What a bummer

2 years Cancer free today 🎉
Feels like quite a milestone. I’ve had various tests to confirm: a colonoscopy (9 months later than planned as the poor NHS is on its knees!), a CT scan and blood tests. The hospital gowns and cannulas are still kinda triggering, but all tests were clear. They found a polyp but removed it and biopsied it and no signs of Mr C - yay!

I am fully in Menopause, which is not much fun. I’ve felt emotional (even more than usual!), insecure, anxious, paranoid and at times sad. I’ve been told at times I’m being sensitive which is tough when you can’t really help it. But am trying hard not to be when I can. The brain fog is real - I lack concentration, feel confused at times and am extremely forgetful. It’s quite frightening, feeling like you’re losing something of yourself. This whole experience has definitely changed me, in more ways than one.

I appreciate why some people choose to keep the stoma bag, it’s been a rough ride since the reversal. As much as I hated having it, I now have LARS (Low anterior resection syndrome) which is a collection of symptoms that people who have undergone a partial or total bowel resection might have. TMI warning - my symptoms include, frequency and urgency, loose and incomplete bowel movements, meaning I often need to revisit the bathroom multiple times. It’s depressing and exhausting at times, and adds to the anxiety every time I’m going to be out of the house, especially if I’m not sure where the toilet is, or even if there is one. Like travelling on public transport for example can be pretty stressful. I often don’t eat prior to things like when I’m going to gym for example.
But it doesn’t stop me making the most of, and enjoying life - and it won’t.

I know the Cancer is theoretically behind me, but it’s still often present in some form or another.

I have been to a nutritionist and was told to completely cut out a selection of foods, which I did for 30 days, and reintroduce them one at a time - only strawberries, too much dairy and baked potatoes seem to have a definitive adverse effect. Back to the drawing board with that as some foods definitely have a worse effect than others although there isn’t an obvious pattern…

In positive news, I have been wild swimming since July, I try to go weekly with a friend when schedules allow, and it’s amazing. Apart from a major mishap a few weeks ago when we stupidly stayed in way too long and it took about 3-4 hours for me to stop shivering! Lesson learnt and now only staying in for one minute per degree Celsius. I have thermo gloves and socks to protect my digits as still have the peripheral neuropathy, although much much better than it was, still stings a bit when touching extreme cold.
The swimming is so rejuvenating though and life affirming - sounds really pretentious perhaps - but it’s true for me. There are lots of physical health benefits but it’s more a mental thing, a real sense of accomplishment. We are warriors!

I am going to the gym three times a week which is great, I am getting stronger physically and feel great when my trainer increases my weights. It definitely helps my mental health too, it’s my time, my space and my rehab.

I was bridesmaid to one of lovely best friends in August, the day after I was diagnosed I called to tell said friend, she just bluntly said “you can’t go anywhere, I want you with me at my wedding and for you to be bridesmaid!” She apparently had intended to ask me in a more eloquent way but it was another reason for me to fight, and I did, and I was there with her, and it was marvellous!

Iain’s fabulous, and the children are doing amazing. I catch myself thinking it’s so awesome to see how far they’ve come and what they love and what they’re doing, and also how that might not have been the case. And I hope I will see them become teenagers and adults. There’s no reason why I won’t, but that ni**le never seems to completely go away.

Today I got to celebrate by putting up the Christmas decorations, which I love, and enjoying a lovely hamper my dad gifted us.

Live each day, be kind and love yourself and those around you. Enjoy the festivities as best you can and celebrate life, cause it’s too short not to! x

Pinch punch it’s the first of the month! Pinch me for real cause I cannot believe it…

1 YEAR Cancer FREE TODAY!! Woohoo!

That’s gone quick! (I think because of the bag it doesn’t feel like a year, like that was an extension of the Cancer?!). I am waiting for my colonoscopy check but recently had a blood test and CT scan and all is looking good 👍

‘Free’ is a relative term… I still check every time I wipe for anything sinister. I had 7 months with a stoma bag which wasn’t my favourite thing! I am still retraining my bowel, which hasn’t been without horrifying incidents! I compulsively have to go to the toilet numerous times before I leave the house to try and make sure I am ‘empty’. I feel very anxious going anywhere where I won’t have access to a toilet - even doing the school run which is a 30 minute round walk and wait.
I have definitely lost confidence, in my body, how I look and how I feel. Going out with my kids alone worries me incase I am caught short and have to herd them along.
I feel regular anxieties I’ve never felt before.
But all of these are still way better than having the bag for me, an alien strapped to my body. And of course they are all a result of not having Cancer!

