Remembering John Knighten

John would be 57 years old today, he was just 45 years young when he took his last breath. We will never stop celebrating this special day but it will never be the same. Grief is forever but so are our memories. Happy Heavenly Birthday John.

Today John would be turning 56 years old. I can remember being younger thinking that people in their 50’s were so old. Now I’m 52 and he is forever 45 but oh the wisdom he had to live his best life while he could. John never cared much what others thought or about waiting for perfect timing, he knew better and I try very hard to honor that life lesson and the legacy he left us. So much has happened since he took his last breath, I can’t help but be sad for all the moments he has missed with his daughters but I see him every single day in their strength and their wisdom beyond their years. I leave this poem for my girls, as we eat pancakes for dinner tonight, remember your dad with joy of all those fun adventures and never forget to live your best life now because no one is promised tomorrow. Happy heavenly birthday John.

I’ve always believed that our loved ones watch over us after death and definitely leave us signs of their presence to remind and comfort us. Some may see feathers blowing in the wind but I see angel wings. John was most definitely watching over our daughter’s wedding this weekend and that brings me much joy. He should have been there to walk her down the isle but his presence surrounded us.

Ten years, a painful decade full of tears, struggles and growth. In loss time takes on a new realm, some days the pain still feels so fresh and other days the memories feel like a lifetime ago. It’s hard to believe 10 years ago on this emotional day, John took his very last breath. It was awful to witness but we were surrounded with SO much caring support. He fought so bravely, never complaining and with a sense of humor right up to the end. Even though his cancer treatment was absolutely brutal, he fought for more time, more special moments, more memories. We crammed a lifetime into those fighting years. No matter how much time goes by, the journey of loss never gets easier. New circumstances and new life events are constant reminders of everything they are missing. All these years later our lives are still full of so much pain, pain from what should have been, pain from regrets, pain from memories that are fading away. There is comfort in cherished core memories, there is guidance in life lessons, there is wisdom from experience, there is much reflection, there is an abundance of thankfulness too for all the blessings our journey gave us. We have never felt so surrounded by caring support, compassion and grace. I have no doubt John watches over us, he leaves us signs everywhere. The gift of perspective is very powerful and that guides me through each new day. I never take time for granted, I appreciate things on such a deeper level because I now know just how quickly it all can change. I was a caregiver through cancer and death, it is an awful experience that leaves you emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. With deep pain, life is never normal again and you just keep spinning in a tornado of what used to be
and what will be. It’s very easy to drown in your own thoughts and fears, grief can literally consume you. You live in fear of it happening again. When I had my own cancer scare ALL of those emotions came back fast and furious. I know now that our scars never fully heal. Life is truly a gift that should never be taken for granted, it’s fragile on a daily basis from so many circumstances. I see family and friends struggling with their own health, disease seems to be everywhere in so many forms. Rather than live in fear from it, I want to be brave like John was. John made me strong, together we made strong girls and we will keep fighting a brave fight too. Our daughter is getting married next month, he is not here to walk her down the isle, he should be and that hurts. I will walk her down that isle though with a smile because it’s a very special moment where a love story comes full circle. This wedding date is the day I met John. Life is full of miracles, believe in them! I want to honor John’s memory today and the amazing legacy he left us to be brave, take chances and live our best life!