Cross Trained Marriage

Awesome post for the wives from our friend Shelia Qualls

YOU'RE NOT THE ENEMY

Dear Sheila,
You’re fat. Lose weight.
Love, A Friend

Well, I’m paraphrasing, but that was the GIST of it. I stared at the letter in disbelief as the TEARS started the trek down my hot cheeks.

It had arrived in the MAIL from an anonymous friend who’d said she’d noticed I’d put on some WEIGHT and suggested I LOSE a few.

“Anonymous” obviously KNEW me. Within the last year, I’d had a baby, my fourth child, and I still couldn’t ZIP my pre-baby jeans.

The note confirmed what I already BELIEVED about myself but didn’t want to SAY out loud. I’m fat. I wore the fat on the outside. Everyone could SEE it.

The note spoke to the FEELING I wore on the inside, where no one could see it: I’m not ENOUGH.

That feeling of “I’m NOT enough” affected every aspect of my life, especially my MARRIAGE.

How does “I’m not enough” AFFECT marriage?

Because every WORD spoken to you runs through that filter. Every argument, every compliment, EVERY complaint, every sigh, every look–everything– is INFECTED by the feeling of “I’m not enough.”

AND those feelings INVADE your marriage and POISON your relationship with your HUSBAND.

Well, the “friend” turned out to be a WEIGHT loss company.

The letter? Part of an AD campaign. The company had sent out “anonymous” hand-written NOTES from “friends” with an ad for a weight loss PRODUCT attached.

The SUCCESS of the campaign depended on me–and people like me–feeling BAD about myself and wanting a CHANGE.

The note had hit its MARK.

After reading it, right on cue, the INSECURITIES thinly concealed by a thick layer of skin came CRAWLING to the SURFACE.

I made a plan. I’d GO to the gym five times a week (two times a day). I’d restrict my DIET to 1,000 calories. No sugar, no white flour. I’d only drink WATER. And my marriage would be BETTER, my house cleaner, my laundry folded, and my dinner COOKED–every night. It’s amazing what SHEDDING a few pounds could do. It’d give me a sense of worthiness, CHANGE my life.

It’s been YEARS since that day in my kitchen, but I still remember that DESPERATE, girl with 14 pounds of left-over baby weight, who never felt like she MEASURED up.

I eventually LOST the weight, but the girl still lived inside me. The number on the SCALE was the only thing that changed. My RELATIONSHIP with my husband wasn’t better; my house wasn’t CLEANER. My laundry wasn’t folded, and the PIZZA guy still rang my bell a few nights a week.

I was still plagued by DOUBT, rejection, and fear. And they still AFFECTED my marriage. I was still plagued by a lack of SELF-WORTH the letter had initially TAPPED in to. I was still frustrated by trying to live up to other’s expectations.

And, I was still RIDDLED with envy and self-loathing when I compared myself to other women-- other wives --who never SEEMED to struggle with laundry, cooking, weight . . . or CONFIDENCE.

Why did everyone seem to be able to DO it so much easier than ME?

I WISH I could’ve told that girl in my kitchen that day all she suspected was true. Her HOUSE would never be clean enough, her laundry would never be FOLDED, and she should BUY stock in the pizza company.

But that doesn’t mean she’s not ENOUGH.

She was her own WORST enemy. I would've told her she's not the ENEMY.

I would’ve told her when she IMAGINED other families sitting DOWN to a home-cooked, Pinterest-worthy meal as the pizza boy rang her DOORBELL for the third time that week, to remember Romans 8:1, “Therefore there is now NO CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus (NIV)” and know she’s WORTHY.

I’d REMIND her–when she’s tempted to feel bad about herself when she logs on to FACEBOOK and reads someone’s endearing LOVE letter to their spouse on their anniversary or when she sees someone whose KID was inducted into National HONOR Society when her own kids struggle in school– to stop and REMEMBER she’s not striving to meet someone else’s STANDARD.

My CHALLENGE is to embrace the standard of the God who made me. And STRIVE to live His way. To strive to have the kind of MARRIAGE He wants me to have.

I’d tell her to have FAITH to dance in the ashes instead of being defeated by jealousy.

I’ll never measure up in my own EYES, so I have to evaluate myself through the eyes of CHRIST.

Through His lens, my IMPERFECTIONS make me who I am.

And that will always be enough. And 14 EXTRA pounds of baby FAT, or unfolded laundry or fast food meals will never CHANGE that.

There is some great discussion going on over at Better Together-Wife for Life check it out.

"Forgiveness doesn't mean it didn't hurt, it just means we won't continue to let it hurt us."~Tracy Wainwright