Ciro Auto Blog

The UK Dating Trap: What Many Nigerians Don't See Coming by uche87(op): 9:59am
When many Nigerians obtain visas to the UK or any other country, one of the first things they do is sever ties with their love interests back in Nigeria. They believe they will meet better versions of them abroad. That is often where it all goes wrong. The UK dating market can be ruthless, egocentric and driven by survival instincts. It is like being trapped in a desert where everyone is scrambling to make the best use of limited resources just to survive, stay alive and eventually find their way home.

The cost of living in the UK is high. The bills keep coming every month like a woman's menstrual cycle. As an immigrant, it is difficult to pay all your bills from the income of one job, so many people end up taking a second job just to make ends meet.

Everybody is busy chasing money and hardly has time to socialise. This makes life lonely for many people. Outside of work, it is difficult to get your friend's full attention. Sometimes, the best place to have a meaningful conversation with someone is at work. They are not talking to you because they necessarily like you. They are talking because they have no choice. They are stuck with you for a lengthy period, typically nine to twelve hours.

Just as many men are working hard, many women are doing the same. There is hardly any time to bond with others and build strong relationships. Many friendships are location-based. The moment you leave that environment, the friendship gradually fades away like over-washed Adire clothing.

Many women complain that they want more time and intimacy with their husbands. They lament the lack of affection behind closed doors. After working 60 to 70 hours a week under physically and emotionally demanding conditions, what can a 40-year-old man realistically do in bed? Just the basics. He scratches the surface, and the woman remains unsatisfied. Most times, she might not voice her feelings.

In the UK today, it is not uncommon to hear stories of married men and women being unfaithful. Some men do it openly, while some women describe it as a mistake brought about by neglect from their husbands. Some marriages have effectively collapsed because of disagreements over how household bills should be shared. The woman has closed the "Strait of Hormuz" in protest, like Iran, while the man seeks intimacy from work colleagues or, occasionally, social media acquaintances who are also trying to survive.

A woman in her thirties once sought my advice about starting a new relationship after suffering heartbreak. A man whose only interest was marrying a UK passport holder had deceived her. To cope with the emotional pain, she began taking extra shifts and working throughout the week.

I told her that where she invests her time will largely determine the outcome she gets at the end of the month. If she expands her social network and spends quality time meeting people, a suitable partner may come along. However, if she spends the entire month working, there may be money in her account, but there may be no man in her life, unless, of course, her crush happens to work with her. This is not rocket science.

Additionally, many men and women in the UK approach relationships with suspicion. It is like a never-ending game of Tom and Jerry. Some men believe many women are difficult and may not be submissive or peaceful in marriage. Likewise, some women believe many men are irresponsible or unfaithful.

Yet both parties still crave companionship and intimacy, and since "self-help" does not completely replace human connection, many people settle for casual relationships without genuine commitment. The consequence is that someone who once considered herself decent may gradually become caught in a cycle of short-term relationships. She moves from one relationship to another until she begins to worry about approaching the age of 40. In some cases, she tries to have a child with a man who has no intention of committing, leaving her to raise the child alone. That can become double trouble.

I know a seemingly decent and innocent young woman who has been romantically linked with four or five people within the same workplace. I am sure she never planned it. This is neither a crime nor a scandal, but we live in a highly judgmental society. Today, it has limited her chances of getting married. While everyone has the right to make their own choices, many people still consider a person's dating history when deciding whether to commit to a long-term relationship.

You cannot hate the players. You have to understand the system they have found themselves in. The way out may be to look beyond your immediate environment. A product that is not in demand in Ibadan may sell out in Abuja. Sometimes, it is simply a matter of location.

Perhaps the answer is to return to your roots. That former partner whom relocation separated you from may still be worth another conversation. The truth is that many Nigerians in the diaspora are highly valued by those back home, yet many people living abroad often overlook one another.

So, go on WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram or TikTok and reconnect with that person you left behind or overlooked when your visa was approved. Reply to that message. Send them a message. Like their posts. Comment on them. Start a conversation and hope for the best.

This is an approach that many people have quietly explored, and by many accounts, it has produced positive results. Does it guarantee a happy marriage? That is a completely different ball game.