Safe-Space

Just a lil' something, something to those I hurt, stole from, left with a bad taste in their mouth after saying my name:

I don't know what kind of bad karmatic type of cosmic energy I put out into the world, but it wasn't done to intentionally hurt any one particular person. I wasn't myself in those days.
Because I never even really knew myself, not at all.
My sister was working with me, trying to help me figure all that kinda s**t out when she was taken from me.
After that happened, I turned into someone I had never met before. Someone I never knew I was capable of being.
Then after taking all the wrong paths in my life, because I couldn't cope.
Led me to jails, institutions & rehabs, oh my!
But after serving almost 4-years of incarceration, I've learned a lot of things, deep seeded things about myself.
All I had was time & plenty of it.
I got to know myself inside and out.
Getting up close with the ugly parts of myself I denied ever having or knowing about.
And recognizing the beautiful parts I'd never acknowledged before. WHY??
Because I've never spent that much time alone with myself. Regardless of the hundreds of women I was incarcerated with, I was still very much alone.
I mentally kicked my own ass repeatedly, every single day.
I mean it's something you can't keep from doing.
You know what kick started all of it.
But still . . .
You think about your charges, and the path that led you to your current disposition.
What went so wrong?
What did I not do right?
Where did it all fall apart?
Why did I take myself away from my family?
Why did I choose a drug over my children?
Before prison I didn't have the answers, none that anyone wanted to hear at least.
Why??
Because most of them were mainly excuses!! I can say that now just keeping it real.
I knew before I got out of prison the life I didn't want to live anymore. And that . . .
Only I had control of that.
Who I let in & who I kept out.
I'm not perfect.
I've never claimed to be anything I'm not.
I won't say nothing behind anyone's back that I won't say to their face. (it's incredible the amount of ppl you know rn that claim the same, but are FAKE asf)
To those of you who knew me before I went to prison . . .
I'm Sorry
But the Tina I am today isn't the Tina you knew back then, not anymore.
I can't make you believe me; I can't make you understand what I was going through internally.
What no one else could see!
I can't & don't expect even your forgiveness. (probably don't deserve it no way)
If you only knew how much I used to hate myself.
Not just for things I've said and done that hurt others.
But because I was consumed by a Firey beast inside that just couldn't get enough . . .
I wanted to sleep my life away.
So, I took anything I could that would give me that. (in large amounts)
Even if I was taking from someone else . . .
Then I learned it was an actual symptom of being traumatized.
Seeking pleasure to avoid pain.
I'm sorry if all I've left you with are bad memories, hatred, and trust issues. I mean that with my whole heart. I'm not out here preaching or bible thumping to ppl who are still in their active cycle.
Never would I.
I was those ppl.
I am those ppl.
Just because I'm feeling a lil better, doing a lil better, acting like I got some get-right in me . . .
Doesn't mean I've forgotten where I started and where tf I came from.

They are so positively supportive of me and have my back 100%.