Thflwrgrl

No written words to describe
What silence feels like now
I still try

Karmic wistful thinking
A dark cloud of failure
Sad s**t
I devolve in a memory
Then I wake up
At peace.
It's quiet and I hated it before
Yet I craved it before that
Sun shines through
I can feel myself think
Bad thoughts
Then other thoughts
Watching leaves dance outside my window
I can feel myself
And unfortunately
I exist again

**
I wrote this a year ago and it still holds true.
In January I started taking antidepressants which I believe saved my life. They also completely blanked out my brain. In a very useful way but it had side effects that created a cycle I couldn’t appreciate. Gaining weight and losing desire for the most part. I had my heart broken and I knew I was at a loss. I still was able to sit with it. I’ve since switched to a new medication and it allows in so much more feeling again. It aches and swells deep in my chest and stomach. I have help now but to have spent my entire life swimming in my emotions it makes me feel guilty. I was in a constant state of drowning. While it wasn’t something I knew how to fix - I was comfortable living in it. Both feeling like dying and still living. Smiling and making jokes but also wishing I didn’t exist. It’s so harsh and I believe I’ve punished myself for a long time for not doing well enough. It made me love hard and jump at any moment of joy. It made me spend days in silence crying myself to sleep. The only escape was sleep and it still is to this day. I get things right in my dreams and I wake up hopeful. These pill saved me but I know deep down it was me. I don’t give myself credit but I did it myself.

Men really go out of their way to make sure a women feels like they are too much or aggressive when most likely they are just being direct or straight forward. Why do I have to use a million exclamation points just to make you feel comfortable? Did you think I was soft or maybe submissive? Did you think I should be quiet?

Truth is... I’m never gonna say the right thing in the right way. I gave up trying to serve everyone (even women) especially after this past year.. I think I’ll be myself and let my heart and ethics continue to guide me. Go ahead and throw your fits over how you think I should act. I’m just not the one and I’m not gonna pretend to be.

Building a ladder of love to you
And I hope that love you build one too...❤️

Everything is changing and I hope for the better.

Happy birthday Hale. You inspire me with your boldness, drive and consistent kind nature. I’m a bit far to give you some flowers so I blended them into these shots of ours ❤️