The healing project Merced

Since this little break in our gatherings… I have learned the importance of deep reflection and pure understanding. It’s always been part of the curriculum…but like most things it takes time to stick.

Dis ease is a state of mind.

For example: I worked in a toxic environment for years and I would get “sick” a lot. I had this idea that if I wasn’t working then I was purpose-less. The stress was so bad that I would hurt myself, pains, flu/colds that would last way too long and exhaustion was daily. I developed the worst anxiety and depression. One day I started to bleed and the pain was excruciating (worse then labor) and I thought I would die as a young working class mom on our couch. There were bandaids perscribed that lead to Su*****L ideation. I felt like I was a real problem and needed to be silenced and so did everyone else. Birth control & paxil was supposed to be my saving grace, it just made everything worse! I ended up getting a full hysterectomy at just 38 years old. It was the best thing bc I didn’t have to go to work for 8 weeks, I took the extreme amount of time off. While I do not regret the hysterectomy, I do trust that it happened bc i wanted it to happen to get away from the toxic daily grind.

For years after i would say I wish I could work. My partner started to make enough that i could stay home.

I continued to try to work in new toxic environments, it was me working for women that treated me like trash, i got yelled at by women who were peers, more then my mom yelled at me. And I realized I was creating it over and over again! I needed to heal whatever this was within me attracting this to me.

The last few months I have learned this: I love being home, cleaning, cooking taking care of myself and my family. All my outside jobs consisted of cooking & cleaning another persons home or school. I would come home exhausted bc i was meant to cook and clean again!

I also plainly had to admit to my partner that I do not want to work outside the home I have no desire!

Long story short: I do not have to be injured, sick or tired to choose what I have chosen. I don’t have to say “I would work but…”

The truth is i dont want to work, i want to serve my community. And this changed everything. Clearing the path towards a new life. A new me.

Seeing how we lie to ourselves and those who love us, and the lie basically crushes us into sick depressed and anxious beings.

And we continue to wonder why.

Taking responsibility for what we are choosing is a great place to start and practicing spiritual hygiene.

What lies are you repeating?

Let’s begin a new day!

❤️