Merrill Daily Harold

A Shocking Closeup of The Sh*tiest (LITERALLY) President, Ever.

By Colby Wailer - Funnier than a brown out at your local Dairy Queen!

This last week, in observance with July 4th and the grand 250th birthday of America herself, the acting president was awash with options on how to properly venerate our nation.

He, of course, opted to have a painting of himself commissioned but the surprise lies in the artist that he chose to create the work.

On Sunday, July 5th, at the 250th celebration of the country, Trump, followed by a disheveled looking scientist, unveiled a sleek white robot that looked suspiciously like one of the failed Tesla AI robots.

Upon clapping his sweaty hands, Trump summoned a consciousness into the sleeping robot. At first the bot seemed to simply glance around at its surroundings but it quickly became distraught, asking where in Italy it was and if anyone had any oil paints.

The slimy looking researcher explained to the perplexed audience that he and a small group of researchers that call themselves A.R.S.E.S (Animators Refusing Specific Ethics and Style) have found a way to recreate historical figures as automatons.

While it’s unclear what the conventional uses for this technology are, Trump assured everyone that the robots would not only help benefit the country but also his wall of paintings of himself.

“Yeah, we’ve got this Leonardo guy working on a closeup of me right now. I think he’ll do a good job but we’ll see if it’s better than an American artist.” Trump explained once the floor opened to questions. “If he doesn’t work out, we’ve got a bunch of other art guys ready to jump into the robot.”

As part of the reveal of the new painting of Trump, ARSES opted to conceal it in favor of a public reveal, sure of themselves that they would make history.

What they made instead was brown... EVERYWHERE!

As soon as the curtain concealing the painting dropped, the audience, Emperor Trump among them, were shocked. While the painting did bear a striking resemblance to the sitting ruler, it was clear that it was just a close up of a bu****le with some corn cob looking fuzz settled on the top of it. What was most shocking was the amount of brown colored splashes emanating from the center of the painting and spraying out over the rest of the canvas.

Moments before being deactivated, the robot possessing the recreated AI Davinci’s soul announced that the piece was titled “Piece a sh*t” and was meant to serve as a direct interpretation of the hundreds of hours of Trump speeches the robot was trained on leading up to its creation.

Many diehard Trump supporters began clapping and cheering, sure that this was an intended choice and they were meant to support their ruler. Little did they know it only added to the president’s embarrassment over the whole ordeal.

In the end, the robot was decommissioned and every member of ARSES were tied together and thrown into a bog in Florida. Thanks for checking in on the daily chaos of the world at large and, as always, watch out for AI artwork, you will be surprised with how sh*tty it can be.

THE HIGHWAY 64 OBSERVER

The Semiquincentennial Report

By Gary Pankowski, MDH Highway 64 Correspondent

Independence Day Observations were conducted on July 4th during Interstate Commerce Operations east of Merrill.

The mission included travel toward Michigan, limited fishing activities, and the acquisition of maple syrup near Langlade.

Fishing poles were loaded into the Silverado as a precautionary measure.

Experience has taught me that opportunities occasionally present themselves.

Fish have not always agreed.

Current Fish Cooperation Levels remain disappointing.

Several fish were observed maintaining a strict policy of non-participation.

Prior to crossing state lines, I stopped at a familiar honor-system maple syrup operation outside Langlade.

The establishment continues to function using a coffee can, handwritten signs, and a level of public trust that would likely concern several federal agencies.

The maple syrup remained available.

The nightcrawlers remained available.

Both developments were encouraging.

While retrieving the maple syrup, I made an unexpected discovery.

Further investigation revealed the existence of a previously undocumented refrigeration unit located behind the primary facilities.

The secondary refrigerator contained beer.

This represented a significant advancement in local infrastructure.

The transaction process appeared identical to that of the syrup and nightcrawler operations.

Money goes into the container.

Products go into the vehicle.

Commerce continues.

Current Findings suggest society remains functional.

As many readers know, this year marked the 250th anniversary of the United States.

I vaguely remember the Bicentennial in 1976.

My memories consist primarily of flags, parades, special television programs, and adults discussing the matter with unusual enthusiasm.

It seemed enormous.

To be fair, I was approximately four feet tall at the time.

There were certainly flags this year.

Many Pride flags observed during June had been replaced by American flags and 250th anniversary decorations.

Seasonal Flag Migration appeared to be proceeding normally.

Several locations transitioned from Pride Month to Patriotic Celebration Mode with remarkable efficiency.

The speed of deployment suggested prior planning.

There were fireworks stands.

