Schaeftime Continuum

He's got his heroes crossed.

Via TextsFromSuperheroes.com

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On May 5 2026 an 18 year old Maui resident named Kaylee Schnitzer filmed a tourist picking up a coconut sized rock and hurling it directly at the head of an endangered Hawaiian monk seal named Lani on Front Street in Lahaina. Lani has been a fixture on that beach for over 20 years.

When bystanders confronted the man he said "I don't care. I'm rich. Fine me with whatever you want."

The video went viral within hours. The internet identified him before the day was out. His logistics company pulled down all its social media as his personal information spread across every platform.

Then a second video emerged showing what appeared to be the man getting beaten by locals. Maui police had no record of any assault report. The mayor effectively endorsed it, saying he wanted to thank everyone who stepped in.

A Hawaii state senator named Brenton Awa then walked to the floor of the state capitol, smirked and announced that the local who delivered the beating would receive an official letter of recommendation. His attorney stood beside him and said they did not condone violence. Awa then called on all airlines flying into Hawaii to play footage of the beating as a warning to tourists before landing. That video has 1.5 million likes.

Federal Senator Brian Schatz wrote a formal letter to NOAA demanding stronger enforcement and education for visitors.

The man faces fines of up to $50,000 and criminal charges carrying up to five years in prison under state law. He has not been charged yet.

Lani has been spotted in the area since. She appears to be fine.