An Open Book

This time of the year is hard when you are missing a piece of your family. I'm missing a piece of me. It's scientifically known that as a mother you will always have your child's cells in your body. My mind often wanders to what life would be like if she was here today. What movies she would like, what song would she be singing on repeat, would she look like me or her Dad, how big she would be now; it's one thought after another after another. Sometimes the guilt consumes me so much that I don't even want to function. I feel alone in my thoughts, I feel no one could ever understand the amount of pain I live with every day. I have learned to hide it well. I don't cry as much. I'm able to talk about her. But I see it come out in ways like anger. I have a shorter level of patience now. Last thing I want to do is fail my kids by not being a good present mom. But honestly a lot of days I do feel like I'm failing them. That I could be better. I could do more especially this time of the year. I want to make every Christmas magical, I don't want them to see my pain. But it's hard being full of cheer when you know one of your babies is suppose to be there celebrating with you. Knowing you won't ever get to experience seeing her eyes light up when she sees the presents under the tree. Knowing you wont see her grow and change every year in the family Christmas photos. Knowing she isnt there to share what she got with her siblings. Knowing she wont be experiencing the Christmas vacations. Knowing that a piece of your heart will always be gone. So it's the knowing it won't ever happen and the unknowns of what could have been. These are the things, I learned to live with every day. It's taken years to get to this point of being ok most days. But this time of the year will always be hard.

Happy Halloween 🎃 👻