Spiritual John Wick

Earlier this year I felt the need to go home. I didn’t understand why at the time it seemed so random. 9 months later I now know why the pull. It’s weird how life works out, even when you think it doesn’t. For most of my life I have put the feelings of others around me ahead of my own. Also I buried my feelings so that I wouldn’t feel shame for doing so. I did this to the extreme for the last 14 years using my business to mask/ cover up the loneliness I felt inside. Staying silent so that the people I loved wouldn’t have to feel bad when they had mistreated me. Sadly I have watched many other women do this over the years as well. I know that men are doing this as well as I have started to watch my son posses the same behavior in certain company. I have decided to take a different direction with the way I handle myself. It helps no one to remain silent and that act itself perpetuates the never ending cycle of abuse in any form.

There is someone I would first like to reach out to and let her know my truth, not because I owe it to you but because I loved you and that means I am willingly giving it. I always wondered why you felt the need to be so quick to make me your enemy each time we had a falling out. I know now that it is because of the turbulence that you experienced as a kid. The other day I thought about you, when we were kids and I would call you Alanis Morissette. I know you hated it and I think it was because you thought I was teasing you. The truth you need to know is that it was like a nickname given in love I just didn’t know how to tell you that. What you didn’t know was she was at the time one of my favorite female artists to sing to which I did when I got home after school every day and there was no way I was gonna say that and look uncool. What you choose to feed in your mind grows. If you have fear, pain, or mistrust it will grow no matter how much you run from it. Surrender to the fears and they hold no more power.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, come on it the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on that sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

~Dylan Thomas~

An ode to my old lives 💜

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