Sage Float Spa

Two years without Ryan today, 3/31.

I wish someone would’ve told me how horrible it would be so I could’ve been prepared. If you told me two years later I would feel WORSE...No way!

Before he died, his mom told me that without him, she’d never be happy again another day in her life. I didn’t think that would happen to me. But let me tell you, I can’t say I’ve experienced much happiness the last two years.

What you realize is not only do they die, but you die too. The old version of yourself who was unaware of this nightmare is gone & what you’re left with is a shell of who you used to be. We all know how impermanent life is, but once you’ve seen it like this, you can’t unsee it. So then you end up crying not only because you lost them, but because you lost yourself.

I try not to let my mind go back to the sequence of events that led to his death. Maybe everything happened exactly as it was supposed to. That doesn’t make it easier or less painful, & it certainly doesn’t stop me from wishing things were different.

He died. And then life kept going, even though mine didn’t. That’s really what it’s like.

This whole experience has taken me into the deepest, darkest hole that makes life seem insignificant in so many ways. When I found out I had cancer & had to get a nephrectomy, everyone kept telling me how good my attitude was & how well I was taking it all. Well, that’s because having cancer isn’t the worst thing that’s happened to me. Turns out there’s much worse.

So as I cross into year three, it’s different than I thought it would be. It’s just as awful as the beginning, but now I truly realize how long forever is.

People say time fixes grief. It has not for me. Not yet. Instead of feeling better because time is passing, it gets further & further away from when he was alive. I know the expectation is that I should have moved on, that I should be better by now. Well, I have not moved on and I dont feel better & I don’t know when I will.

I still think about the things that could’ve been & all the choices we didn’t get to make. So Ryan, wherever you are, I miss you so much! Two years hasn’t changed a thing between us.

Today is International Overdose Awareness Day. Today matters to me because overdose & addiction have deeply affected my life & changed me forever & I’m not even an addict!

It also happens to be 1.5 years since Ryan died of a fentanyl overdose.

This day exists to raise awareness about the impact of overdose, to remember those lost to overdose, & to reduce the stigma around drug-related deaths.

I heard the following at a group for families of addicts, & it’s something I’ve thought about often since: the addict makes one mistake, the decision to use. After that, their ability to make decisions is gone.

Some think that people who die from drugs deserve it because they couldn’t stop, but the reality is it isn’t about trying harder. No one would tell the family of someone with cancer that if they had just tried harder they could have survived. Some people recover & some don’t, & nobody knows why.

Many have commented that his death must have been expected since drugs were involved, that I should have been prepared somehow, or that he deserved it because using drugs was his choice.

I understand that logic in some circumstances, but not everyone who struggles with addiction looks like the stereotype. Like Ryan, many high functioning addicts create the illusion that everything is fine. They seem healthy & stable, with jobs & money. When those people overdose, it’s shocking because you weren’t prepared.

It never occurred to me that Ryan would die from an overdose. After dating him since 2017 & living with him since 2021, I didn’t know he had ever used opiates. We don’t know when/why he started, and we likely never will.

Having someone die because of a disease society says they could have controlled and that is self-inflicted, is confusing. It adds a complicated layer to grief & processing.

So, on International Overdose Awareness Day, I share this to remember Ryan & remind us that overdose is a public health crisis that deserves awareness. It can happen to anyone because addiction is a disease that does not discriminate.

For anyone living with this, & that number of people is huge, whether your addict is alive or gone, I see you. & I feel your pain. Pic:

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