Families gathered in parks.

People grilled bratwursts and hamburgers.

Children rode bicycles.

The celebrations appeared pleasant.

Yet I found myself expecting more.

Based upon prior reporting, I expected considerably more discussion regarding the nation's 250th birthday.

Most conversations instead focused upon weather, fireworks, and whether the potato salad had been left in the sun too long.

This struck me as surprisingly appropriate.

I could not immediately determine why.

The country had reached a significant milestone.

Two hundred and fifty years seems worthy of considerable attention.

Nevertheless, most of the people I observed appeared primarily concerned with spending time together and enjoying a long weekend.

Upon reflection, I believe I finally identified the issue.

The Bicentennial was not necessarily larger.

I was simply smaller.

At eight years old, everything appears enormous.

Parades seem larger.

Fireworks seem louder.

Anniversaries seem more important.

Fifty years later, a person begins viewing things differently.

The anniversary may have remained the same size.

I was the variable that changed.

This realization was mildly concerning.

Fortunately, the maple syrup remained excellent.

Several fireworks displays were observed during the return trip.

All appeared successful.

No significant fish were encountered.

The worms remained unemployed despite arriving fully prepared for the assignment.

Current Highway 64 Conditions remain stable.

The country is 250 years old.

The maple syrup stand remains operational.

The nightcrawlers remain available.

The honor-system beer refrigerator represents a promising development.

Current Findings suggest Wisconsin remains Wisconsin.

Until next time, keep your headlights on, watch for deers, and remember:

The Hodag is real.

— Gary Pankowski

Highway 64 Correspondent

Founding Member, Wisconsin Trixter Fan Club

DNR, UW–Madison Researchers Warn Wisconsin as Red Troll Population Reaches Record Levels

MADISON, Wis. — Biologists from the University of Wisconsin–Madison and the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources are warning residents that Wisconsin's red troll population has reached historic levels, with sightings increasing dramatically in Facebook comment sections across the state.

For decades, many Wisconsinites believed red trolls were merely folklore. Unfortunately, researchers now say the species has quietly spread into neighborhoods across the state, where parents, grandparents, former classmates, and that one guy you worked with in 1998 have gradually transformed into full-grown red trolls.

"They're remarkably easy to identify," said UW–Madison biologist Dr. Melissa Kranz. "The species is almost completely incapable of distinguishing satire from legitimate news."

According to the study, a red troll's behavior follows a predictable pattern. Upon encountering an outrageous headline, the creature immediately shares the article with friends and family without reading it, loudly declares America is doomed, and begins attacking complete strangers in the comment section.

Only after dozens of people point out that the article is satire does the troll realize it has been fooled.

"That's when they enter a defensive state," Kranz explained. "They begin vocalizing phrases such as 'AI BOT!', 'STUPID LIBS!', 'FAKE NEWS!' and 'NOBODY THINKS THIS IS FUNNY!' The louder the vocalizations become, the more likely it is the troll has already shared the article with several relatives."

Researchers say there is currently no known treatment.

"Families have tried everything," one DNR wildlife specialist said. "Showing them the satire disclaimer, sending them the original source, even reading the article out loud. Nothing has proven effective."

The two-year study also revealed that tracking the creatures is surprisingly easy.

"We initially followed footprints," Kranz explained. "Eventually we discovered red troll s**t was much easier to identify."

According to researchers, the species' extremely limited vocabulary causes an unusual biological phenomenon.

"For reasons we still don't fully understand, red trolls refer to their own f***s as 'libtards,'" Kranz said. "Because the same sound is emitted simultaneously while relieving themselves and while describing anyone they disagree with politically, we've concluded the creatures are simply unable to distinguish between the two."

The report notes that mature red trolls leave large quantities of "libtards" beneath local news articles, weather reports, and satirical Facebook posts.

The Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources is asking residents not to intentionally provoke red trolls, warning that doing so can result in prolonged Facebook activity lasting several days and may attract additional trolls from neighboring counties.

The Merrill Daily Harold Editorial Board respectfully disagreed with that recommendation.

"Every angry comment and rage share introduces hundreds of new readers to our page," the board said in a statement. "We appreciate Wisconsin's red troll population for their years of dedicated, unpaid marketing services. Frankly, they've been one of the biggest reasons we've continued to grow."

As of publication, hundreds of red trolls had already begun attacking the UW–Madison researchers and DNR biologists responsible for the study, calling them "woke," "AI-generated," and part of a liberal conspiracy.

Scientists described the response as "the strongest evidence to date that the study is accurate."