Divorced Over 40+

The interesting part about life after divorce is that no matter how far removed, or how many learning opportunities you come across during the process of coping with the loss or changes, or the related things that come with moving on, like dating, is that it is never static.

We continue to experience different life lessons, different people with different outlooks, desires, and plans. No matter how far we think we may have come, there will always be some sort of detour, or unexpected bump in the road that sends us into an unfamiliar place, or one that is too painfully familiar.

For me, after 12 years, I am still finding things that not only surprise me, but my reactions sometimes do as well.

For the first five years, I was determined to find someone. I did, in fact, fall in love two years after the divorce, but those emotions were not shared. I basically played emotional boyfriend for a few years, until I couldn’t for my own well-being.

I took a break from dating for years, on two different occasions.
My involvement with Divorced Over 40 really helped me get focused on something other than loneliness. Due to the rapid growth across the country, I easily spent 40 hours a week managing almost 50 groups while creating content, working, and taking classes fulltime.

In those days, I really felt like I had found a cure for my anxiety. At the minimum, I had found a very effective coping mechanism. I was no longer holding on tightly to those uncomfortable moments, the stresses of a text conversation, or my perception of another’s perception of me.

Don’t get me wrong, I still felt the anxiety, but somehow it was rolling off me rather than smothering me.
However, one of those lessons I recently came to understand is that no matter how “healed” you feel on your own, until you experience some of those triggers from previous relationships and learn to properly deal with them, they remain “baggage” of sorts.
As a man, it can be difficult to navigate our own feelings, our pride, and how to sort them all out without feelings of inadequacy or weakness.

I have struggled with it a few times, but have also found an escape in vulnerability. Or at least, a lighter load to carry.
I am currently experiencing one of those lessons.
I recently met someone that has challenged me and many of my thoughts and beliefs, but the chemistry is undeniable. However, I’ve been thrust into a couple of my most intense relationship issues. My anxiety and insecurities have been so intense that it has made me question my level of “healed”.

But what it actually has shown me is that until those triggers and traumas are tested and supported properly, they will remain wounds.

I am also learning that when there is a lack of support, it is nothing more than an instinctual protection mechanism telling you to at least apply some logic to the situation.
Mine has been telling me to save my heart, while the dopamine explodes from having my primary love language stimulated…. finally.

So now, I’m conflicted to the point that I’m emotional. I know the right decision logically to save my heart from hurt is to put an end to it now. The difficulty is knowing that my need for affection will be back in starvation mode.

And to be ultimately vulnerable, I really want my person to show up right now so I can cry, no……sob, and be hugged and loved through it by someone I know is in love with me.