Kick Kass Body

Took some time to move my body today. It wasn’t a lot and it won’t happen everyday, but it was something I wanted to do. I’m starting off 2020 by being more cognizant of my intentions. I’m finding that in the past I was hiding my disordered relationship with food and my body behind the guise of health and wellness. My body and mind are still healing in many ways and I’m still learning to spot the differences in the choices I make and why I make them. Realizing the balance between eating whatever I want because of years of restricted and disordered eating is different than eating to nourish my body and give it what it needs. Moving my body when and how I want to because it makes me feel good vs working out to look a certain way. It’s hard to see and know the difference sometimes and even harder to let go of that old mindset. This isn’t a resolution for the new year, this is something I’ve been working on and will need to continue to work on for a long time. Know the difference. Realize your intentions. Heal.

🔹CURRENTLY: enjoying my present body🔹As I got dressed today, I tried on countless outfits trying to find the perfect thing to hide all the things I want to hide these days: my wider hips, my less toned arms, my softer middle. I settled on this particular outfit even though it exposed my arms because in that moment I felt content in my body. Fast forward to walking past my reflection in the window and the alarm in the back of my head goes off telling me “Hey! Whoa! What’s going on here? Cover up those arms - you haven’t been working out and it shows!” The duality that exists in my mind between accepting the strength in my body for what it’s been through this past year and then at the same time tearing it down for not being where I was a year ago has been quite the battle. Learning to catch myself when the negative thoughts come out and not letting them run away with me is hard. I know that it’s going to be an adjustment, a cognitive and verbal shift in how I talk about myself in my head and out loud. I need to be better about living in my body in its present state and not how it was in the past or how it could be in the future. So I’ve decided that TODAY I like the outfit that I chose, I actually did my hair, I put on makeup and in this moment I am content in this body.