Malachi DarkFool

If Not for You

We gave back what we’d borrowed..
boxes packed, fragments of us
folded into the seams.
Then we met again in the hush of a theater,
Your leg warm against mine,
Your scent drowning the stale popcorn air.

The screen lit our faces,
but my eyes were fixed
on the line of your neck,
the curve of your lips,
the way you leaned in just enough
to undo me.

I want her like breath in deep water,
like the heat before the kiss,
like the pause before the fall.
Every second apart is wasted,
every second with her..
a kind of mercy
I’m not sure I deserve.

If not for you..
there’s no fire in my chest,
no pulse in my hands,
no reason for the dark to feel this alive.

If not for you..
the screen is just light,
the night just empty hours,
my mouth just a mouth,
and not a place your name burns through.

If not for you..
I’m sober in the worst way,
dry as ash,
waiting for the match.

But you’re here..
thigh to thigh in the dark,
your breath skipping over my jaw,
your skin whispering now.

If not for you,
I’d still be breathing..
but nothing worth the breath.

I still tremble in your presence. Before the courage of want takes control.
I am yours... I will always be yours.

Maybe You Might

I still remember
The way October held her breath
When I asked to stay,
Not with words,
But with all the silence
I didn’t know how to fill.

I touched your doorframe
Like it was hallowed ground,
And though I tried to play it cool,
I think you saw
The boy beneath the man..
The one who needed you
To want me back.

I’ve walked long miles
Since that night,
Through cold beds
And conversations
That never quite fit.
No one speaks like you..
Not with your eyes,
Not with your hands,
Not with that ache
That mirrored mine.

And you did say it.
You did meet me,
When no one else would.
You looked at the mess I was
And still leaned in.
That meant something.
Still does.

Now it’s harder..
We get tangled in the noise,
In the weight of what the world demands.
But I still believe in the quiet
We found in each other.

I don’t want fireworks.
I don’t need a rescue.
Just the stillness of your hand in mine,
The way it was
Before the world got loud.

I want us
To feel simple again.
Not easy—just ours.
And maybe you might
Still want that too.

I wrote this at 38, still reeling from the before. A light edit for my progression with this f@ up language we speak.

Ashes of Me

Verse 1
I don’t dream, I just descend..
A thousand nights that never end.
Your hands, they stitched me into shame,
But I still answer to your name.

Pre-Chorus
No light, no voice, no holy sign..
Just the echo of what's no longer mine.

Chorus
I am the silence after screams,
The static thread inside your seams.
You dressed me warm in your neglect,
Then loved the ghost you won’t respect.

Verse 2
I let you drink the soft from me,
Then kissed the rope that set you free.
A body learned to crave the knife,
If pain’s the only proof of life.

Pre-Chorus
So take my calm and take my skin..
But don’t pretend you let me in.

Chorus
I am the silence after screams,
The static thread inside your seams.
You dressed me warm in your neglect,
Then loved the ghost you won’t respect.

Bridge
Numb isn’t quiet, it howls like need..
Like nails in vows I still can't bleed.
And I’m still here, still painted black..
A hollow you won’t give back.

Final Chorus (softer, stripped)
I am the silence after screams,
The ache that haunts your dying dreams.
I wear the ash of who I was,
And called it love... because it was.

YOU KNOW WHERE I STAND

I’m not here to argue anymore.
I’ve been reaching, quietly..
trying to find a way back,
but I don’t know the steps.

I don’t want a version of you.
I want you.
Us, as we were
when things still felt possible.

Even in the worst of it,
we found ways to laugh,
to breathe
inside the chaos.

I know I let you down.
Maybe I wasn’t what you needed.
But I never stopped wanting to be.
I never stopped trying.

And I still haven’t.
Not really.

So if you pull away..
just look back once.
See the parts of me
that were made softer by loving you.
The ones that stayed
even when I didn’t deserve them.

Hold them up against
the things I got wrong.
Weigh it all.
And ask yourself
if there’s anything worth saving.

If there is..
I’ll meet you there.
If not,
I’ll still understand.

You know where I stand.

We could try again..
not to rewind,
just to begin
from where we are.

I’m not proud of the ways I’ve failed.
But I’m still here.
Still trying.
Still hoping
you might see me differently..
one more time.

Eyes of Azure

Eyes of azure,
A paler hue..
A sky drained dry,
A shadow veiled in blue.

A ghostly frost,
Too still to melt,
A presence cold
Yet rarely felt.

Eyes that held evil,
Not wild....controlled,
A cunning chill
That never grew old.

