Terry Real - Relational Life Institute

The first three words you spot are yours to keep.

Mine were joy, presence, and healing.

What are yours? Comment below.

Intimate relationships trigger our deepest wounds.

When that happens, it’s not your grounded, present Wise Adult who shows up. It’s your younger, reactive self: your Adaptive Child.

In the heat of the moment maybe you fight, shut down, or attempt to regulate your partner at your own expense.

Fight, flight, or fix.

None of these are mature responses. They are the reactions of your Adaptive Child.
When my wife Belinda and I go at it, she isn’t talking to the Wise Adult part of me. She’s talking to little Terry, who lived through violence and learned to fight to protect himself.

Belinda grew up in a violent household, too. So, in our marriage, it’s fight meets fight.

“Screw you!”, “No, screw you!”

The important thing is that you know how to get re-centered into your Wise Adult — because that’s the part of you who wants to make peace.

I’m a big supporter of taking a break. Sometimes that means counting to 10. Sometimes it means walking out of the room.

For Belinda and I, we usually take physical breaks for 15–20 minutes to breathe, recoup, and remember who we're talking to.

And once I’ve re-centered myself, I think about how I want to spend my time…
Do I want to spend the rest of the night arguing to prove that I’m right?

Or do I want to get through this tough moment, pour a drink, sit under the stars, and talk?

That’s my choice to make — and I choose to remember love.

Many of us didn't grow up with healthy self-esteem, myself included. For most of my life, I couldn't sit with myself without some form of distraction or self-medication.

The harshest voice in the room was always the one inside my own head.

But here’s what I learned: Your essential worth and dignity cannot be added to, and it cannot be taken away. You are enough, and you matter. Simply because you are here on this planet.

We must all learn to hold ourselves in warm regard as flawed human beings. As adults, this is the most beautiful gift we can give ourselves.

Send this to someone who needs a reminder.