Sin Bandera Poetry

It has never ceased to amaze me that life keeps moving forward.

Now, I know the obvious response is an eye roll and a snarky, "well, duh!" But hear me out.

I lost my husband in 2021. My world, for all intents and purposes, stopped that day. My kids will forever be 24, 20, and 17. My nephews will forever be the young men trying to finish school and find their way in life. My friends' kids will forever be tiny humans.

Come to find out, the world actually kept turning. My boys are (almost) 29, 25, and 22. My nephews are grown, working dispatch, starting families, living their lives. One kiddo is now 10, another almost 5, one os 2, another a senior in high school.

Life goes on.

And no matter how hard I tried to fight it, mine did too, and I'm glad it did. I'm now in the most secure, stable, and healthy relationship I've ever been in. I'm happy. Adopting a kid of our own. Have 2 spoiled dogs.

Life still has its challenges, and there are days I still miss my husband. I still love him. But I wouldn't trade my wife for the world. She has been my rock through everything, my confidante, and my absolute best friend.

I guess the message is simple: life goes on.

The year slowly draws to a close, which means it's time for reflection.

This year has had many ups and downs. I married the love of my life, and we are working on adopting a little boy, we spent time with family and friends, lost loved ones.

But it seems the thing that stays constant is love.

No matter the challenge, we stand stronger together. We may not understand what the other is feeling all the time, and we may not be able to make the situation better, but we stand side by side.

It really is the little things that matter. And so I urge you, friend, to try something new. No matter how long you and your partner have been together, chase them. Chase them like you're trying to win them and see what happens. Do something in their love language. Surprise them with flowers, or a note. Make their favorite meal or treat. It's too easy to fall into routine and take our partner for granted.

But most of all, take care of yourself. Don't forget that you're important too. Do something nice for yourself, even if it's as simple as a candlelit bath, or indulging on YOUR favorite treat. You need to be loved as much as those around you. Trust me.

Healing is messy. And the more i work on it, the more I realize certain events have left me traumatized.

Example: many years ago, we were burning the jungle of weeds that was our front yard. The wind picked up, so we stopped. The wind blew an ember to the house and the weeds started on fire. No big deal, we put it out.

Hours later, my hubby & a couple others went out hunting and I stayed with the kids. I had to go pick up the oldest, and the other 2 went with me.

As we were nearing home, I saw the prettiest orange glow. And then it hit me. That was our house!

After panicking for a brief moment, I called 911 and then was able to get the fire out with a garden hose.

Some time later, hubby & his hunting buddies returned home after seeing all the emergency lights. I wanted so badly to fall into his arms and seek comfort while I cried all the stress and fear away, but was told, "Now isn't the time."

We pulled a mattress into the living room as our room wasn't usable due to the fire making it through part of the wall. I saw his phone and that he had been talking to, and COMFORTING his ex about this situation. Someone who wasn't there, and had nothing to lose took precedence over me - the one who was there, who dealt with everyone's emotions.

I just want to know why. Why didn't I deserve to hear that it's ok, it's over, and everyone is safe? Why didn't I deserve even a hug, and the affirmation that I wasn't in trouble despite the angry words? Why was someone else the priority?

I have many examples and traumas, but this one really got me thinking. What is wrong with me that I didn't deserve the love others so easily had? Was i so bad a person that I wasn't worthy of comfort and reassurance?

Fast forward to today. I'm in a healthy relationship where we talk about everything. We have no secrets. We say, "i love you," and touch, and share love in all the languages. And still i don't believe it.

I'm still waiting to be told there's someone else. That this was all a cruel joke. That I still don't deserve the love I receive.

Healing is not linear. I just wish the scars weren't so deep.

Everyone wants to talk about the perfect relationship as if it just falls out of the sky one day, and lands a wedding ring on your finger. But nobody wants to talk about what it took to get there, or how hard it can be to maintain.

The perfect relationship isn't perfect. Not by a long shot. It is comprised of two imperfect people willing to put in the work to stick together and learn about each other, their triggers, their moods, their idiosyncrasies. It involves hard talks, hurts, willingness to forgive, and willingness to change.

I have had more than my fair share of relationships that I thought were perfect, but in truth, they weren't. I wasn't ready, or they weren't. And each one hurt me in its own special way.

Scrolling through old phone notes, I found many heartbreak poems of letting go - of a willingness to sacrifice my own heart so that other person could do whatever it was they wanted - be with whoever they wanted. I spoke of how it hurt to let go, but my willingness to see them happy outweighed my own fragile heart.

Looking through my poetry, I have probably over a hundred such poems and fragments.

The relationship I'm in now will be my last. Not because I've given up on love and hope, but because, with all the flaws we both have - it's perfect.

She came to me when I had literally given up on finding someone who would love me for me. Someone who wouldn't see what I could give them and use me til the last drop. Someone who wouldn't manipulate me into getting what they want when they could simply just ask.

We met at a coffee shop, and we both just knew this was it. You'd think that would mean things were easy, right? Yeah...no.

I have had plenty traumas that have made me try to sabotage the relationship. I tried hard to tank it, because if it was me who broke it - it was easier to handle than someone else leaving me for their own purposes. But she didn't leave. We talked through the things I had done and why, and we made changes. Change is hard. And scary. And not something I readily do. But we made it work.

And we communicated.

A lot.

Her traumas make her misread things and think she isn't enough, which couldn't be farther from the truth. But we still talk about it and work through it. We work together with our traumas, always talking, working through things as they come up. We do try to avoid triggers, but with each passing day, those triggers lessen.

In 95 days, we are getting married, and I am absolutely dead terrified. You see, every time I've been happy, it's been ripped away from me. I'm still expecting the, "I love you...but..." to come. I'm waiting for the camera crews to jump out and scream "GOTCHA!" And yet, I know it isn't coming, but I'm still afraid of it.

We remodeled a bedroom in our home so we can adopt one day when we're ready. New paint, new carpet, and furniture for a child. I'd be lying if I said I didn't stare at it the other day and tear up, ready to simply walk away from the entire thing. Why?

Why would I be willing to leave something that's so perfect for me? Because of fear. Traumas. That's what I'm talking about. Even the most perfect thing can spark a trigger you didn't know you had. I don't understand why it was a trigger. We picked out the paint together. Painted the room together. Picked out and laid carpet together. Picked out furniture together. We each had our opinion and found something that we both liked.

I've never really had that.

I've never been able to say, "I don't really like this...can we try something else?" I've always been "difficult," or "argumentative." I've always just, "made life hard," and I can't tell you the number of times I've heard, "If I died tomorrow, I would be sad that I wasted that day with you because you make life so hard."

I'm still waiting for that.

But in the meantime, we are planning our wedding. Working to put the details together into the most amazing day. Building a life from the ground up, with a solid foundation of communication, trust, and unconditional love. Each "thing" we are doing - another brick that will eventually lead us home - to our forever home. A place where we can raise our kids to be kind souls who will never question what love really is - because they will see it and live it every day.

I guess the moral of this story is that the perfect relationship isn't going to be handed to you. You're going to have to go through some storms to get to the blue skies - and you're going to have to put in the work if you want it to last.

But let me tell you - it's so very worth it.