The Intimacy Weaver

Upcoming audio session on the Diem app covering deep listening skills and getting to the root of what people are really trying to express. (a.k.a. How to /See/ People!)

Diem | Session | How to /See/ People So often we hear *the words* of someone's complaint, request, or remark, but we don't get to the underlying feeling or need they're expressing. Join in to discuss how to hear people on a deeper level and give the gift of feeling seen, even to those who aren't clearly or vulnerably expressing themsel...

Is it a moment in the sunshine? Some time to yourself? Some time with friends? Is it quiet and peaceful? Loud and energetic? Is it a taste, a smell, a felt sensation? Does it happen by surprise? Do you plan for it?

I'm asking about nourishment.

Learning more about what nourishes you is a step to getting more of what you need, even when it can only be found in small doses. Sometimes it's something you can ask of others, and sometimes it's something you give yourself. Stay curious and take note of what feels nourishing. Notice what circumstances it arises under and what it feels like in your body. Notice if there's any resistance to asking for it or to taking it in.

We all have different needs, responses, and potentially inner blocks to nourishment. What have you noticed about yours?

Imagining yourself, as you are, in a situation someone else was in is not true empathy. Empathy is imagining yourself *as that other person* in that situation. That means imagining what it would be like for that thing to happen to you considering all the past lived experiences that could've brought this person to react the way they did.
Rather than, "I wouldn't have been scared by a dog quickly approaching me," it's, "I understand why someone would be scared by a dog quickly approaching them, considering they were attacked by a dog in the past."

If you don't know their past lived experiences and can't imagine why on earth they reacted the way they did, then it means bringing curiosity rather than dismissiveness.
Rather than, "That makes no sense. I wouldn't have interpreted Jim's comment as aggressive," it's, "I wonder what could've lead to someone interpreting Jim's comment as aggressive."

Whether you can imagine reasons why or not, believe the person in front of you that they felt threatened, and if you're struggling to empathize, imagine a time *you* felt threatened and lead from that place.

We all have had a unique combination of countless experiences in our lives that have collectively lead to the lens we now see the world through. If someone is reactive to something that wouldn't bother you, remind yourself that you also sometimes have strong reactions to different things that others wouldn't be bothered by. It's not a measure of you being more reasonable; it just doesn't happen to be one of your personal triggers.

Empathy starts with understanding this and extending compassion and curiosity to the mysterious and unique person in front of you.