Lift After Drag

Open the Hangar Doors

Show of hands, who is uncomfortable talking about grief and loss? Yeah that’s right, I write with a smile. Every time this topic comes up, people get squirmy and nervous like the words themselves are contagious. It doesn’t have to be that way. Every single one of us is going to lose someone or something precious to us, if not already. It’s well past time the dialog opens up and mourning becomes not only acceptable but cherished so we can help each other.

I always marvel at how we spend weeks studying and preparing for checkrides, yet there’s NO manual, flows, flash cards, paper panels, or knowledge banks for when we lose something. We rely on tribal knowledge, word of mouth, and isolated endurance to learn coping, resilience, acceptance, and peace. Did you notice the first letters of those four words spell crap? Sometimes that means we think a certain word in that group IS crap. For instance, acceptance is probably the most elusive of all those words and I thought it was garbage until I finally experienced it myself. We go through these words when crap happens. And people give us crap when they get all judgy about where they think we should be in the process of it all. So, it’s all CRAP.

Ask anyone old enough to remember 9/11 where they were that day and you’d get detailed vivid recalls of it. Ask anyone today where they were upon learning about the pandemic and I’ll venture to say no one even has a date range. This crisis came on like the proverbial frog boiling in a kettle, yet we have no idea how hot it’s going to get and can’t jump out of the kettle. The sudden snap of 9/11 had all of us talking, sharing, consoling, and we could do all that in groups greater than 10 and less than six feet apart. Ironically, social media and it’s much hated characteristic of fostering falsehoods, anger, bullying, etc. has become the medium of closeness we hang onto for dear life. I have to say I’ve enjoyed it not only because people are really bringing the funny, but also because my aunt allowed me to say goodbye to my dear matriarchal grandma one last time before she passed two hours later. This is hard, no doubt about it. I know a pang of sadness went through you when reading it and that’s exactly why I share it with you now.

Some of you may have already or may soon lose the position you worked so hard to get to. I might soon join you. We will be okay, I promise. In the thick of grief, it’s never ending and so painful you don’t think you’ll survive, or don’t want to. I promise with the right coping ingredients, endurance, and acceptance when able, you’ll see the lasting peace at some point. And don’t take crap about the process from anyone. Hang on for the Gs everyone and check 6 for each other.

Posted with permission from another US Air Force officer. Being the leader who manages loss in a unit or organization is challenging. This officer had some helpful advice and thoughts to share:

Leading through loss

(With permission from the amazing widow who is on this site)

We talk a great deal about losing military members and have checklists and helping agencies that will guide us and our unit through it.

During command training, most have what we horribly call - death day- where they talk through the functionality and what to expect procedurally and usually bring in a commander and first sgt who have unfortunately experienced this firsthand.

This does not prepare you for it.

It warns you but nothing prepares you for the face of a widow...finding words for a grieving mother and father...sibling...friends...Air Force family.

Nothing prepares you for “we would like some snacks” okay...what do you buy? What comfort food is that comforting?!? I chose all the chips and ice cream and beef jerkey and cookies...and then felt bad and also got apples and carrots with ranch...and water.

I offered booze....tissues...body wash (because they were staying elsewhere) and more tissues...like the good ones...with lotion.

As you are working to help...who helps you -the leader - deal with the gaping hole in your ranks?

When is the right time to requisition a new person? Who helps you not feel like slime for doing that? (First Sgt really helped me with this)

I can tell you from experience...sadly...a few things that I hope will help other leaders through this time:

1. You need to take a minute before you brief others. To me, the repeating of the information to the varied levels of the leadership chain was like death by a thousand cuts. Leadership has to be informed but the repeating of it sucked. Find an ally to help get the info where it needs to go and take a second to calm yourself because this is about to get hard on everyone.

2. See the family and be yourself. My first sgt and I visited the family and the one piece of feedback I got was they loved that I was...me. I extended my condolences and proceeded to ask questions and speak to the spouse as me. No tiptoeing...respectful and sad - but was myself

3. Lean on support teams for your unit and for you. You need to talk someone...do it. Even if it is just to make sure the things you say are inline with what your people need. Our leadership team here has been AWESOME...from the chapel to the FSS...heck my Security Force brothers and sisters have been awesome...one stopped me at the gate and said “we are all so sorry for the loss in your unit”

4. Cry. If you need to cry do it.

5. Cry again if you need it.

6. Talk to your peeps. Really talk to them. Just because they may not have known the person does not mean they are not thinking of a past hurt or others they may have known.

7. Think of the webs. One person passed here and I am being contacted by two wings, random units that people moved too, Friends of the person in PME....it’s amazing the webs we form in the service and how they interconnect.

8. Did I mention to take time to grieve for yourself

9. If you are the person to speak at the memorial...speak. If you need to cry...cry and make it through. I think our peeps really need to see we love them and care about them and look how it impacts all of us personally that you are not here.

10. This is a process and will take time. That is okay. Some people will be fine. That is okay. Check on them all...love on the family...and be the leader you were the day before.

We are an Air Force family...we will stand stronger...
I hope this is never needed by folks...but for those that do...here are my thoughts