They watched you burn,
Wanted it,
They fueled the fire,
Smiling quiet
At your funeral pyre.

Yet, you were always the wolf,
They, the sheep.

No rage, no scream,
Just sharpened lies,
A mirror mask,
A man in disguise.

Those eyes still haunt
Though time has passed,
Their stare was first,
And it might be last.

Neon Maw of the Unborn God

I married a sorted dream in a burned-out church.
She wore a veil of flies, came when I lied,
and smiled like she knew
what I buried beneath the bathtub tiles.

We spoke our vows in static and dust..
syllables bitten in half by rust..
I said forever,
and she bled through the years.......
like it meant something.

She once carved my name into her thigh
just to prove I existed.
Said love was best when it left a scar.
Said,
"if I go, I’m taking you with me."
And I stayed,
like a match pressed to gasoline
just to feel chosen.

My spine split open..
snakes slid out slow,
humming lullabies I must’ve heard once,
before the overdose,
before I learned her kiss tasted like a dare
I’d already lost.

I tried to remember her face
but only saw a mirror
cracked across my jawline..
each shard reflecting a version of me
that begged her to stop
and hoped she wouldn’t.

In the alley behind my dreams,
a payphone rings.
It’s God again.
Says he forgives me.
Says he misses how I used to pray drunk.
Says he saved a place for me
in the part of heaven where nobody makes eye contact.

I tell him I’m busy.
I’m learning to sleep without dreams.
Learning to walk with my hands tied.
Learning how to love
like a man who’s already been forgiven
for something
he still plans to do again.

F**k.. fight.. or hold the light boy. That's all you've got as a man. Let me find you holding the light.... I'll kill you myself.
-Albert Lee Marshall

You'll never know the hell inside me. The hell I go through..
-Albert Lee Marshall

The last of last night's writing. F**k you very much!

Plan B

To leave it all behind,
Wake up in a new county,
Time after time..
Sell the old, chase a new journey.

I'm starting to sound like the evil that made me.
But what am I tied to?
The ones who pull and feed from me,
Tear me down, then bleed me.

What do they give? Why stay?
Is love just in my way..
To be met halfway when I'm undone,
To find a reason in a setting sun?

I give 'til I break,
Then circle back again.

To leave it all behind.

Plan B is a bit weak. It could be anything.. maybe Zyklon B. LMAO F**k it. It is what it is and I won't edit it again.

Misc journal entry...

Death and darkness,
Depth in shadow.
Having seen the light
Makes the hollow echo.
So much deeper.
I can't commit to the bright
I wallow in the night,
An ache that owns me outright.

I wish to rip off this armor of humanity,
Be the animal I was meant to be.
Live on instinct, not injury,
Damn this damaged soul
Cast it into flame,
Wreak havoc,
Become nightfall.

Finished poem. Did I need to polish it?

Cast to Flame

Death and darkness,
Depth in shadow..
Having seen the light
Left me more hollow.
It carved out the center,
A cold, endless well.
I can’t commit to the bright,
I was never meant for that spell.

I wallow in the night,
Where silence sings in screams,
A full ache claiming everything,
Even my dreams.

I crave the fracture,
The snap of the seams.
Let the armor of humanity fall,
Let it rust and bleed.
Let me bare the fang,
Let me crawl,
Let me feed.

Live on instinct,
Not injury.
Let pain be fuel,
Not the chain that’s killing me.

Damn this damaged soul..
Too scarred to save.
Drag it from the ribcage,
Cast it to flame.
Not for rebirth.
Not for redemption.
But to be free of the name,
The weight,
The shame.

Wreak havoc.
Tear through the veil.
No apology, no vow.
Become nightfall now.

Untitled

I am the goddamned devil.
Let me peel it back.. come see, my girl.
I broke bad.
I broke good.
Now the rage in me needs someone to bleed.
I’ll gut 'em clean..
Blood eagle.
Let their ribs sing hallelujah in reverse.

Alone with this warped shell,
I turn on just to burn.
No one left.. no soul left..
Just hell and a thirst.

Tonight, I am the killer.
Tonight, I am the blade.
Sobriety’s co**se don't matter..
It never fu***ng saved.
I feed on the blood oath I made with lil O,
A pact in spit, s*x, and shadow.

The rage was our tether,
Our unholy peace.
Now I strike in its name..
And I don't need release.

Running

Running...
As far as the gas will take me,
'Til the devil himself can’t break me.
150 MPH, redline scream,
Seatbelt off in a deathwish dream.
Both hands locked, grip like steel...
The devil's gonna pay for his meal.