On the bright side, I am getting stronger and healthier. I am eating healthier (mostly), I have changed some habits for life, like skincare and the products I use.
I have an immense amount of gratitude for the time I have with my children and my wonderfully supportive family and friends.

Being human, having been through a lot and being quite sensitive (and menopausal may I add!) I carry people’s opinions, like many of us do I think. I wish I didn’t care what people say or do or think, but negativity weighs heavily on me.
But I am starting to have less tolerance for other peoples nonsense (although that may just be an age thing? Lol), which I feel slightly lighter for.

I am trying to ‘live for the day’ - I recently plunged off a slide into a freezing Loch (amazing!) and also went go karting which I was nervous of, especially after eating lunch and not having access to a toilet, but it was a blast and I had a great time!
I cried as I left the gym the other day as I was so overwhelmed I could do an exercise (and do it well may I add!) and I didn’t think I would be able to.

I cannot thank enough those who had such unwavering faith in me that carried me through. I know I am one of the very lucky ones who did beat Cancer and will never take that for granted!

I am more reflective. If you’re not happy with aspects of your life, change them. I read something recently that hit a nerve.
“Make your life 100% your responsibility. Don’t blame your parents, circumstances or anyone for your misery.”
I feel there is too much of this, excuses and blame for peoples own unhappiness. You have the power, make the changes you are in control to make. Be responsible and Be Happy!! We only get one shot and life is too damn short.

My Christmas wish is that everyone out there fighting the wretched disease, and those effected by it, has someone to hold, love, support and listen to them ❤️

Every day is worth celebrating, but today feels a little extra special for me ❤️ x

The ilestomy is no more! 🥳

I was asked to come in at 7.30am as I was first on the list, 10 hours later I went to theatre 🙄 I get it that someone else’s need was greater & they were bumped up the list, but their reason for it frustrated me, which I shan’t say here. Anyway, it is done & over & the bag is gone! A school friend who’s a nurse here spotted my name & escorted me to theatre which was lovely to see a familiar face when the anxiety was in full force!

I am grateful for the stoma & the part it played in my healing but I am glad to see the back of it. Whether I never allowed myself to ‘get used to it’ or ‘come to terms with it’ as I knew it was temporary I’m not sure, but I never accepted it. It leaked, it made my skin sore, it stuck out, it made me paranoid about leaks, what I wore, what I looked like.

But now it’s gone & I am two days into post op recovery. I am tired and sore. I have a drain in my stomach & a horrid tube up my nose & down my throat. I’m on a liquid diet of clear soup, jelly, mousse & oral morphine!

I have however broken wind which the nurses are most excited about 🤭 and it means hopefully I’ll get the nose tube out & some soft food soon 👍

A strange feeling passing wind after 7 months!! No smell as I guess there’s no food but it was audible 🫣

Luckily i’m in a side room which is lovely! I met some really nice people when I was in here in Dec for my main op but it was noisy in the bay of the ward, so this is a little treat to have a wee room to myself. The nurses & staff are all wonderful

I’ve had a few visitors which is lovely, & Iain let me beat him at cards!

The kids came in & C wouldn’t come near me with this tube in my face, it was horrible. I hope she’s not traumatised & will be up for cuddles when I get home. It’s the worst part of this whole thing, being away from them.

Not long hopefully until i’m home, & this does feel like the beginning of the end. The stoma has unfortunately been a constant physical reminder of my Cancer, so hopefully it going is another step to moving on & putting this chapter behind me.

As ever, thank you for following my journey, for your kind words of love and support.

Apologies for the graphics!!

Unexpected Menopause symptom - Nosebleeds… who knew?! Probably loads of people except me 🙄😂

6 bleeds in as many days, not massive but massively irritating when it drips on your clothes unexpectedly 🫣