parents of PDAers, one of the most challenging hurdles we face is that of Acceptance. Yet, it is one of the most powerful supports we can offer to our kids. It’s not the kind of acceptance that just logically understands their neurodivergence from a fact-based perspective. It’s so much more than that. It’s the kind of acceptance that embraces the emotional and psychological awareness that a PDA life...will…look…different. Period.

“Well, isn’t that kind of a fatalistic attitude?”. Not at all. Acceptance is not the same as hopelessness. In fact, the irony is that the more we accept our child as being PDA, the less we find ourselves making demands on them and the more they respond positively and attempt to try more.

Does acceptance mean no demands, then? Does it mean our kids get to do whatever they want? No, it doesn’t. Low demands do not mean no demands. Acceptance does not mean we allow a free for all with no boundaries. Acceptance allows us to pan back enough to see which boundaries truly become worth setting.

Acceptance says, “I accept who you are…just as you are. I may not always love your behavior, but I understand it’s a nervous system disability and that it’s not within your control.” Authentic acceptance creates a safe space for our kids to exist and is key to developing meaningful connections. It is from these new connections with our PDAers that sets the stage for meaningful growth and change.

Reaching Acceptance – Offers Safety – Allowing for Connection – Inviting Change

Our kids know when we are genuinely in a place of acceptance. They see it in our actions, they hear it in our tone, they observe it in our body language. Likewise, regardless of the words coming from our mouths, they know when it comes from a place of disappointment or even resentment. Our PDAers are, after all, empaths of the first order.

I was one of those parents who gave mixed messages. I said the right words to my PDA daughter but on the inside, I was harboring frustration and confusion. Not on purpose. I simply hadn’t, at my core, come to a place of peace with our situation as it stood. I had not truly accepted who she was. I even found myself questioning the extent to which she was really struggling. “Was it really that bad? Could she truly not even brush her teeth…for days…ok, weeks?” Too, there was a part of me that wasn’t ready to give up on the future as I had envisioned for her, for me, for our family.

My parenting approach was very traditional. My approaches were a reflection of what I believed to be “good and responsible parenting”. My compass was fixed and steady… pointing to very reasonable achievements I felt certain she capable of attaining. I used positive reinforcement, reward charts, executive functioning approaches, among countless others. None of those changed her behavior for the better. In fact, the refusals increased. She would not do them. Not because she didn’t want to do them. But because she could not.

It wasn’t until I reached that place of Acceptance was I able to effectively use the approaches that best supported my PDA daughter. I discovered the accommodations that helped to heal her nervous system disability instead of bringing it harm. I let go of ineffective and conventional strategies. No longer was I the leader marching ahead of the band. Instead, I chose to walk behind, creating a safe space where acceptance trumps achievements. We were now on a path of discovery together. Side by side, each day learning how to navigate this PDA life.

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