Loving Life

If everyone is moving forward together, then success takes care of itself

Understanding Social Support Benefits: Strangers vs. Friends & Family

Social support shows up in our lives in various ways through our social interactions. This could mean interactions with strangers, friends, family, or even colleagues, but it’s important to understand how the type of support and benefits vary. For social support to be truly beneficial social connection has to occur which consists of three dimensions: Intimate, Relational, and Collective.

Social support shows up in our lives in various ways through our social interactions. This could mean interactions with strangers, friends, family, or even colleagues, but it’s important to understand how the type of support and benefits vary. For social support to be truly beneficial social connection has to occur which consists of three dimensions: Intimate, Relational, and Collective.

Intimate connection (inner circle): Perceived closeness to a nurturing companion who affirms our values as an individual.
Relational connection (middle circle): Perceived presence of friendships or family connections who provide support and mutual aid.
Collective connection (outer circle): Perceived presence of a meaningful connection with a group of people.
When considering the social connections we have with strangers, it doesn’t necessarily mean random people we encounter on the street. Strangers can be defined as people we engage within support groups or therapists. Similar to receiving support from friends and family, the goal of connecting with trained professionals is to support our overall well-being. While the goal is the same, the social interaction with a therapist differs as their role is to be an observer, as a coach on the sidelines, providing objective feedback that is grounded in research-backed methods to uncover behavioral patterns or recurring problems that might be playing out in our relationships with friends and family.

Studies have shown that both strong and weak social ties, whether it be a support group or a close friend, within our social networks contribute to our social connectedness and signal toward living a longer, happy life. When we experience perceived connectedness we’re less at-risk of feeling loneliness, which has been compared to the negative health effects of smoking 15 ci******es a day or being an alcoholic, and risks associated with obesity.

Understanding Social Interactions & Type of Social Support
Our brains process social interactions differently depending on our relationship to the person. Consider the depth of information you share with your best friend versus a colleague or a stranger you just met. Are you willing to share only surface-level information or do you feel comfortable enough to share deep emotions? We unconsciously filter our social interactions through the dimensions of social connectedness to determine just how open we’re willing to be.

Perceived Risk & Vulnerability
Providing or receiving support from a friend or a stranger often carries a cost, but the benefits can be very positive. There are degrees of perceived risk involved in social interactions that determine how vulnerable we’re able to be in social interactions and the consequences of being vulnerable. The most common risks associated are being seen as weak, needy, and shameful.

However, the key to giving and receiving social support is the ability to be vulnerable which enables us to foster deeper bonds with another person. Counter to the perceived risks associated with being vulnerable we must understand that it takes courage to be vulnerable, we have basic needs and desires that need to be met (thank you, Maslow) and the only way to grow is by getting out of our comfort zone.

Perceived Risk & Frequency
Our brains go through social cognitive processes that affect the depth of social connection. With friends and family, there’s more strategic decision-making that occurs to ensure we sustain goodwill for present and future interactions, which is likely to lead to more frequent connections. Studies have suggested that the strategic decision-making processes that occur resemble a similar aspect of our brain related to self-control (i.e., sacrificing for example money or time) that can lead to increased frequency of connection with friends and family.

Connection with strangers tends to be more spontaneous or infrequent occurrences where a person may be less likely to cognitively process future interactions. We perceive these subtle interactions with strangers to be a lower risk that produce short-term benefits. While the perceived risk being low may seem appealing, it also translates to less frequent interactions which might not yield a sustainable, long-term source of social support.

Perceived Risk & Reciprocation
For a strong social connection to be developed, because relationships aren’t one-way, it’s essential that there be equal giving and receiving, i.e. reciprocation. This also triggers our strategic thinking process regarding the potential benefits. Not to be confused with a “tit-for-tat” exchange where supporting someone only with the expectation to receive something in return, reciprocation in this context relates to self-disclosure.

The connectedness we receive from friends and family is usually sustained only by mutual feelings of affection and love. It’s less dependent on who the other person is and focused on how they make us feel. A study found that social support from a close family member can enhance the level of satisfaction with a person’s social role which serves to maintain our overall sense of well-being. Additionally, it was found that friendships are valued more when we give to the other person rather than receive from them.

