Tammar Merin, LMFT

When was the last time you had a fight with your partner? In fact, what types of interactions do you see as a fight? There are couples who would refer to every disagreement as fight and others for whom only yelling, harsh word flying and slamming doors would be considered a fight. As a matter of fact, there are three types of interactions that reflect negative tension: a disagreement, an argument and a fight. So how can we increase our chances to remain at the disagreement level and don’t let things escalate to an argument and then to a fight?
There are many ways to accomplish that goal and I’m going to mention several of those:
1. Preventative plan: talk about fighting when there is no fight. We will try to agree on how to handle disagreements.
2. Stop before you go: slow down for a moment and check with yourself what is your goal for the upcoming interaction. If your answer is to hurt your partner you should probably take a step back since there are low chances for something good to come out of it.
3. Nobody is perfect: remember neither of you is either “good” or “bad”. Both of you are both good and bad. Remember there is a chance that you are wrong but just can’t see how.
4. Soft startup: try to start with a positive statement. That will increase your chances to be heard (“It is good to have you home and I wish you were here earlier so we/I could...).
5. “I” or “you” makes all the difference: use more “I” statements (talk about your experience) then “you” statements (which are usually carry an accusatory message).
6. The Tower of Babel: make sure you speak the same language, discuss the same issue, and not bringing past issues into the interaction.
7. Time out: when we feel extremely angry, emotional and hurt, it might be better to stop than to let things spiral out of control and say words that would scar our partner. It is better to take a time out and to come back to the issue at hand in a later time after we feel more calm.
8. Mirror mirror on the wall: although your partner is in front of you, look not only at them but also monitor yourself. Remember again you might have some blind spots your partner can help you see.
9. It is OK to say I’m sorry!

When a couple experience one or more of these signs, they should consider couples therapy:
Their communication is mostly negative.
They feel distant from their spouse.
They can't cooperate or agree most of the time.
They are not physically close and don't have s*x.
They have thoughts about separating or having an affair.
They go through periods of not communicating with each other.
They used to be happy together and are not anymore.
They feel they can't resolve their issues on their own.
They believe Their children suffer as a result of their relationship.
They don't enjoy your time together.