Bitterness is My Name

I feel the darkness calling me back
It's cool hands caressing my distressed mind
Calling me back to be it's vassal
Where the only thing that will be left is fire and the space between the stars in my eyes

I tried to make myself humanistic, hopeful and soft to garner the care and affection of other humans. Seeking connection and love.
Only to be played as a pawn, ignored and even r***d.
It is clear to me now all of this was an abandonment of my divine purpose. A smothering of the only fire that has kept me alive: the wisdom of the flame of misanthropy.
I grasp my hand into the filthy human air and I never receive the comfort I look for.
That is not my place in this world.
It is to be part of the protection of the wild world and an instrument of punishment of all the vile humans who so carelessly destroy the vulnerable and everything around them.

I can't seem to stop killing myself
Liquid poison to have a good time
Always paying for it soon after
Impulsive, quick, emotionless carnal joinings
When my heart craves connection and love
Sedentary daily habits
When my body craves movement and progression
Each little betrayal adds up
No one looks out for me and I don't even look out for myself
Not in any meaningful way
Except survival
I guess that's what this sad slow su***de of my heart is
Survival
The lack of belief anything will come along to fufill what my deepest self desires
There seems to be little left but these self su***des of a thousand cuts

My Parts

The protector
The manager
The inner child

The protector, a fearsome creature who's scream shakes my own bones
To find self I was told to ask them to wait somewhere pleasant while I take a walk alone with all of them blended out of my psyche

The protector was the one who was unsurprisingly most vehement and seemingly violent at my request
Nay, violent she is not. Dedicated, loyal, war torn, scarred and scared she is.
Her entire gaunt body shows the gruesome marks from her lifelong service of protecting me from the horrors of life. A physical representation of my emotional landscape. The incessant crazed look in her faded eye like a vengeful fire from her perceived failings.
Determined to destroy anything she needs to never fail again.
Jet black tangled hair down to her waist from exhuming me multiple times
She's so beautiful even as gruesome as some might find her form or the violence from her voice
When I ask her to trust me that my self can take a walk without her screams to shake the mountains deafen me with harsh words telling me how idiotic and ungrateful I am to ask her to stay.
My inner child, blonde little girl who's been emotionally and physically abandoned her entire life on and off.
Tears welling up in her eyes from sitting on the ground in the plants happily a second before- before I even close my mouth from the sentence.
Afraid of the final abandonment of the self.
I go and scoop her up in my arms cooing to her and wiping her tears telling her I can't ever abandon her because she's me. That protector will hold her while I'm on my walk to hear from the universe where the forest, mountains and lake meet. The protector berating me in hopes her harsh words will actually get through. Forever angry from feeling unheard. Her anger is immensely powerful. I hug all of them together and invite the manager already looking stressed with her arms crossed in the background.
"This is my most precious form. Protecting her is protecting me in the most vital sense." I say to the protector frozen in my embrace.
I gesture with my eyes for her to stop yelling and take my inner child in her arms making sure all her copious amounts of weapons constantly strapped to her are sheathed.
The manager starts spouting off the risks and my responsibilities in a non stop run on sentence if anything were to happen. Her hair tight in a bun, eyes with fatigue bags and consuming things to cope as she speaks. Always, constantly needing to access and control. She knows no other path from our life experience.
"Thank you my parts for everything you've done for me. I know all of you have worked so hard for this self. I know you're really so exhausted. I am on my path to self empowerment. I am no longer a naive, weak and vulnerable person. You just let me walk and I want all of you to rest and look after each other. I hear all of you. I will always listen to your concerns. But you do not need to act for me. Trust in the wisdom and self work I have been pursuing and obtained.
I tell them how much I love them all and how appreciated they all are. Kissing the tops of their heads. My inner child healing from such a simple gesture.
I start on my walk and they all stare after me together fretting.
I look back at them reassure them "Trust in me, just try to enjoy yourselves my dears".
Loving reassurance is the only way to quell the violence within my self and all my traumatized parts.

I finally understand what self empowerment actually means.

Samhain Halloween party

I want to celebrate by finding the most beautiful moonlit forest meadow and have the sensual experience of stuffing my self inflicted stab wounds made with most ornate athame with leaves and forest soil mixing with my spilling blood - so at least before I die I know there was something pure and sacred inside of me.