In-Christ Reality

HOW TO INFLUENCE YOUR HUSBAND

Many wives wish that they can change their husbands for the better, but you cannot change a man, you can only influence him to the point that he desires change for himself. How?

1. Make sure the home is peaceful, not a place he wants to run away from. This will make him spend more time at home with you, giving you more room to influence him

2. Find out what is his vision and show him that you care about his vision. This way, he will tell you his biggest dreams that he is afraid to tell people because people don't believe in him

3. Appreciate him for the little he does and he will naturally find himself doing more for you so that he can be rewarded with more of your appreciation

4. Complain less. This will make him less defensive and more mouldable by you. If he starts to see you as a fault finder, he will pull away making you less influential

5. Make him proud. Do great things as an individual, have something uniquely yours that is worth admiring. Let him go out there and hear admirable things about you, let him look at you as an individual, a business woman, a career woman, a mother who is glowing. Men tend to yield to the influence of the woman they admire, not the woman who is a drag, stressful, negative and who has given up on life

6. Teach him how to do those things you wish he would do for you. If you wish that he be more courteous to you, that he would ask you how your day has been, that he would be more open and transparent; don't demand for it, show him by practicing it and he will warm up to it through your gentleness

7. Call out his greatness because your words mean alot to him. Speak life to him both when he is down and when things are going well. Tell him how great a future he has, how an amazing business man he is, how big a blessing he is; he will find himself living up to those words even if he falls short. Teachers and employers use this strategy to bring out the best in people. Truth is, most likely your husband is hanging around people who only see him in the here and now, you be the unique voice that speaks into his future

8. Correct him with love. Yes, there are times he will fall short, but the tone and approach you use while correcting him matters. If you come off harsh and as if you are attacking him, he will pull away; but when he sees that you are coming from a place of love and you mean well, he will allow you to be the iron that sharpens the iron that he is

9. Do not overreact or become overly sensitive and judgemental. Your husband is paying attention to how you react to topics and he will choose what to talk about with you based on your reaction. If he notices that you get edgy when he talks about an innocent female friend, his mother, finances or his past; he will keep off such topics. But when you are a secure wife, easy to talk to, he will tell you the intrigues in his life, he will tell you about his friends, the weirdest things that happened to him, what his mother is thinking, the troubles he has gotten into, the ex who tried to make contact him, the lady he gave a ride to in the car when it was raining.... All because you are easy to talk to. The more you know, the more you will influence him

10. Pray for him. Yes, team up with God to mould him. You are the one who knows your husband's strengths, weaknesses, temptations, traumas and struggles. Commit him to God in prayer

11. Praise him in public because a man feels more emboldened to be great when his woman highlights his goodness

12. Make him feel needed. Men long to feel useful. When a man is made to feel he adds no value and can be easily discarded, he feels worthless; but when you remind him of how much he means to you, when you ask him for help even when you can do it on your own, when you seek his advice, when you request him to sort out an issue in the house and make him feel like he has saved the day; he will lean more towards you and you will influence him

13. Notice his growth. As he makes incremental progress towards being a better man, spending more time with the children, taking care of you; show him that you see his effort and it will motivate him

14. Give him space and be patient. Don't police him, choke his time or want to micromanage him as if he is a little boy and you know better; he will only rebel. But when you allow him to find his personal pace and path to growth, when you allow him to miss you sometimes, to hear other viewpoints; soon, he will begin to see that the best is with you

15. Find out what he likes to talk about, this will be a great conversation starter. Men actually do love to talk, they are just picky with topics. What is his favourite topic? Music, history, business, cars, leadership, science? Show interest in his topics and he will light up talking with you about them and find himself talking with you about conversations you care about

16. Don't compare him with others, including with yourself. Don't say words such as "I feel like I am the man in this marriage", "Why can't you do the way I do things?", "Other husbands do better than you", "Why can't you be like Mwende's husband?"... You will lose your husband with this approach. You don't inspire a man by comparing him with others, but by speaking to the individual great man he can be

17. Don't take him for granted then start to do the right things when you have lost him. Don't mistreat him, ignore him, watch him walk astray and do nothing then desperately do all the right things when it all gets complicated

18. Give him counsel, not orders. Your advice should not be an order but a suggestion. Your delivery is important. When you suggest, he will ponder upon it and find himself paying attention to your counsel, thus influencing him

Many married men look back and see how much they have changed for the better through the love of the wife. That is how powerful and influential women are

© Dayan Masinde and Akello Oliech
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WHEN A WOMAN IS IN LOVE WITH A MAN

1. She lets him know and doesn't let him be the only one who expresses love

2. She praises him and speaks highly of him

3. She notices when he is living below his potential and encourages him that he can be better

4. She values making love to him. She might say "I love you" in the middle of or after love making to express how special it is to her

5. She covers him in public as she nurtures him to be a better man in private. The public looks with admiration at the man she has been working on and polishing and it makes her fulfilled

6. She gives him peace. She would never want to be the reason why he is stressed or worked up

7. She reviews herself, asking herself "Am I treating him well?" because men rarely say when they are offended and she is quick to apologise when she wrongs him

8. She organizes his life and takes care of him without him even asking

9. She speaks to him like the King that he is to her, with respect and gentleness

10. She doesn't do things that will make him feel threatened by another man. She makes him secure

11. She advances and grows herself because she wants him to look at her and say "You are blessed. I am proud of you!"

12. She is not the woman who is always asking "What can he do for me?" but rather the woman who asks "What can I do for him?"

13. She is patient with him. Appreciating his growth and effort

14. She avoids quarrels and arguments with him because she doesn't want his experiences with her to be draining

15. She values his advice and asks for it because she wants him to have a say in her life

16. She understands his journey and his pain and helps him to heal

17. She lovingly warns him when he is walking into danger. She looks out for him

18. She loves him in a manner that pleases the God who created him

© Akello Oliech and Dayan Masinde