Gentle Insight

As mental health professionals and family coaches, this article makes some excellent points regarding divorce.

Whatever happens, kids should never be pulled into parental battles, consciously or subconsciously.

Gentle Insight has worked with many families, helping them manage divorce gently and maturely for the past three decades across the USA. We are here to help you and your children manage the changes and pain gently and carefully.

There may be deep pain between exes, but access to children is never denied by either parent when the crisis of separation or divorce, or post-divorce period is managed well. It is possible no matter what social media posts and Lifetime movies depict.

Schedules can be set up, safe gentle communication and peace can be achieved, at least in front of the children.

One parent may be granted more custody than the other, but the goal is to make time with both parents as peaceful and emotionally beneficial as possible for the children.

When children are forced to show allegiance, are alienated, or are adultified, they are damaged mentally long-term unless long-term therapy is provided to heal from those wounds — and even then, healing may take a while.

Gentle Insight has worked with older teens and young adults who were alienated: who felt forced out of their love and loyalty to one parent to choose a side (usually the parent they were physically with in residence, as courts pondered custody decisions, hopefully in the children’s best interests).

There should be no sides a child feels forced to take. A child’s feelings are real, and preference may naturally emerge, but this should happen only while both parents support time with either parent, never demanding loyalty or alienating the other.

Older teens and young adults have wept in sessions at Gentle Insight over the pressure they felt, once they felt free to share their feelings honestly.
The older children become, the more they slowly become aware of which adults expect allegiance and which simply ask for shared time and love without conditions.

They wanted to please and receive unconditional love, and felt the only way was to align with the parent who seemed to be in charge. The other parent was kept away, and soon the child felt almost “brainwashed,” as one client put it remembering his tween years, despite having once had warm and loving memories of his estranged parent.

Healing and learning to forgive the alienating parent takes time for children when they get old enough to recognize what happened.
No parent wants to be held responsible for alienation once they are aware of the damage and harm it can do to a child of any age.

Here at Gentle Insight, we hope to prevent this trauma whenever possible. Divorce is tough enough for everyone.

Families can heal from these tough times if willing and ready to do the work together.

Alienated children learn that forgiving themselves for taking sides is the first step, since these children were just that — children — unaware of how messy things get amid adult issues. They are not at fault or responsible for adult behavior or decisions.

They were conflicted, confused, and looking for emotional and physical peace and safety. Children do not want to be in the middle of adult conflict, however much it may comfort one parent. They cannot fix or heal adult problems and yet often even independently, will try. They need to hear that these are adult issues for the adults to figure out and none of this is their fault.

Kids wish to please both parents and, in the end, simply want to be kids, without pressure or confusion. They need consistency, boundaries, unconditional love and to feel safe emotionally and physically with both parents divorcing.

They need to see their adults handle a breakup peacefully, with love and forgiveness. Mistakes made while hurting during any trauma are to be expected by any parent — no parent is perfect. There is no judgment here as navigating a big life change can seem overwhelming.

However, then it is time to refocus on ensuring the children are coping well and feeling safe.

Resilient parents who realize they can master this challenge, and gift their children the art of compromise, forgiveness, peace, and resilience, win all around.

Why? Because they create a stable, peaceful environment and climate for co-parenting or parallel parenting until the children are grown.

The app “Family Wizard” is highly recommended, and is often ordered by courts in NJ, NY, PA, and Massachusetts, as well as by mediators and reunification therapists, to ease tensions and keep communication peaceful and free of hostility.
At a reasonable price, the template helps parents and other caregivers stay focused on the children’s best interests, with clear boundaries and schedules, avoiding unnecessary conflict or misunderstanding.

Parents can enter key information for teachers, coaches, pediatricians, nannies, the preferred ER, medical and insurance details, and therapists of all kinds, so everything is available in case of emergency. This removes the need to figure out logistics — where to drive the children next, whose week it is, extra snacks, medications, and more. The app allows simple, effective communication with an ex and helps everyone stay civil, removing emotion from co-parenting amid busy schedules and year-round needs.

Divorce is sadly more common than not in the United States, but there are ways to help children endure and overcome these family changes with the least amount of trauma.

You as the parent need to remember that your own mental health and wellbeing matter just as much as your ability to actively parent. Self-care
Is critical.

🔸 [email protected]
734-330-8203

Self-compassion matters. It is easy to forget to care for one’s own emotions while caring for everyone else.

Children feel good inside, even without saying so, when they see you as a parent, caring for yourself — saying things like,

“ I need to lay down for a bit and rest, short naps are always a good idea,” or “I bought myself flowers today, it’s important to treat myself gently, “

or even

“ You know what Dad did today? I got myself a fun lego set to build and went to a movie because I wanted to treat myself gently .”

Kids need to see a parent treating themselves gently, and yes, EVEN speaking gently kindly about and to an ex (unless abuse or serious trauma was involved). That is one of the most critical ways children heal and feel emotionally and physically safe again:

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When children are not alienated or used as an adult’s comfort zone, ally, or confidant the way a friend, physician, or psychiatrist might be, and when they feel it is okay to love both parents without guilt, everyone wins. Again, everyone wins.

A parent may no longer like their ex, but that person is still who they created or adopted children with, long ago.

This life change in family dynamics can become a positive when children see mature, loving adults who both always valued the children’s needs first.

Venting is best done without the kids around (and carefully, even on the phone), with supportive adult friends and family who understand how hard it can be.

Once children are adults, a parent may share more about the pain felt during the divorce, but it remains a deeply emotional topic for them, and the brain doesn’t finish its most important developmental work until around age 26.

Life is tough, but no parent is ever truly alone, even when it feels that way.

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The latest research shows that when divorce is handled with grace, calm, and maturity — with peace and support for an ex to maintain a relationship with the children as before — children actually develop greater resilience and confidence!
This happens because they are allowed to feel, love, and choose without pressure, and to survive a tough experience.

Surviving a divorce never means you stop being a parent. Never forget that and we are here for you.

And when the next big life-changing event happens, children will handle that next crisis even better, because of the stellar parenting you showed, not just during calm times, but through the rocky ones too.

💛A special message to our parents and families who graduated from sessions with us and our living their best lives:

Bravo to all the parents we have helped because you did the real hard work and your children shine because of this! One day when they are older, they will thank you for showing them that the way through bumpy times can be less bumpy when everyone remembers to treat themselves and each other gently, when adult issues are left with the adults and children still get to savor their childhood and each of their parents.

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Reach out if we can help:
🔸 [email protected]
734-330-8203

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An added note for some of you:

⬇️ Are you physically afraid of leaving or ending your relationship?

Resources for anyone who feels they are being abused or in danger of being hurt if they separate or divorce:

Please always keep you and your children safe first. Although most separations and divorces can be peacefully managed, if that is not the case for you please visit

www.thehotline.org
1-800-799-7233

There is free help for you and your children and they speak Spanish too.
Your safety matters first and in some relationships, leaving can trigger violence and anger so make a plan first and contact supports and the hotline above. We have used them in the past to help domestic violence victims and they are extremely helpful and keep everything confidential.

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