Keeping Animals In Recovery KAIR

Slow drivers 😂😂😂😂

So what causes memory loss with CSA survivors? .'Actually the memory is there but due to dissociation during trauma it gets ‘misplaced’…. The Body Keeps the Score book explains this so well.

When I say misplaced thats kind of a broad word for a complicated result of childhood sexual abuse. For me most of my memories were out of order and all mixed up. None of my flashbacks made sense because there was no consecutive order to them. But I can tell you that each flashback set me into survival mode even though I didn't understand that for many years.

In an effort to 'fill in the blanks' I requested my out of state school records and locally so that I at least have a timeline of cities I lived, teachers I had (cause I could only remember maybe 3 from kindergarten till 8th grade), addresses for the many apartments we lived as well as reports cards.
Even after getting these records I still couldnt recall these teachers names. I'm looking at the names and trying to picture them and can't! The addresses helped though for my timeline of events which was a good thing.

I asked my husband to tell me about his school years before we met without explaining why. He went on and on with so many details about teachers, lunchroom ladies, friends and even classrooms. He described it so vividly. It blew my mind and brought me to tears. Even with the paperwork in front of me I couldnt remember details of school like that. It's like I just existed through the days, weeks , months and years.

As the flashbacks , night terrors and body memories unfolded I started journaling everything! Even if it seemed insignificant. Thats som**hing I had never done before starting my journey but has proven to be such a great tool!! I would have memories pop up during my time journaling as well so sometimes I would have to stop let the memories flow and continue the journal entry.

Through a lot of hard work in counseling sessions , homework and piecing things together, eventually the happy memories trickled in. Now I can remember a few of my elementary school friends and the schools I was in.
Piecing the trauma together is painstaking but finding the good memories was a rewarding bonus.
Children whom are abused over and over will go into survival mode. Dissociation is both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing to the child suffering but a curse for the adult trying to make sense of the blocked memories unfolding without warning.
C-PTSD never has a warning but with hard work the reoccurrence will happen less and less. A survivor can regain the power her or his perpetrator(s) stole from them as a child.
I took my power back by first using my voice. I am no longer a victim!
I AM VICTORIOUS!!! I AM STRONG!!!
I WILL NEVER BE SILENT AGAIN!!!
~Jennifer Michelle

Years ago after only in the early stages of my healing journey I had a deposition to do. I had never had to do one before so I really didnt know what to expect. This was a suit for a wreck because their insurance was trying to avoid paying the damage they had done.
I wasnt nervous for this cause I had nothing to hide and had been nothing but honest from the jump. What I didn’t expect was their attorneys to drag up my CSA into the deposition. Yep, they got dirty.

I knew he was gonna ask me personal questions as others had already warned me. What was a kick in the gut was the following when he asked if I finished high school...”no”
What grade did I get to..... ‘10th”
What age did I leave home....”16”...then....... can you tell me why did you leave home at that age?........
I felt all the blood leave my face and my stomach twisted in knots...
I looked toward my attorney and he nodded to answer..... I looked back at the other attorney and with tears welling up in my eyes with a huge lump in my throat I abswered ...” I was sexually abused....” it took so much at that moment to not break down. I didn’t even know this guy or these other 3 woman in the room with us. My heart was racing and I felt humiliated.....my god they probably think I’m so pathetic! My attorney then asked to move on from this as it has no bearing. Their attorney flipped through multiple pages before proceeding with the next question.
My God , was he gonna grill me on my traumatic childhood and stuff I post here for a wreck?? I was stunned at how many pages he thumbed through.
I managed to pull my boot straps up and knuckle through the rest of the deposition. Yet that kept creeping back in my head.
My attorney said I did great and apologized for their dirty tactics. I felt numb inside. I couldn’t help but to sit in my truck while stuck in traffic and ask myself why the hell after almost 2 years of therapy was I still feeling humiliated?? We address this almost every week that it’s not my fault...not my shame...yet there I was completely exposed and humiliated.
So I decided to text my therapist ( I’m sure he cringes by now when he sees I’ve texted him...AGAIN) I asked him the same Thing.... his response has been rolling through my head all afternoon .....
He says to me:
“FEEL EMPOWERED!!
Most woman who have gone through what you have is a m**h or he**in addict or dead. Don’t feel humiliated. You’re a survivor...”
That was so powerful! My years of anguish and humiliation turned to tears of pride for myself.

I am a survivor! I’m grateful God blessed me with a family that loves me. Im grateful I never caved into self medicating or gave up!
I survived my perpetrators abuse !! This should be honored not shameful.
I think of his words everytime I feel defeat or shame tries to creep in.
FEEL EMPOWERED!!! Don’t feel humiliated. You’re a survivor!!

➡️. On another note.... my message to lawyers who stoop to shaming a child trauma survivor or victim.... you are as dirty as the perpetrators!