Strongs 214

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,

I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:13-14

I ask myself-Would you really if all were made right, apologies made, amends happen - would I really want Kris in my life?

Nope.

He is behaves like an arrogant ass, often bullying and belittling others. He simply does not behave like a safe person or one of the good guys. He acts like a narcissist who only keeps people around him who flatters him, strokes his ego and stokes the fire of his own self importance.

I don’t think Kris is able to altruistically invest in anyone or anything that isn’t ultimately about himself or making him appear to be better than he really is.

Would I really want Mark in my life?
Nope.

I feel I would never be enough. Never educated enough. Never possessing the right look. Never possessing the right clothes. Never seeming to be wealthy enough. I would always feel like the only way I could have Mark in my world would be if I actively and intentionally subjugated myself to where I would have to always make sure Mark was on a pedestal slightly more than me in every way less I encounter Mark’s wit being used to condemn me and find fault with me. For him to absolutely nitpick every flaw not for the sake of making me better but so Mark buys into the belief and posturing that he is the smartest guy in the room.

Both of these men are exhausting to me.
I am weary of what I encounter with them spiritually and then I realize that I can starve the connection.

Ignore their stupidity and unchecked arrogance and inflated egos.

Walk away.

Spend time with people who invest and don’t constantly have to tell others what they are doing.

Focus on the quiet people who have a remarkable peace that floods my soul with good thoughts.

Focus on those godly people.

Life is too short to let pauper kings and punks to have any space or place in my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, what influences me, who mentors me, and who I want to do life with.

I simply would be embarrassed by Kris & Mark and how they treat people and I can choose to physically not give them any smidge of bandwidth in my life. Not a minute. Not a second.

Done and more done. Over and keep being over.

Walk away from the toxic of all toxic people and be absolutely grateful that they showed you exactly who they were and the limits of what they not capable or comfortable being.

They are not the good guys.

They are simply arrogant older men than God used to teach you the lesson of who and what you do not want and definitely what I do not need.

Let go and get on with your life leaving Kris & Mark to the hell of their own making understanding that whatever part I might have had in their redemptive story is in the past.

They are not my future and I have no business letting them in any way have a part in my present.

There are moments where I wonder if I will ever feel rested again, relaxed again, at peace again, not wondering what the hell happened to me and why no one wants to talk about anything I experienced.

It bothers me how little is respected.

There simply isn’t any money to be made or prestige to be had in the absolutely difficult conversations that need to happen.

I feel such grief and sorrow and loss that literally I may live my life and never have answers or resolution with Mark & Kris.

Why, God?

No matter how much I heal, there will never be a satisfactory answer or reason for the dozens of Charismatic leaders who let me be abused by one of our own and who chose to say nothing.

They chose him over me.

So I chose none of them.