Astral Projection

I am frozen fruit and lost petals
I am crisp honey tea on a lukewarm afternoon
Our eyes shine like sunbeams hitting morning dew
We are us

What do I do
When I can't help you
I feel so useless
Like I can't do this

I wanted some great video
A monologue of my escape
I wanted to find beauty in it but there wasn't a story like that for me
It was broken coffee mugs and lukewarm beer
It was thunder on a sweet sunlit day
There was no happy ending but only a new beginning
A rocky, shaky, rumbling begging
A new way to rebuild

I am tired
Of being too fat for men who have no future
For men who have no right to decide what my vessel contains within
For men themselves who weigh the same as me or more
For men who look at naked women on the internet and fantasize about them
For men who wonder what they're like

I am tired of being me
I am tired of trying to people please and fill others with love
I am tired of loving
Of losing
Of fighting
Of the same excuse of "I can't change who I am but I can change what I do"

I am tired
Of not being them
Of not being enough
Of going to bed sad
Of crying over it
Of asking for them to be better
To do better

I shouldn't have to

Pillow thoughts
------------------------

The cold sinks into the crevasses of my bones
It makes a home there
A black plague that hovers like rain clouds
But there's never any rain

I flip and roll
The ground shakes underneath me
I crumble California like an earthquake

I ask to make home in your arms but I am too high up
Hovering above every face I've ever met
Ever known

I am a balloon on Shelby's birthday that has been set free by some kid who loosened his grip

I continue to go up
And up

I don't crash until you tell me you can't sleep because I'm bouncing too much
But
I don't know how to stop the earthquake inside of me that gets worse when I lay down