Brooklyn Volcano Insurance

Hello loyal customers! After some negotiations with the Department of Education in New York City, we have decided that there should be more volcano safety precautions due to increased levels of volcano activity and creatures known as politicians ( a newly discovered species of volcanoes) in your area. Therefore, you should be expecting more volcano safety precautions within the next few months under the alias of "Fire Drills" because we need to avoid mass fear and hysteria of volcanoes running across the city to steal your wallet. Thank you all for your cooperation!

Good morning once again to our great Brooklynese men, women, and children. For the past few days, as you have seen, there are so many clouds in the sky. What does this mean? It means there is a volcano coming this way, running across the Atlanic, maybe from Canada, yes and it is traveling on foot and running towards us RAPIDLY. Normally, this volcano would have jumped on to your house and erupt god knows what on all of Brooklyn. Therefore, it is in your best interest to subrscribe to Brooklyn Volcano insurance for the very LOW price of 79.99 Euros per month. That's a $1.00 value for the deal of 79.99! Shipping and handling not include. Please call your doctor if you experience medical issues.
UPDATE: Some of our employees have decided to look into the matter ourselves and interrogated the seagulls at Coney Island. They have CONFIRMED the sighting of an incoming volcano and have made the following sketch: