Judith McFarland MFT

Let's talk about balanced parenting.

I just read a scary article. The average person in the U.S. spends over 6 hours per day in front of a screen - cell phone, tablet,laptop,computer,TC, etc. - but less then 15 minutes per day in face to face interaction with their child or children WITHOUT the distraction of some kind of screen.

What is that teaching your children?

Now, I might dismiss this as as unsubstantiated, alarmist, etc, if not for my awareness everywhere I go, that this is happening!

If your most important relationship is not working, do you take responsibility for the negative contribution you are making?

Very few people can answer that question with a "yes" and then have a thoughtful explanation. I'm not referring to accepting that you deserve what your have - far from it! I'm describing the ability to look at how you show up in that relationship, and whether improvement/change on your part is needed.

For example: Are you a person who avoids conflict, and therefore may not be honest about what you think, feel or want? Or, at the other extreme, are you unkind, rude, or mean when you do express what you think, feel or want?

Do you only consider what you get and not what you give? Or, do you only think of what you can give, and not work on getting your own needs met?

Looking at your own behavior, and moderation in what you do, are key to a healthy relationship!

The High Cost of Conflict Avoidance

is

Honesty, intimacy, passion, connection.

I'm not suggesting that you seek conflict. Some would say that the benefit of conflict avoidance

is

Peace, calm, safety, no drama

What is the middle ground?

Choosing to voice your wants and needs, opinions, thoughts and feelings in a respectful way. Choosing to be the kind of partner that allows themselves to hear those things without attacking.

The comments most people want to hear, but rarely do; empathic communication.

In couples therapy we talk about communicating empathy a lot. Often, people confuse empathy with sympathy or even agreement.

The definition of empathy is the capacity to recognize emotions that are being experienced by another person.

Usually, when a listener is presented with their partner saying something like "I have a problem with _________", the listener might say "I understand" or "I feel the same way."

An empathic response would be more like "It looks like you are really frustrated" (or angry, or sad, or mad, etc.). The speaker says "YES! Of course I'm mad!" (or sad, etc.)

What next? Practice, and check back. Thanks!