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WHY MANY CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES CONTINUE TO COLLAPSE

If the church does not wake up to address this menace, we are working towards a global divorce pandemic--worse than Covid-19.

1. PASTORS ARE MATCHING UNDISCIPLED & UNBROKEN PEOPLE IN MARRIAGE--No institution tests character like marriage. And when pastors endorse and encourage two unbroken or undiscipled people to proceed into the University of marriage, you have set them up to self-destruct. If you're not broken before marriage, you will be broken inside marriage. The traditional processes of grooming Christian brothers and sisters in Christ-like values of patience, meekness, humility, faithfulness etc prior to joining them at the altar have given way to so called civilized-marriage counselling sessions that bare no semblance with teachings that shape strong values in men and women. Given the complexities of the marriage institution, Christian couples that are filled with pride, ego, carnality, greed, covetousness, and lust, among others are now being joined, and given the slightest heat of marriage, things break apart, and divorce becomes the next option.

2 ADULTERATED GOSPEL MESSAGES- A lot of Christian churches are the main culprits in these crises. The gospel of Christ which is deeply rooted in sound values that sustain marriages has given way to the gospel of prosperity, motivation, deliverance, psychology, philosophy, -hyper-grace etc, all of which have weakened the foundation of the gospel. This has raised a new generation of pastors that are unable to raise sound Christians who can walk in genuine love, forgiveness, sacrifice, loyalty and faithfulness in marriages. Another dimension to this is the growing attack on the influence of God's word on the society at large. We are presently in a post-Christian culture. Popular culture is averse to the final authority of scriptures. Rather than shifting culture to accommodate scriptures, the position of popular culture is to shift scripture to accommodate culture. This is what has led to the rising influence of feminism, humanism, relativism and cultural maxism, all of which are spelling dooms for Christian marriages. Sadly, a lot of Christian men and women, as well as popular Pentecostal pastors have bought into these heretic teachings, and consequently, marriages are suffering for this.

3 DEMONIC ATTACKS--There is a deluge of demonic attacks on the marriage institution. Satan knows the strategic influence of the family on the larger society. So, he is unleashing ferocious attacks on the minds of Christian husband and wives--hardening their hearts to the truth of God's word about how marriages should function. The biblical model of "the husband is the head of the family", "husband love your wife" and "wife submit to your own husband" is now being attacked, ridiculed and jettisoned even by pastors. Proponents of cultural maxism and feminism have been entertained even in many Christian circles, and consequently, Satan is having a good time, tearing down the very foundation upon which marriage was instituted. Sadly, a lot of Christian couples are very carnal. They don't know that marriage is a battleground. Consequently, they treat all crises as natural. Further, a lot of women don't pray for their husbands, while the same applies to the men as well. Constant prayers will ward off the attacks of Satan against your home, and will delete strange thoughts from your husband's mind. Constant prayers will also ward off the powers and influence of strange women in your marriage, while your prayers can also influence your wife's emotions and thoughts.

4 INCREASE IN MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS- Due to the level of ignorance among many Christians and pastors alike on the causes of marital problems, a lot of other cases that are actually mental health related are attributed to spiritual attacks. Mental health disorders have been identified scientifically among the main causes of marriage breakdown. The truth is, a lot of Christian men and women go into marriages with carried-over depression, PTSD, Bipolar and Schrizophenia, among other mental health challenges. While in the marriage, they begin to misbehave. Some are aggressive; some exhibit unusual s*xual desires; some are callous; some show no empathy; some are spendthrifts; some get angry easily; some are violent, and their spouses are unable to decipher spiritual attacks from mental health disorders. And sometimes, some of these mental health challenges are developed right inside marriage as a result of stress, abuse and economic crises, among others. This lack of knowledge and awareness among pastors and Christian couples about what is a spiritual challenge or what is a mental health challenge, and the available medical interventions is now leading to the collapse of many Christian marriages

5 THE DEARTH OF PASTORAL ROLE MODELS (a lot of pastors too are divorcing, so I too can do it)-A lot of couples are attending churches where the pastor is in his third marriage. Also, a lot of Christians see their spiritual mentors whom they hold in high esteem divorce and re-marry. Thus, they don't see anything wrong in quitting their marriages, given the slightest provocation and hurt from their spouses. They can see a role model in their General Overseers, and are so sure that divorcing their wives or husbands, even when there are other interventions for saving the marriage is not really bad, afterall, daddy is in his third marriage and God is still using him. This dearth of disciplined and consistent role models in the church, and particularly among senior church leaders is one of the major enablers of marital failures in the body of Christ