We process the experience of reciprocation with strangers quite differently. Our capacity for social cognition is still heightened, but rather than in the context of self-disclosure, our brains take an empathetic-altruistic approach. Meaning, we mentalize the other person’s situation by trying to “put ourselves in the other person’s shoes”, so to speak. There are benefits and potential downsides to this type of connection. Support groups are a well-known resource of support that greatly benefit people facing a major illness, stressful life changes, or in the recovery stages from addiction. It’s a great example of the empathetic approach through shared similar experiences. The potential downside to this type of support is that the risks are low and less likely to trigger cognitive processing about the future reciprocation. The implications of this low-risk connection could result in delayed feedback, short-term participation, or negative comparisons/judgment.

Which approach is more beneficial?
Both sources of support from strangers, such as a therapist or support group, and from friends and family serve to benefit our well-being in different, yet complementary ways. Friends and family may lack the tools and knowledge of a licensed professional. While in a therapy session we may uncover behaviors and gain insights into what we need to work on in our day-to-day life to help us deepen relationships with friends and family.

6 Text Messages to Send a Friend That Feel Like a Hug

Have you ever received a message from a friend or loved one that made everything around you melt away the way a really good hug feels? Well, when you find yourself physically distanced or in the midst of social isolation, we’ve compiled a list of text messages you can send which will make them feel loved, no matter how far away they are.

I miss hugs. I miss the way a good hug can stay with me all day. More than that, I miss being able to hug the friends I know are feeling especially lonely and vulnerable right now (which is pretty much everyone).

Hugs relieve pain, depression and stress. Fahad Basheer, MD, writes that hugging releases endorphins, which can block your pain pathways, and also boosts the production of dopamine in your brain. And NPR reports that hugging has a measured ability to decrease the stress hormone cortisol. But today, as we all live under the shadow of COVID-19, the hugging benefit I care about the most is that hugs can protect us from getting sick. Yep! Kind of a big deal right now. Carnegie Mellon researchers found that hugs protect people from increased susceptibility to infection.

And now here we are. Not hugging. COVID-19 has taken away the human touch that relieves pain, helps to manage stress, and can help us fight infection too.

But human touch is not the only way to build human connection. In my work I see examples everyday of people supporting each from a distance, following the death of a loved one. I’ve seen thousands of moments where simple, thoughtful text messages can feel like real, human hugs for people who are grieving.

Based on that experience, here are six suggestions for text messages we can send each other in this hug-minimized world, to help us stay connected while apart.

1. The Gratitude Text
Hi Sara. All this time to think has made me realize how very grateful I am for your friendship. Thank you for always having my back and being ready to listen. I miss you.

2. The Memory Text
Hi Mom. I was just remembering how much we laughed, that time we were trying to assemble the stroller together. I was so pregnant and uncomfortable, and we didn’t know what we were doing, but it was hilarious. That memory will always be special to me.

3. The Thoughtful Gift Text
Hi, Steven. I just left some beer and snacks on your doorstep. I wish I could come and sit on the porch and share a drink with you, but for now just know that I’m thinking about you, and looking forward to our next pub night.

4. The Photo Text
Hi Maria. I found this photo on my phone, from our trip with Carlos last year. You must be missing him right now, but maybe this photo will bring a smile for your face. Just look at how much he loved you. We’ll have smiles like this again, I promise.

5. The Music Text
Hi, Lindsay. You probably don’t know this, but this song always makes me think of you, and brings a smile to my face. Whenever I hear it, I think about our trip to Sonoma, and that late night bike ride home. Listen and enjoy.

6. The Specific Offer of Help Text
Hi Tom. Can I take Rover with me when I go to the park this afternoon? I know you need to stay isolated, but I would love to have your pup with me for some fresh air, and will bring him back happy & tired.

I long for the day that we can all be together again. But in the meantime, reaching out to someone who’s self-isolating, grieving a loved one, or maybe just missing their normal life, can help us stay connected. Our words can feel like hugs, and can be healing while we’re apart.