Chrysalis Counseling

Nope.

Do you know any? We don't.

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We are a culture of suppressed trauma, and repressed emotions. Many of us walk our lives with untreated, undiagnosed PTSD. The past is the past, until we get triggered. Until each of us decides to finish unfinished business, we will continue to react out of unconscious patterns, and model that behavior for others.

Each of us will realize that though we may have settled, we need not continue to do so. We can release what we have been holding, and embrace what we have been avoiding. As a counselor, it is my job to remind people of that which we all tend to forget: that there is perfection within us, that we are not our thoughts, that there is no such thing as a mistake, and that we can take a breath and let go.

Slowing Down

Arg! Yet another RV driving slowly in the fast lane. I am late for my session, and I feel the adrenaline dump into my bloodstream, activating my fight or flight response. I feel panic, and fear, and anger. I've gotta get there! What is wrong with these people?
I have noticed a recent increase in traffic in Durango and its environs, especially in the summer. Curious tourists, tractor trailers, dump trucks, Winnebagos, and the inevitable and unending road construction can lead to poor driving, frustration, and even road rage. People change lanes abruptly to gain a few car-lengths; they floor the gas pedal in order to arrive a few second earlier. A “gotta get there” mentality takes over, with the attendant accidents, fatalities, and rise in insurance rates.

Several years ago, researchers conducted a study comparing American and Italian drivers. Both groups tend to drive fast, but the reasons for speeding were different. American drivers speed to get to their destination; Italian drivers go fast because they like going fast. To their surprise, the researchers found the accident rate for Americans was twice as high, along with the related injuries and deaths. When we consider the power of being present, however, this makes perfect sense.

When I speed to get there, wherever "there" is, I am not being present. I am existing in the future, already at my office, explaining to my client about the RV driver who is responsible for my tardiness. My world has contracted, along with my perception. I am not as aware of the traffic around me, unable to respond as quickly, and thus more prone to mishap. It is like driving while looking through a telephoto lens, difficult and dangerous.
On the other hand, Italian drivers are more focussed, present, and able to respond to changing traffic conditions more easily. The joy of driving fast gives them an edge over their American counterparts. The power and the possibility of being in the present moment helps to see them safely home.

I am aware that this mentality of "gotta get there" can become my norm, a practice that can snap in each time I buckle up. This can result not only in pressured driving, but a lack of peace when I finally reach my destination. I arrive irritable and grumpy, and it usually takes me some time to regain my calm.

These days, I give myself the gift of slowing down, both literally and metaphorically. I try to leave ten minutes early, thus buying myself space and time. At red lights, instead of fuming, I practice looking for something I've never seen before. I try to see and acknowledge other humans in their hurtling boxes of metal and glass, recognizing that they are just like me. My goal is to arrive at my destination with calmness and ease, breathing in and out.
Sometimes, I even drive the speed limit, but I make sure I am in the slow lane, letting other drivers, intent on their destinations, pass quickly by.

Criticism Versus Feedback

John and I are cooking dinner at his house. His five year-old daughter Sophia reaches up toward the handle of a boiling pot. “NO!” he yells. She jerks her hand back and starts to cry. He gathers her up and reassures her. He tells her she is not bad, but her behavior was dangerous. She understands, and soon returns to play.

For many of us, this two-letter word is the first feedback we receive. This word shields us from danger and enhances our survival rate. It helps us learn appropriate action and strengthens our boundaries. It is a sign of love and concern. We all rely on feedback to change. It is one of the most transformative forces in our lives. As adults, some of the most effective feedback comes from interpersonal relationships. People cannot have a
conversation without feedback of some kind being exchanged. Helping each other evolve is one of the main purposes of relationship.

However, many of us are hard-wired to hear criticism whenever someone points out our behavior. It is important to learn to recognize the difference between feedback and criticism, both when giving and receiving. Criticism says, "There is something wrong with you; you're bad." Feedback says, "I wonder if you would be willing to take a look at your behavior." The former is about the person; the latter about his actions. Criticism breaks people down; feedback builds them up. Communication stops as soon as
criticism is perceived. Imagine two people interacting. Visualize them as two castles facing each other. When communication occurs, the horsemen are free to ride back and forth across the lowered drawbridges. When criticism is perceived, one or both drawbridges lift, and the horsemen have nowhere to go. Criticism is optional.

Feedback, however, is a necessary and helpful part of life. We are constantly receiving feedback with every step. How open are we to altering our behavior? Like any communication, feedback requires a transmitter and a receiver. The key to giving skillful feedback is asking permission first. Nobody appreciates unsolicited coaching. To ensure the feedback is received, I first ask, "Would you be open to some feedback right now?" Or, "I wonder if I could share a suggestion with you. Would that be okay?" Asking paves the way for the feedback to be received, and increases the likelihood of its making a difference in behavior. Feedback must also be given with a feeling of love and support. It is about making a stand for your listener to be the best person he or she can be.
Both giving and receiving feedback takes courage. Many of us are allergic to being wrong, or looking bad. Conscious awareness invites us to be flexible and open to change even if it is scary.

If each of us were more skillful in giving feedback, how might we empower others to grow into who they are? If more of us were open to feedback, what might we become?