Mitchell Smolkin
� Certified EFT Couples Therapist
� Podcaster (The Dignity of Suffering)
� Registered Psycho
30/11/2021
I wanted to do a series before the holidays where I look at how we deal with all the different challenges and opportunities of meeting with family and spending that time together. Important relationships, like family, can often provoke complications in our emotional and interpersonal lives. My goal was to debunk some of the superficial ways in which we might respond to these complications. So, I was very excited that I got to interview the wonderful Louise Wästlund, couples therapist and emotionally focused therapist, on this week’s podcast episode.
It was so refreshing talking to Louise, especially witnessing her ability to validate both partners and look at the relationship as a whole. We talked a lot about attachment panic, the reactions we have when we feel like something is wrong in our relationship, and the actions we take to repair this. Often, this can lead to misunderstanding because our partner will not recognize that we are scared. Rather, they will see us as getting defensive, either shutting down or getting angry, and this will mask the deeper desire to reduce the distress in our relationships. Coming back to a place where we can see the system, the various moving parts, in the same way, that a well-functioning democracy can hold opposing opinions, is the key to not reverting to simplistic responses in our lives.
Do tune in to our conversation this week, I believe that Louise has a lovely and helpful way of approaching these issues.
To listen to this week's episode, click on the link below
https://mitchellsmolkin.com/dos032/
On this week’s podcast, I want to talk about the stress that the holiday season can put on relationships. Often when we visit our family for a holiday or other event, we are very focused on everything going well. There are expectations for the event and expectations for our partner to have our backs and be a safe place for us. When things are important to us, our bodies go into high alert. What we often do not realize is that this state of high alert is one of the worst frames of mind to be in to receive comfort. It creates anxiety, anxiety creates protection, and protection creates a primal response where both sides tend to shut down and push each other away. That is why on these occasions, when we expect the most from our partner, often things don’t go well.
This is something that most people experience in one way or another and that is why I have decided to focus on the topic of relationships during the holidays over the next couple of weeks. I believe that by reflecting on our own responses to specific situations, we can work to better understand our reactivity and the ways that we sometimes shut others out. That can lead to quite an enriching experience, which I am very excited to share with all of you.
To listen to this week's episode, click on the link below
https://mitchellsmolkin.com/dos031/
On this week’s podcast episode, as well as the next two or three to come, I want to focus on the topic of shame. Shame can interrupt our ability to be integrated. It destroys the container that is trying to process and hold our selves. Shame means I am bad, which makes it very hard to have perspective on how we feel. In relationships, when someone is carrying a high degree of shame, it can make it very difficult for that person to receive kindness or care because they don’t feel like they deserve it. Because feelings of shame are something people tend to keep very hidden, it can be very hard to soften the negative picture people have of themselves. The more we feel that we have to hide sensitive and negative emotions, the more they can build up inside of us and wreak havoc on safe and productive relationships. It’s almost counter intuitive to take the risk to disclose these very painful feelings because so many people are ashamed of their shame.
So, we’ll build all these crusty layers of persona and civility around parts of us that actually really do need human contact. And one of the only ways to get human contact is to crack the door open and let somebody in. And one of the ways to do that is to directly talk and take a risk with somebody that you care about and try to name the things that don't normally see the light of day.
I am very excited about this new chapter and sincerely hope you will join me on it. I want to take the time to really convey to you particular aspects of what interests me in the field and to share my impressions and experiences day in and day out, being with people and really being inspired everyday by the courage they show.
To listen to this week's episode, click on the link below.
https://mitchellsmolkin.com/dos28/
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