Conversations With Ima

Zelda: "Ima, what's gotten into you? You're running around like a crazy pup!"

Ima: "Zelda, I just discovered Luna and Layla of ! They're the funniest dogs I've ever seen!"

Zelda: "Oh, is that so? You know I'm not really into those internet dog celebrities. I prefer my own company."

Ima: "But you have to check them out, they're almost as funny as "

Zelda: "Ima, that's a joke, right? You know I'm not really into stand-up comedians either."

Ima: "Haha, yes it was a joke. But seriously, Luna and Layla are hilarious and more famous than the Kardashians!"

Zelda: "Well, I'm not impressed unless they're marketing catnip. If they're not doing that, I'm not interested."

Ima: "Oh, you and your one track mind. If you keep going on about catnip, you're going to end up buying that cheap stuff they sell at the convenience store."

Zelda: "Hey, I'll have you know that I only buy the best quality catnip for myself. I have a refined palate, you know."

Ima: "Sure you do, Zelda. But seriously, you have to check out Luna and Layla. They're the new internet sensation!"

Zelda: "I'll think about it, Ima. But you know me, I prefer to keep to myself and enjoy the simple things in life, like a good walk in the park."

Ima: "Ha! That's exactly what Luna and Layla do too! Except they do it while making hilarious videos that have millions of views!"

Zelda: "Well, I'm happy for them. But I think I'll stick to my own brand of entertainment."

Ima: "Suit yourself, Zelda. But don't say I didn't warn you when Luna and Layla become the new rulers of the internet!"

Zelda: Yo yo girl, hot off the presses... Doug may not need to go to Detroit next week.

Ima: Stop trying to play jokes on me, Zelda.

Zelda: I'm serious, I just got it in on the bug I planted.

Ima: How is that possible? I thought they shot down your spy balloon over Lake Michigan earlier this month.

Zelda: They did shoot down "one" of my balloons over Michigan. But that was a decoy. I painted the other ones blue.

Ima: (in disbelief) You painted your balloons blue? How does that even help?

Zelda: Well, I attached the listening device to the blue balloon. And guess what? I overheard Doug talking on the phone, and he said he doesn't need to go to Detroit next week!

Ima: (surprised) Wow, that's great news! Why doesn't he need to go?

Zelda: (grinning) He didn't say. But who cares! The important thing is that I won't have to listen to him complain about Detroit for the next month.

Ima: (laughs) Yeah, he always acts like he's going to the moon or something.

Zelda: (nodding) And don't get me started on his stories about the "good old days" of travel. I swear, he's like a broken record.

Ima: (smiling) Well, we should probably let him know that we're glad he won't be going.

Zelda: (sarcastically) Yeah, I'm sure he'll be devastated to hear that.

Ima: (jokingly) Maybe we should send him a get well soon balloon bouquet.

Zelda: (laughs) Or we could send him a deflated balloon and say, "Sorry to hear your plans got popped."

Ima: (laughs) That's hilarious, Zelda. You always know how to lighten the mood.

Zelda: "Ha! I heard that Doug is finally attending Breakthrough I graduation in Las Vegas today. He's really taking this whole 'cult' thing seriously, isn't he?"

Ima: "Oh, you mean the 'not-a-cult' that teaches amazing communication and leadership skills? is a much better person for it. It’s where he came up with his life’s mission to have a positive impact on millions of people. I'm sure he's just dying to learn how to manipulate people better."

Zelda: "Exactly! Every cult leader needs those skills, right? I'm thinking of signing up next month. What about you?"

Ima: "Oh, if only I could. But my portfolio is a dumpster fire thanks to the drop in cryptocurrency prices. I can't afford to be indoctrinated into a not-a-cult, even if it does teach me how to lead."

Zelda: "Well, I guess we'll just have to stick to our old-fashioned methods of communication and leadership. You know, like “talking to people” and actually being a decent to human being."

Ima: "Yeah, I think that's a good plan. Doug will just have to find his own path to enlightenment, without us."

Ima: Hey Zelda, what do you say we count down the top 10 things to do when our man leaves the house?

Zelda: Sure thing Ima, let's get started. What's number 10?

Ima: Number 10, mope around the house all day. You know, just feeling sorry for ourselves.

Zelda: Yeah, that's the life. But what's next?

Ima: Number 9, go on and off hunger strikes based on when we're hungry. Because why eat when we're not happy, right?

Zelda: Absolutely! And what's number 8?

Ima: Number 8, leave a new ti**le marking for the woman of the house to find in her socks. Classic prank!

Zelda: Haha, that's a good one. And number 7?

Ima: Number 7, throw a tantrum by throwing all of our toys off of the sofa. That's sure to show our man who's boss!

Zelda: Indeed. But what about number 6?

Ima: Number 6, snuggle with our man's wife to make him jealous to return home. You know, give him a taste of his own medicine.

Zelda: Ha! That's a great one. And what's number 5?

Ima: Number 5, since number 6 doesn't seem to be working, sleep on our man's wife's head. That'll really get his attention!

Zelda: Haha, that's hilarious. And number 4?

Ima: Number 4, throw another tantrum by moaning when we throw all of the toys off the sofa. Just to make sure everyone knows we're not happy.

Zelda: That's brilliant. And what's number 3?

Ima: Number 3, double up on the amount of shedding that's occurring. That's sure to drive our man crazy when he comes home!

Zelda: Haha, I love it. And what about number 2?

Ima: Number 2, take advice from our former enemy Zelda. Because, let's face it, she's the only one who knows what she's doing.

Zelda: Haha, thanks for the compliment Ima. And the number 1 thing to do when our man leaves the house is...

Ima: Drum roll please... Number 1, pour our heart out on Instagram. That's the best way to show our man what he's missing!

Zelda: Haha, I couldn't agree more! Now let's put these tips into action!

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