6 MANY UNSAVED PEOPLE, PRETENDING TO THE CHRISTIANS ARE GOING INTO MARRIAGES--Another major factor responsible for the continued collapse of Christian marriages is that a lot of people claiming to be Christians are not actually saved,. They are just religious. They claim to be saved, but still lie, cheat, watch po*******hy, bet, go to strip clubs and do all manners of silly things. But they sing nice praise worship songs, pray "fall and die" prayers, attend conventions, fast and sow seeds. But they are actually not saved, and are only the products of many of the false churches now in the body of Christ. When you match these types of unsaved men and women (who are just pretending to be saved) in marriages, the marriage will not last

7 GROWING GLOBAL ECONOMIC CRISES--The world is under a ferocious economic crisis. People are losing jobs; businesses are collapsing; hunger is pervading the land. This growing economic meltdown is sneaking its influence into many Christian marriages, leading to crises among couples. And when financial crises hit a home, only the tough can withstand the pressure. This can also be connected to the dearth of sound values among couples. The ability to endure times of hardship is deeply rooted in your overall value system as a woman or as a man. Did you marry that man or woman for financial benefits alone, and now that money is no longer flowing in, your love for him/her has dwindled?

8 MATCHING OF INCOMPATIBLE PEOPLE ON THE GUISE OF, "THUS SAYS THE LORD"- This current crisis is also being fueled by the discovery by a lot of Christian couples that they had actually gotten married to people they were not compatible with. This can also be linked to the lack of sufficient teaching around the basic premise for marrying someone. The, "thus says the Lord" approach seems to be failing the test of marriage heat and pressure. The question on the lips of many couples is this: "But God told me he is my husband?'. Yet, you have married a man that is not aligned to your values in anyway. The truth is: God will never tell you to marry someone who either does not share your values, or that will not in the process of time share your values. While it is very true and critically important to know the mind of God on whom to marry, the reality is that a lot of people lie on God to get their ways into the hearts of people they are actually lusting after. There is not enough teaching around doing very diligent research about your potential spouse. A lot of Christians think that the voice of God precludes taking time to study and under-study your to-be spouse to determine their extent of compatibility with your values and vision. A lot of prophets have also contributed to this crisis by using their prophetic ministry to join two incompatible people together in marriage. But the truth is, God is not the author of confusion. He will never ask you to marry someone you are not compatible with!

9. LACK OF KNOWLEDGE OF ROLES & RESPONSIBILITIES AT HOME-This one is major. A lot of genuine Christian men in Africa in particular are still tied to the aprons of many bad African cultural values, and need to be trained and schooled out of these mindsets. Some of these African man see the woman as lower in class. They see her as inferior, and as a s*x object and as a baby making factory. Consequently, they speak down on the woman; shut her down when she's talking; body-shame her; demote her vision; and use her as the primary instrument for fulfilling their own vision in the marriage. In many instances, some men never help the wives to do any house chores. On the contrary, the woman is seen as the cleaner and cook for the man.

Similarly, the woman also sees the man as the sole-provider for the home. She works, but sees her income as hers alone. Further, she the sees the man as the tool for solving all the problems of her own family members. All of these cultural stereotypes stem from the traditional African culture which many genuine Christians import from their parents' marriages into their own marriages, and when they begin to evolve, the center will not be able to sustain their marriage again. In fact, when many of these couples migrate to the western world, crises break out--given the unique cultural slants of the western society. This is why at the very least, wise parents and wise pastors need to develop not just counselling seminars, but schools of marriages where intending couples will be mandated to attend over a period of at least 3-6 months, just to detox them from all of these bad African cultures.

Friends, and ministers, my experience in counselling coupled with years of learning and un-learning as a Christian and as a minister has proved to me beyond all doubts that the body of Christ is presently in big trouble. The minds of our younger generation have been poisoned and polluted by what they see and read in the larger society. Pastors, please for the sake of heaven and eternity, can we go back to sound bible teachings? Even if we can't solve all the problems once and for all, we will still save a lot of homes when we groom men and women in sound biblical values that can guide them in choosing wisely, and that can sustain them inside marriage. If things remain the same with our knowledge about marriage, divorce rate will reach a global pandemic--and the larger society will suffer for it.

THE PRICE OF PEACE AND HARMONY IN EVERY MARRIAGE.

Many years ago I listened to a preacher share about how his wife would leave the television on at night and sleep off and they lived in a country where you pay based on how long you keep the TV on. Leaving the TV on therefore increases the television bill.

That attitude of his wife would annoy him and he was always angry at his wife for doing that yet it continued. It was obvious it was going to become a strain in the marriage.

Then one day while ruminating over this issue,I asked myself, “Is your marriage not worth fifty dollars extra at the end of the month? If this attitude of your wife will mean an extra bill of fifty dollars is it too much to pay for peace to be in your marriage?”

