To Elle & Back

Here is the first half of my LIVE today, technology made things a bit messy today!

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What I've learned on my journey to sobriety was that without self-worth I was never going to stop abusing myself. Without standing up to myself and other people abusing me and/or contributing to my self-abuse I was never going to regain my worth.

My self-worth came back to me bit-by-bit in every action I made that validated that I was worthy, and of being mindful of the sneaky and subtle actions, behaviors, and words that diminished my worth and choosing differently. It was an extremely hard and complex process and came with A LOT of grief and pain and loss.

But as hard as that was, the pain of feeling worthless and unlovable; the pain of the daily struggle to survive another day feeling I was fatally flawed, was the worst pain I've ever endured... it was constant, heavy, unrelenting... and it was unbearable at times; slowly killing myself with substances in exchange for temporary relief from who I believed myself to be.

Self-worth and confidence can be stripped from us from other people but NO ONE can give it back to us.

It comes back to us from how we treat ourselves and how we let others treat us. The practice of awareness, loving-kindness and compassion. And also the understanding of what that actually means, and how to really put it into practice. It comes with hard truths, learning to accept things we don't want to accept, and allowing ourselves to feel and process our emotions. It's learning to let go and surrender spiritually, and learning to trust ourselves and to have faith.

It's complex.
It takes time.
It takes courage.
It takes faith.
It takes love.
It takes patience,
and gentleness.
And it takes honesty.

And it unfolds when you are ready, so long as you continue to seek within and ask for guidance when you need it, you will find your way.

I'm grateful for all the people who have been my guides whether they were people in my life, strangers, or books/music.

I kept asking and learning and listening and applying and practicing... and failing, and hurting, and losing hope, and taking breaks and then trying again. I did get scared that I would never find my way out as I had tried so many things and thought they hadn't worked, but I was failing to see that parts of me WERE healing but the process of healing comes with also having to process the new pains from the necessary changes brought forth as a result of your healing. And when that happened, I doubled down and got myself even more support.

Recognizing the truth finally set me free.

I have finally become a person who sees herself as worthy and lovable and valuable, my body is now my temple, where I house the most beautiful spirit that is ME.

I'm excited to finally be in a place to step more fully into my gifts and draw from my experiences to be a helpful guide to others on their journey to true authentic expression and wholeness.

But what if they are the problem?

It’s not a matter of right and wrong; who has better behavior and who needs to be to one who changes. Because you can only control how YOU show up.

It’s about finding a way to connect and communicate with someone where they are at. Sometimes all it takes is changing your tone, or stating your intentions, or asking for what you need before you dig into a hard conversation.

When you change your patterns it automatically causes a shift in how others respond to you.

Ask yourself: Do I want to be right or do I want peace?

Next level perspective.

To love everyone is to be in a place of non-judgement. When you couple that with telling the truth, you can remain in that place.

You may mistake your opinion for truth, but that is you attaching judgement to what is.

Truth is, there is no right and wrong, there just is. When you embrace this truth, loving everyone becomes easier.

Love in this example is a choice in how you feel towards and the light in which you see others. To not judge, is to love. It doesn’t mean to not have boundaries. You can love others without interacting with them.