The Morning Report

Today, on Thalamus Thursday! Yesterday two rabid dogs were seen terrorizing hikers at Strouds Run! The vicious animals ran at the innocent passersby and assaulted them with a voracious appetite for human flesh! After the victims fended off the rampaging monsters, who hungered after their limbs with an obscene frothing viciousness, the nature-lovers ran for their lives, barely escaping the colossal beasts as they peeled out of the highway at the highest possible speed! One claimed "it was like the dogs of hell, sent by Satan himself to torment the living! Fortunately, we got a picture of it, so please, if you see either of these monsters, kill them!" Were these two clearly dangerous animals truly sent by the powers of Hell, or were they made by a Frankenstein-esque government experiment gone horribly wrong? You decide!

Today, on Nutrition Noon! The innocent coconut has become something of a forgotten hero among food groups! It used to be that everyone lusted after a coconut's hard exterior and soft interior, with delectable juices and different yet wonderful flesh! But in the last few decades, the coconut has dropped in popularity due to its notorious difficultly as it pertains to consumption. But we wanted to remind you of the health benefits of the coconut! It can stave off obesity, has high dietary fiber, reduces sweet cravings! Remember the humble coconut when next you visit the grocery store and make the right purchase!