Unlike me, my wife is not a morning person. I can wake up by 2:00am, work till 5:00am, go back to bed and still get up by 6:00am and start my day. For my wife, I literally have to drag her out of bed in the morning. Her day begins only after she has had her bath.

In some homes, the wife is the one who goes to the kitchen to heat up water for the family to bathe. I guess it comes naturally with women. In my home, heaven help me if I wait for my wife to do that. I will wait for a long time. So I have resolved to make that my responsibility.

Even with the kids I will still have to be the one doing that in the morning because my wife is not a morning person. If that is the price I have to pay for peace to be in my home, it is worth it. We are talking about the price of peace.

One of my friends shared with me how his wife will never monitor the fuel gauge when driving. It is when the car finally stops that she realizes the car has run out of fuel. Guess who she will call? The husband. He will have to be the one to sort out the problem.

After several of such calls he had to find a way around it. He ensures the fuel tank is full at the beginning of the week which will take the wife through the week. That way he does not get any phone call that the car has stopped. It is the price of peace for him.

When I was working on this article I requested that people share some of the prices they have had to pay to maintain peace in their homes. I got a lot of responses that revealed that no marriage is perfect. The reason we see certain marriages as better than ours is because the parties in those marriages are ready to pay certain prices to maintain peace in their homes.

Let me share a few of the responses I got.

"In my home I just have to tolerate my husband’s attitude. He has this habit of talking over issues repeatedly. He can talk, talk and talk when a situation happens and will nag you till you fall over. So to allow peace what I do is try and keep my mouth shut. No argument, no talking back or simply walk away so that peace can reign."
-Ajoke Mariam Osikoya

"I usually don't turn off the lights in a room when I'm done using it. At the beginning of my marriage hubby will tell me to always make sure I do that when exiting the room, but after correcting me several times without change, he decided to just check back anytime I leave a room and will help turn the lights off. He just stopped complaining and started helping me do it. Eventually, I had to determine in myself to be more aware and I've gotten better doing that.
-Olubunmi Adeleye,

"My wife has a thing for matchsticks. After using one, she keeps it for 'emergency'. This act irritates me. No matter how long we discuss this (more than 9 years now) she still does. So I decided to dispose them and then I offer her a fresh one should an 'emergency' arise."
-Dapo Shodunke

"I don't pressurize my husband to do or not to do anything, especially something he really wants to, or really doesn't want to do. Putting pressure on him will only irritate him. I keep quiet and I pray instead. That way, I have peace and also get what I want. On the other hand, my husband will always hang the mosquito nets, switch off the lights and unplug my phones, because I always sleep off. He has stopped complaining. He will do the job instead."
-Bisola Muktar Mary

Those were just a few of the several responses I got about the price of peace that people are paying in their homes. A lot of other people were encouraged when they saw that they were not alone. You think you are the only one having an issue until you listen to others.

Sometimes we need to do things we don’t like for the sake of peace. If it is not too high a price then why not just do it and move on with our lives? Not every battle is worth fighting.

That is why it is important to be able to lead yourself because for these people whose reports we just read you find that either they or their spouses took responsibility for peace. That is part of what personal leadership is about.

I could have picked a fight with my wife for refusing to get up from the bed in the morning. Hamzah could have picked a fight with his wife for that thing with the matchsticks. Fatimah’s husband could have picked a fight with her for always forgetting to turn off the lights. But personal leadership helped us to take the other route thereby maintaining peace in our homes.

Now this does not mean you will never have to correct each other in the relationship or continually be in endurance mode throughout the marriage especially when it has to do with abuse. That is a completely different matter. You don’t endure abuse. But instead of fighting over why your spouse always presses the toothpaste tube from the middle, why not buy a second one so you have yours and he has his and both of you have peace? Has that not solved the problem?
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*"HUSBANDS AND WIVES , STOP WASTING YOUR TIME PRAYING"*

Benson and his wife don't sit next to each other during Church services.

Even when going to Church services, they go in different vehicles; and when they travel in the same car, it is usually a very quiet and uncomfortable ride.

Benson sat at his usual spot in the Church service; the fourth line on the far left row. His wife sat on the center row.

The Pastor took to the podium.

*"Husbands, stop wasting your time praying"* the Pastor began.

The congregants got alarmed. No one expects to hear a pastor saying prayer is a waste of time.

I am not here to discourage you to pray, but to encourage you to pray right.

Husbands, stop wasting your time praying if you are not treating your wives well.

You come to church driving your expensive cars, giving your offerings and tithes, active in Church, some of you are Church leaders; but how are you treating your wife?

You may look good to us Church members, but it is your wife and children that know who you truly are" said the Pastor.

