Purpose over Fear

Isolating.
So freaking common among us addicts… isn’t it?
“The less people tolerate us, the more we withdrew” says the Big Book.

In all my classes, treatments and discussions isolation is one of the most common words I have heard. At a recent event where I was celebrating (hosting) my daughter's birthday I kept ‘sneaking away’ to ‘fix this’, ‘set up that’, ‘Prepare for this’, ‘Pay for that’, it was all a masquerade of actions to hide the fact that I was running to my car to grab one more sip. Not proud, just ashamed, but unable to relent.

Isolation gives the diseased a place to calm the brain activity, to satisfy the hunger and to wash away the fear of when the next opportunity will come. In my mind I felt like Smeagle from Lord Of The Rings – but to have that one sip, somehow just relaxed my brain for another hour so I could “be present”. But I wasn’t present, I was just the opposite, because even when I was physically there my mind was still focused on the next “my precious” moment. (you’ll get this reference if you’ve seen Lord of the Rings).

It sucks.

Wanna know what is amazing? Although my daughters knew what I was doing, they still forgave me. I know they won’t always forgive me, but for today I am still their best mama and that means everything to me. Someday they will hate me for this – but today, I am so thankful for their forgiveness.

Journal Entry – November 16, 2024

Action:
Buy an alarm caddy for my medication so I can remember to take my meds daily.
Intent for Today:
Self-reflection and writing.
Keeping the journal going.
Reframing my thoughts on stress.
Being purposeful with my self-care.
Wins So Far:

Completed 1 mile on the treadmill ✅

It’s 1:15 PM, and my family will be here in 15 minutes. I’m hopeful today goes better than our last conversation. I feel both excited and anxious.
I understand that they have every right to feel nervous about me coming home from the hospital. Trust will take time—and I’m committed to earning it. I will try my hardest. I know what is at stake if I don’t change.

Today’s Anxiety—And How I’m Reframing It

Family visit → I get to hug everyone.
Workplace embarrassment → I can become a better employee.
Being home alone → If I’m alone, I can meditate.
The idea of going home—and the idea of not going home → I am up to the challenge.
Bills, budget, adulting → Independence and freedom come with being a responsible adult.
The house holds many painful memories → I can create a space that makes me feel good.
Never having a drink again → I never have to feel awful again.
That is enough for one day.

At group today, we watched a TED Talk about how stress can actually be helpful—if we view it as something meant to support us, not harm us.
That perspective shifted something for me.
The stress of my cancer diagnosis triggered my PTSD, which ultimately led me to this addiction inflection point. But that same stress also drove me to fight—and I fought hard.
And I won.

I am grateful for today’s lessons, the people I was able to speak with, and the life I still get to live.

PS: My favorite meditation is Deandre on the FitOn app.

What I’m Proud of Today

I showed up for myself with intention and self-reflection.
I kept my journal going, even when things feel heavy.
I completed 1 mile on the treadmill, choosing movement and care for my body.
I faced my anxiety about seeing my family with honesty instead of avoidance.
I reframed my stress and fears into opportunities for growth.
I recognized the importance of trust—and committed to earning it through my actions.
I acknowledged my past, especially cancer and PTSD, without letting it define my future.
I chose gratitude for the life I get to live today.