Odat One Day At A Time

Frustration. What a powerful yet helpless feeling. We get frustrated for many reasons, all for things we can't control, either because we don't have the power or extend to change the situation or because of our perception. Our perception because, based on that, we can see a completely different scenario than what is given. However, when we are frustrated by something we can't control, it comes with the feeling of helplessness. You feel helpless, and a lot of the time, to stop those feelings, you need to let go and accept that it was not mean to be.
I read somewhere that: "When you learn to accept instead of except. You'll have a few disappointments."
Or in this case, fewer frustrations. We need to learn to accept the things we cannot control instead of spending countless hours thinking of how frustrated or upset you've become because of that situation. In the end, nothing has changed, and you're yet even more frustrated than you were at the beginning. It is not worth it! Can't you change it? Accept and move on. It was not right for you, anyway

Notes for my mate

First of all, apologies for not writing yesterday.

So here I am today writing…. I guess today is a bit of a lighter note, today is mostly about dating. It is extremely hilarious the amount of men that are interested and the ending amount of men that actually have some sort of depth or energy that is compatible to my own.

Honestly it amazes me that I talk with so many people and yet it almost always ends before we even meet.
People lack the ability to engage and get to know each other other than classic non-sense.
When asked in depth questions it seems like the very basic responses just do not satisfy my desire for intelligence and for connection to another human being.
It does not have to be man it can be woman, just someone with depth…. I know it may not be a common thing to discuss dating and the things that I do in my personal life, but it is exactly what I am learning today.
There is one that has his life together , he has goals, he is positive, he works hard and thinks of others. He is humble…. He is blessed because of his humility.
There is the old one who makes excuses for why life is not perfect but sits and waits for life to change to the pace expected.
Life is work… It is growth, if your not willing to grow, to be uncomfortable, to be lonely, to be with your thoughts alone and figure out why you think and act the way you do and how this causes a chain reaction with others.
This is how we get the life that we dream of.

By breaking the mold that we have been put in and told “DO IT THIS WAY”
Sometimes it does not work this way and you must try it different.
There are a few others that would love to have dinner and take a walk…… One who asks if being Native American is a deal breaker. To which I respond, I am not against and culture or race… If your a jerk no matter what nationality I will leave you in the rear view mirror.
They all sound promising, they all have minimal patience for conversation.
Will they be able to engage on a personal level, will their goals and their aspirations match mine, will they be better than mine, will they have any?
Who knows but in the end I am here to experience life and find my Husband.
I will interview as many as I must in order to find the one that is meant for me.
The one thing that is 100% certain is;
I take God with me in each situation and conversation.
I ask him to reveal to me what it is that I need to see in each unique situation. I ask him to show me the truth behind the words.
I trust him. I also trust that if God says to me….. “Shanna sit back and do not pursue, for I will bring the one that is meant for you without you even making a move forward. “ I will do what he asks of me

DAY #4 & 5
Good morning!
I wrote this the day after Christmas but was traveling and did not post. So here is December 26th & 27th.

First of all let’s take a moment to thank God for getting me through the weekend with grace and dignity. I walked thru this tough situation in faith and the confidence that he was by my side the entire time.
I have been sick since Christmas Eve and I am thankful for that because my head was so foggy that I was not able to experience anxiety. My energy level was not sufficient to have the anxiety that might have come if I was functioning at full capacity.

The drive was pleasant with the kids and my mom. When we arrived at my brothers it was awkward to come in and just sit there with my feelings, most of the feelings I felt was reflecting on the old behavior that I used to exhibit in my addiction. It amazes me that I do not remember times that I was there , what we ate, what we talked about… I was not present in that moment I was chasing a high that I could never catch up too.

Addiction is not about being satisfied once your high, it is about chasing after the “1st high” the first feeling that you experienced when you took that drink or drug. The feeling of your body on this level that you never experienced because of the situations you went thru as a child, the feeling of having no feelings, no emotions, no worries, a sense that you are in another dimension.

Before I ever took a drink or a drug, I longed to not feel scared, and I longed to not feel the pain that was permanently instilled in my mind, body and most of all my spirit.

We spend every moment seeking that first time when everything went from wrong to right with the substance that we placed inside our body.
But that is the power of addiction, that we spend as much of our lives as we are willing to spend in chasing something that will never be as good as that first time.
It sucks us into a life of chaos seeking to find something that is ever changing and follows with consequences and damage to ourselves and others.
I sought this for 13 years. I dragged myself and anyone that was in my life thru this chaos. Not thinking about it, I was unable to consciously realize what I was doing because when your on substance for so long, your unable to have moments of clarity.

When you do have them, the guilt and the shame overwhelm you to the extent that you want nothing more than to forget about it, so you indulge yourself once again into the break from the reality of the damage your causing. Then you cause more damage.
Each time you go back into addiction things are worse and are never better. But you cannot see this because your detached from the ability to see reality. Your in a dark tunnel chasing the high into the depths of darkness.

So obviously being with family and seeing things with clear lenses, I was present, I was available for conversation , I was able to engage with my family, they were so thankful for my presence and my ability to communicate with them and they enjoyed my company.
This felt amazing. It feels amazing to be present, none of the resentments surfaced while i was there and they are not resurfacing now.

I see this part of my brother that I have never seen, It is like he is this little boy craving attention from others. I realize that he never had the attention that was positive outside of my Grandfather. He never had that validation from my mom, neither did I. We lived with my mom and she was an amazing single mother. She did her best, there were times that she had others that needed her, that came naturally with being a youth pastor, which God called her to do.

I honor my mother and am grateful for her being of service to others that needed her. There were kids that my mom had such a huge impact on. I am thankful for what that was like and having had experienced that as a child I seen the power of God and his ability to work in peoples lives. It instilled a unshakable sense that God was in my life and he was real inside me. This is a gift that most people haven’t experienced.

But that kind of calling comes with a sacrifice, it comes with some things getting neglected. I think my brother and I both felt that the kids in my moms youth group meant more at times than we did.
We were kids and may not have known better.
My brother has a good heart, despite the hurt he has caused, he is a loving man, a good father, and will help people who need it. He is a hustler and has no job security but he is a hard worker. He learned that from my Grandpa who was an amazing example of that. My Grandpa was a workaholic. My brother is my grandpa now. He will never have a retirement funds and he will not have medical insurance or a 401k. He will always have to work to survive and when he can no longer work, he will have to collect disability or SSI. Just like all others in our family.

My life is blessed beyond measure because I have put in the work to further my education and this is my ticket out of poverty. This is my future that is beyond blessed with retirement and medical and education that will take me anywhere I need to go, Including free college for my children.

Altogether, this experience was a huge step towards the growth that I am pursuing in my life. It has taken me putting myself in uncomfortable situations like these to come thru them with different lenses, a new perspective and another set of stitches into my broken heart.