Benson turned to face his wife. She looked at him. Benson could see her eyes.

Her left eye swollen from the blow he gave her last week when she confronted him about his alcoholism, po*******hy use and mischievous behavior.

People couldn't tell she had a black eye because of the make up she had on, so well done.

The Pastor continued, "People have perfected the art of cover up. Here in Church, so many are hurting but you wouldn't know.

People come here wearing their nice clothes, shiny smiles, they are active in ministry but hurting a lot in their marriage.

"We have become numb and plastic, brushing things under the carpet. But today we shall heal; and shall address those wounds we hide."

The Pastor cleared his throat and continued, "Many of those who are hurting their spouses are using the church to hide.

They think that because they give offering s and tithes, because they make public prayers, because they read the Word or because they hold a Church leadership position that they are right with God. God is also interested in what you do in your marriage and in your family.

The Word says that when you treat your wife badly, it hinders your prayers. Men, you claim to be prayerful?

Hear this, "Your first ministry is your home. Stop trying to blackmail God with your service in Church yet you are mean and hurtful towards your spouse."

Many of the members of the congregation got restless and unsettled.

The Pastor continued, "Many of those who are being hurt by their spouse hide their pain and want to project an image that all is well to validate that they are blessed and in control.

Some of you are active in Church to run away from the pain in your marriages".

The congregation was silent. Some straightening their ties, others fidgeting with their Bibles, adjusting their sitting position.

This pastor was preaching truth and it was uncomfortable.

The Pastor continued, "The husbands are not the only ones guilty here... Wives, don't you know the Bible says when your husband found you he found good virtuous woman and you brought favour?

Then why are you the source of your husband's headache and stress? Have you been so toxic that you have turned your prayerful husband into a prayer-less one?

Do you make him regret marrying you because you bring more complications than he had before marrying you?

How you treat your husband can be a stumbling block in his walk with God or an environment that encourages growth.

Many of you wives married your individual husbands primarily because of their relationship with God, so why are you now destroying their relationship with God instead of celebrating and nurturing it?

Why are you being a burden to your husband emotionally, spiritually, socially, s*xually and financially instead of being one who brings favour?"

Benson's wife looked at her husband. Benson looked at her, and she looked away.

The Pastor paused to drink his glass of water.

And he continued, "When I am thirsty, I drink a glass of water.

When your spouse gets thirsty, will you allow God to use you to bless your spouse?

You've been told many sermons that focus on you as an individual, that God will make you prosper as an individual.

I am here to tell you your blessings are tied to people, you are blessed to be a blessing to others. Our God is not an individualistic God.

Your blessing is tied to your marriage, your family. It's not about you; it is about Jesus and Jesus is about love.

What good is it to prosper and be successful when you have no love? It is all vanity.

God cares about your family, how you treat your spouse and children"

Silence. Silence. Silence...

"Yes, we pray. But what kind of prayers does your spouse pray because of you?

When your spouse prays, is it largely to cry to God because of the hurt you bring?

Is it to plead with God to change you from the monster you've become?

Is it to plead for grace to deal with how difficult you are? Or is to give thanks for you?"

Silence. Silence as grave yard

"Are you really prayerful? Do you really value prayer? What is prayer?

Then why is it that many of you find it easy to come to us pastors for us to pray with you as an individual, you find it is easy to pray in public, in a Church service or Bible study, but find it so hard to pray with your spouse?

Isn't that telling of what is going on in your marriage? Don't you know that the more you pray with your spouse the stronger your marriage will be?

But how can you find it easy to pray with a spouse you hurt or who hurts you?"

The Pastor paused and looked at the congregation. Eyes staring at him.

"I challenge you. I challenge you to pray with your spouse and to treat your spouse well. You must save your home, your marriage, your love!

Husbands, you are the head of the home. I challenge you to stand up and go to where your wife is and pray with her as a start of a more prayerful chapter in your marriage.

Don't do it because I asked you to but because you want to. Your choice"

One by one, the husbands present stood up.

Benson stood up too.

Benson walked to where his wife was.

The face of Benson's wife overwhelmed with love, she looked on as her husband walked to her.

She almost stood up but he gave hand gestures at her to stay seated.

Benson reached where she sat. Their eyes met.

Benson knelt down. He stared at her then kissed her swollen left eye.

"I am sorry" he said.

"Can I pray with you?" He asked.

She got up from her seat and knelt down too.

There, on the floor as the Church service was still ongoing, husbands prayed with their wives.

Benson prayed kneeling with his wife.

They prayed for forgiveness, for thanksgiving, for love, for renewal, for peace, for direction; for their marriage.

Marriages were healed.

If You have been blessed by this message please share. You might just be saving a marriage at the verge of being broken.
By an Anonymous Writer